Hello! It is I! Your least favorite wordsmith!
...........Trigger warning for child abuse (Violence at the very least). If any of you had a sowhat rough childhood or had to deal with beatings while growing up, well...I think you should skip this one.
The last trigger warning (The gore one) was sowhat more milder than expected, so maybe this one will end the sa? A man can hope. Either way, this one got in the feels, since it is a shitty backstory for one of the characters that is such a bright and happy girl. Anyway, beware of yapping in the spoiler:
Spoiler
I like to make jokes about trauma and such things in so of my characters here and there, because I like stories with characters that go beyond the trauma, those that clawed their way from a crappy situation and blossod into sothing better, that is why I don't mind these backstories, but this one...Man, such a dark turn into the psyche of a child, delusions and illusions for a better future, the silent fight of soone who tries to see the light at the other side of the tunnel.
A girl who wants to be happy and recover her happy family while not understanding why this is happening to her, but even so. She tries her best!
This chapter peeks at llisandra Singh's daily life. I know so people wanted more of this one, and I did promise that she would feature again. I kind of didn't want it to be like this, but as soon as I started drafting her morning...yeah, you can't ignore the elephant in the room if the problem in her life is a bad environnt. So with that as a prelude...
I give this a seven on the Thundamoo scale of trauma. If you know of this scale (The Thundamoo Scale of Trauma), you know what this ans. If not, go and read so of Thundamoo's works. That one writes trauma like the best. She also writes stories about monsters. Why? Because she likes to write stories about humans.
[collapse]
[Anger], [Resentnt], [Self-Pity], [Self-Hate]....................[Love].
“Mamma! What will we have for breakfast?” She said in the most cheerful tone she was able to make.
[Anger], [Hatred], [Resentnt], [Fear], [Self-Loathing], [Love].
“lissa, what have I told you?” Her mother said with a smile [Hate] on her face, “Good girls don’t just jump demanding things.”
“Sorry Mom…” lissa said downcast [HATRED], [FEAR]. Taking a deep breath lissa ignored the feelings her Mother was emitting, she knew the bad ones always would co easier, she knew that her Mother had good emotions too, she only needed to fish amidst the bad ones. “ Good Morning Mommy.”
So instead she would fight today too. She would brave the sea of emotions.
[Suspiciouness], [Wariness], [Warmth], [Motherly Love], [Self Hate], [Self Pity].
“What will we have today for Breakfast?” lissa said once more, in a more sedated tone. The deluge of emotions was calming down, and the good ones had started to show, even if they had co in hand with so of the ugly ones.
“Better.” Her mother smiled at her, [Love]. “Much better, good girl. As for breakfast, we will be having pancakes.”
[Hapiness]
“Yes!” She felt her emotions start overtaking the bad ones, but soon enough regretted her outburst.
[ANGER], [WARINESS], [HATE], [RAGE], [FEAR]
“LLISANDRA SINGH!” Her mother raised her hand and she cowered as soon enough pain would co, it always ca when she was a bad girl.
“*Hit* What.*Hit* Have.*Hit* I *Hit*. TOLD*Hit*. YOU*Hit*” The monster had ca out feeding on her good emotions.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I will not do it again. I’m sorry!” It hurt her.
[RAGE], [HATE], [RAGE], [ANGER], [RAGE], [FEAR], [RAGE], [Self- Hatred], [RAGE].
This repeated for almost five minutes, at least it seed this day it would be shorter.
“...Go fetch your useless father. I’m sure he is awake after what you did. Think of your mistakes while doing so.” The monster receded, and so part of her Mother showed up. She continued preparing her breakfast. She no longer was hungry, but she would eat. The monster would co back if she didn’t. “And be sure to cover those till they heal. We don’t want people thinking we are the Monsters.”
“...yes.” She said in a low voice while grabbing one of her blazers, it would cover her arms and tummy. It would be hot, but she didn’t want her mother to be hated for sothing The Monster did. “Papa? Breakfast is ready…Mommy wants you to co.”
