"I’ve told her countless tis that after decluttering, the house feels so comfortable, and you feel great too. It’s useless." The daughter seed to have given up advising her mom.
She told Ning Youguang, "I also tried to go ho for a few days, supervised her in managing that pile of junk at ho, helped her sort out what to throw away, but when I was there, she would pack everything up and say it was to be thrown away. Once I left, she’d stuff it all back into the corners of the house and the bicycle room. I was utterly collapsed."
Mom lowered her head, her back hunched, seeming to confirm that the daughter’s words were true.
Ning Youguang didn’t continue to delve into the items in this mother-daughter ho but instead asked the mother, "How is your relationship with your husband?"
As soon as she asked the question, the mother, head lowered, stiffened.
The daughter’s expression changed as well.
A poorly organized house often reflects unresolved family relationship issues behind it.
The state of a disorganized house can directly mirror unresolved family relationship problems.
Seeing the sudden change in the mother and daughter’s expressions, Ning Youguang knew she could pursue the topic.
"From a psychological perspective, a scattered and disorderly living space, where items are jumbled, is an accumulation of anger within the family. A dull and lifeless living space, with items piled high, is an accumulation of the family’s despair."
After saying this, Ning Youguang looked at the still-head-lowered mother, "May I ask if your husband interacts with you less often?"
The mother didn’t speak, but her thin shoulders began to tremble.
Clearly, her emotions were greatly affected, taking in all the words.
The daughter’s expression changed from anger to irritation.
She said, "My dad and mom mostly don’t talk at ho. They’ve lived separately for many years."
As the daughter’s words fell, a mournful sobbing escaped from the mother’s lips as she leaned back in the chair with eyes closed, muddy tears flowing from her eyes.
Seeing her mother’s sorrowful appearance, the daughter bit her lip tightly, pain showing in her eyes.
Ning Youguang quietly waited for the mother to release her emotions.
After a long while, she finished crying and looked at her daughter with a face full of painful despair, saying, "I can declutter the things at ho, but can I declutter your dad?"
The madness and despair in the mother’s eyes shocked the daughter.
She stamred, "Declutter... my dad? Do you want to divorce my dad? I’ve never heard you argue, haven’t you always been cold to each other?"
[That’s the biggest problem.]
Ning Youguang couldn’t help but sigh beside them.
"That’s because I’m already hopeless!" the mother yelled, hoarse and anguished.
The daughter was startled.
Ning Youguang gently handed a tissue to the mother, "Could you tell about your relationship with your husband?"
The mother wiped the tears off her face, but they seed endless, still flowing.
While crying, she spoke to Ning Youguang, "Ever since I gave birth and beca a full-ti housewife, the child’s father doesn’t manage anything at ho. In the morning, he leaves the books and newspapers he read and the breakfast dishes untouched on the table. In the evening, when he gets off work, I have to prepare and place his als neatly in front of him. Even if he cos ho late and eats alone, he won’t put the dishes in the sink. I have to prepare all his clothes and shoes. Sotis when things go missing, he scolds, and if the food doesn’t suit his taste, he criticizes my cooking, especially in the morning, suddenly gets angry, giving orders like I’m his servant. I’ve told him I hope he’d help out, just sotis put things away after use, but he never changes, saying these are small things and not to bother him. When I nag a bit, he talks back, and nothing changes except for more fights. Eventually, I just gave up on talking to him, let him do as he pleases, as long as he doesn’t scold."
The mother said in words, as long as her husband doesn’t scold, but from the daughter’s depiction of their ho situation, as a wife, she was actually very dissatisfied with her husband.
Whether in past nagging or now endurance, the problems between this couple had not been resolved.
The wife had no other way out, gave up on seeking solutions, but let their relationship turn into anger and despair.
"Does your husband know that his behavior has a significant impact on your relationship?"
"How would he think about these?" The wife said with a bitter smile, "He only knows that he has a lot of pressure at work, only knowing to tell not to bother him, but what about ? Am I not tired at ho every day, not working hard, is there anyone to understand ?"
"How long has this pattern been going on?" Ning Youguang asked again.
"Since Bao started elentary school," the mother said with a face full of sadness and pain, "I initially also felt those things at ho were annoying. What annoyed most was the child’s father’s attitude, but being upset, is it useful?"
After nagging her husband escalated the marital conflict, she turned her dissatisfaction into anger, and her way of dissipating that anger was by buying things.
Buying useless things and piling their packaging materials haphazardly into mounds around the house.
Over the years, she beca hopeless and felt no matter what she said or did, it wouldn’t help.
She didn’t think changing the status quo would do any good, so she beca too lazy to act.
As a result, the household items were left untouched, continuing to pile up.
"Feeling that whatever you do is futile, so you don’t want to move?" Ning Youguang saw through the mother’s thoughts clearly.
"Yes." The mother looked at her now silent daughter and said expressionlessly.
Ning Youguang gently looked at this mother, who had been tortured by life and was lifeless, "The objective of decluttering is not only about ridding oneself of items but also demonstrating an attitude of subtracting from life. This coincides with the yogic philosophy of cutting off desires, distancing from obsessions — [断行,舍行,离行] (Break, Let Go, Depart from)."
She said, "This subtraction mindset can be applied not only to handling old and unnecessary objects but also to social relationships. Therefore, when we honestly face our relationship with things, understand what we need, what we don’t, and make choices, the second step is to resolutely sever links with people who make us unhappy and focus on what’s important in life. Most importantly, is to make the change; decluttering is like a self-examination, eliminating antiquated and outdated perceptions and information, making oneself better, clearer, and live freely." 1314
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