Her father was in his room, which was previously her playroom. She didn’t have one anymore, not after she had turned into…a bad girl.
“Is it ready?” Her father opened the door, he stank once more. “Did she say what we will have?”
[Self-Hate], [Self-Pity], [Sadness], [Regret], [Fear], [Fondness], [Paternal Love].
At least this monster was easier to deal.
“Yes! We will have pancakes!” lissa smiled as she tried to raise her arms to express her happiness only to wince at the pain as the rough fabric of her blazer hurt her arms. She hadn’t had nice clothes since she beca a monster.
[Pity], [Regret], [Self-Hate],[Self-loathing],[Pity],[Regret].
“Yes, I would love so pancakes too. Let’s go li.” …She wasn’t sure if it was the monster or her father the one talking, but she took the offered hand and walked towards the kitchen. She made sure to not leak any of her feelings out. Taking all the bad ones and trying to use them to cure her hurts.
The last ti she didn’t manage to do it in ti, they almost took her away from ho. The only reason they didn’t take her away was that she sohow managed to channel the bad ones towards people who already hated that bad teacher.
She hadn’t seen the bad teacher since, and after that, they started having Miss Baking. She was a better one; she only needed to focus the feelings the other teachers had towards her into Teacher Baking. That was enough to make sure she didn’t beco…a bad teacher.
[Hatred],[Regret], [Anger], [Heart-breaking pain], [Fury], [Motherly Love].
“There you are.” Her mother said that as she saw her coming back with her father, lissa could almost see her mother behind all the monster's bad feelings. “Your food is already served. Eat it before it gets cold.”
[Regret], [Self-Pity], [Self-hate], [Heart-breaking pain].
“Thank you,” her father said as he smiled at her and pulled the chair back for lissa to sit in. He used to do that for her Mother, too, before lissa turned into a monster and The Bad happened.
Before lissa summoned the monsters into her parents. Before the nights of pain.
“Thank you Mommy.” lissa also followed suit.
[Regret], [Self-hate],[Pity], [Love], [Motherly love].
“You are welco, lissa, dear.” Her mother said with a sad smile, “...I’m sorry about before, but you know better. It is already bad that Miss Baker knows what you are. You need to control it better. We don’t want people…talking.”
“Yes, I’m sorry, Mommy. It will not happen again.” lissa ant it, of course. She hated it, but it was so much fun at the beginning; she could share her good feelings with everyone! But…
It went wrong when she found weird feels from her father, and it turned even worse when she tried to understand them (It made her feel funny) by sharing it with her mother. She didn’t know then of course. But doing so was what made the monsters.
She cried for them to leave her parents alone of course, she begged, she tried to be the goodest girl possible, but nothing helped. The bad feels remained, the hurt remained, the monsters remained.
“Good, continue like that. We would rather have good girls. When you grow up more we can speak again about…that.” The Monster spoke.
[Hope].
It was what she kept in her heart, [Hope], the monsters spoke as if everything would be solved when she grew. Did that an that they would leave? That she would get her Momma and Papa back?
“So tell , did sothing interesting happen at the school tour they gave you?” Her father asked her.
[Curiosity], [Fear],[Regret].
“I et a funny girl!” lissa said happily, rembering the weird girl she had t.
[Wariness], [Fear], [Curiosity], [Happiness].
“What was so funny about her?” Her Mother asked. “Was she in another class?”
“I don’t think so? I never…” lissa stopped and said in a lower voice. “...felt her. But she was weird, she felt… different, like she was… cold? Detached? She was more…logical.”
lissa couldn’t explain it well, that girl. Alexa, had feels too. But they seed different, more…organized, unlike the feels of the monsters that had been inside her parents, Alexa’s feels had been more delimited.
“...You couldn’t….Use your….powers in her?” Her Mother spoke word for word.
[Curiosity], [Hope].
It was the first ti she hadn’t felt a bad one mixed there!
“Nope, I could take the feels but mine or everyone else got sucked in and disappeared as if nothing.” lissa had used that chance to discharge all the bad ones she had been stockpiling. She never had felt better in quite so ti after that.
“Find what classroom she is in and stick to her.” The Monster in her mother said.
[HOPE], [HAPPINESS], [EXCITENT].
It was the monster? Or her Mother? She wasn’t sure, but they were mostly good feels…lissa was confused.
The rest of the breakfast was…fun. It made her rember the good tis, but she still made sure that her own feels didn’t leak too much. That she had them contained, even if she was happy. She cheered, she smiled, she laughed, but always made sure to keep her feels to herself.
She was feeling bloated, her tummy was hurting, and she had taken so of the bad feels from her mother and father too, those that seed that could ruin the happy. But not enough that the monsters would notice. Just enough so that the good feels could drown the bad ones.
It was hard, it made her head hurt. But…it worked. So she was…
[Happy], [Sad], [Happy], [Sad].
Weird, she could sowhat understand the feels of others, but her own? She was sure that hers were different, but her mind could only understand them in those two nas. They all felt different, like one sad was heavier than the other, but the first one felt as if it had thorns on it. It hurt when she tried to move it away.
And yet the Happy weren’t the sa either, one made her feel as if she had butterflies in her belly, while the other made her want to smile. She could pull them away quickly enough, but doing so made the sad fuse among themselves and beco…worse.
So she needed to balance them. But it was hard, each ti the monsters ca around the sad would increase, and the happy would decrease. Each ti the monster in her mother ca around, the thorns beca bigger, and each ti one of the pain nights ca the sad would increase in number and taste.
[Wariness], [Happiness], [Regret], [Pity], [Fear], [Motherly-love].
“lissa? Are you ready? We need to leave for school.” Her Mother ca to her bedroom while she was flopping on the bed from side to side trying to deal with the feels she had stockpiled.
“Yeeeeeessssssssss.” lissa answered as she pulled down the blazer to see if the hurts had disappeared, they…didn’t, not all of them. They would vanish by the ti she arrived at school at this pace…but she would need to keep the blazer on. If her mother saw what the monster did to her, she would get more bad feels. “I’m coming, let grab my backpack!”
[Amusent], [Regret], [Sadness], [Hapiness].
“Okay, I will wait by the door with your lunch. Hurry up.” Her Mother said as lissa heard the footsteps fade away with the feels.
She wanted to take the bad ones, but she was so…bloated at the mont.
“Okay, today’s mission is…search for Alexa, dump the feels on her and see if she still doesn’t change. If not…. bring her ho and pull the bad feels from papa and mama.” lissa said with determination in her eyes.
She would feel bad for Alexa, the girl seed like she could be a good friend, but she needed to think about her Mother and Father. This was for the best.
“I’m ready!” lissa said as she made sure her blazer hid all the remaining bruises.
[Confusion], [Suspicious]...
“lissa, will you take the blazer to school? It will be hot…” her mother said, looking at her weirdly.
Oh no….
[Realisation], [Self-loathing], [Self-Hatred], [Pity], [Motherly Love]...[Regret]
“I wanted to look cool! See! This one has SuperForce on it!” lissa quickly pointed at the logo in front of the blazer, it was Superforce’s emblem. “I want to show off in class!”
[Suspiciouness], [Regret], [Self-hate], [Regret], [Pity],[Regret], [Love],[REGRET]
“...I see, if you…feel that it’s too stuffy, just take it out okay? Everything will be okay even if you don’t use it…” Her Mother said with tears in her eyes, “Now let’s go!”
Her smile hurt.
lissa felt new feels form inside her, she didn’t need to use her Core Powers to know what their na was.
[Sadness], [Sadness], [Sandess], [Sandess], [Hapiness].
It was heavy, each and every one of them was heavy. The last one was the heaviest of them all, she didn’t knew why that one hurt her the most. It had a happy na on it!
Happiness!
Why did that hurt!?!?!?!?!?
“OKAY!” She answered as she covered her eyes with one of her hands and took her Mother’s hand with the other one. She didn’t turn to look at her; she didn’t want the monster to see her tears, and she would only share them with her mother.
When she was sure there wasn’t any monster around anymore.
—-------------------------------------------------
They didn’t speak anymore, and spent more ti than needed in the park that was on the way to the school, it was a nice park, and lissa did feel stuffy with the blazer on. But she didn’t take it off, even when she felt the last hurt in her body leave. This was the proof that her mother was still inside there. That the monster hadn’t won yet.
“Thank you for bringing this far mamma!” lissa said with a smile on her face as they were a block away from the school. “I can go from here, you can go back and rest!”
lissa didn’t want her near the school, every ti her Mother ca near the school she would start having bad feels.
[Love], [Self-Hate], [Regret], [Sadness], [Regret], [RAGE].
“....okay, call if you need anything…And if your teacher ever wants to speak with …” lissa’s Mother started saying.
“I will tell her that you are busy and that I can deliver any letter she needs! If she doesn’t want to write one I am to show her the numbers you saved on my phone!” lissa answered before her Mother spoke.
She knew what would happen if she allowed her Mother to speak.
[Relief],[HATE], [Regret], [HATE], [Self-loathing], [Despair],[HATE].
One of the worst feels showed up, every ti her Mother went towards those directions at least one would show, lissa hadn’t been fast enough.
Pluck.
Her Mother didn’t seem to notice her, the bad feel hadn’t stuck to her fully, “Okay, Love you momma, see you later!” lissa said in a rush as she started running away.
Her tummy hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt.
[DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR], [DESPAIR].
She had taken a feel too big. It had started festering inside her. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, why did it hurt? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
What did she do? she had been good! she did her howork, she cleaned her toys, she washed her teeth, she didn’t watch TV after eight. She was good!
WHY MUST SHE SUFFER?!?!?!?
WHAT DID SHE DO?!?!?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
“So I can’t go if soone said my mommy is hurt?” A voice? Whose voice?
“Alexa, do you have a mommy?” An adult voice spoke to the first one.
“....no?” The first voice answered.
lissa stopped thinking altogether and concentrated in her Core Powers, she could feel the people around her.
[Lazyness], [Sleepy], [Hungry], [Amusent], [Love], [Lust], [Fear], [Tired], [Amusent]...[Fear], [Hapiness], [Sadness], [DESPAIR].
She could locate those feels all around her, but near the adult one?
[Amusent], [Sadness], [Hapiness], [Regret], [Fear].
Only those of the old woman, she was speaking to a… [Blank].
lissa didn’t think when she felt the blank. She plunged the [Despair] she was feeling there, all the bad, she felt dizzy as the thorns on the bad feels ripped throught her Core.
“Alexa? What’s the matter?” She barely heard the old woman speak.
“...I think I found the friend I told you about.” The other voice said with glee in her tone. “This way.”
lissa could only feel cold, and sticky, her face hurt, and she felt as if she had hit her face against the floor. Which was funny since she could also feel the rest of the floor on the rest of her body.
“...ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?” The older woman spoke as lissa felt her body be raised, she could see the worried face of a black-haired pretty woman. “ALEXA?!?!? WHY DIDN’T YOU TOLD YOUR FRIEND WAS HURT?!?!?!”
She was loud.
“...She is not though? Besides the bruise that seems to be fifteen seconds old, her body is in perfect condition.” The other voice was the blonde girl she had seen a few days ago.
Alexa, she seed…different, more…happy. Even if her feels still were…chanical.
[Amusent], [Curiosity], [Hunger].
“Are you okay? Where does it hurt?” The old woman spoke to her, trying not to shake her too much as she was raised in a princess carry.
lissa missed the princess carry, her papa used to do them almost every day.
“...thank you.” lissa said as she felt her consciousness blur away.
User Comments
0 comments from readers