A sob rips out of so hard it actually hurts my chest.
Then another.....Suddenly I’m crying so violently I can barely stay standing. Noah holds tighter imdiately.
"It’s okay," he whispers quickly, one hand pressing against the back of my head. "I’ve got you. I’ve got you."
But I can’t stop....i can’t.
"I thought he died," I choke out between sobs. "Noah, I thought he died in front of ..."
My fingers clutch desperately at his shirt like I’m drowning.
"He was bleeding so much," I cry. "There was so much blood and I couldn’t stop it and Margaret got shot and..."
My voice completely falls apart as Noah just holds tighter, like he’s trying to shield from everything at once.
"You did good," he says softly, firmly. "You hear ? You did everything you could."
I shake my head violently against his chest.
"It’s my fault..."
"No."
"I should’ve stayed upstairs....."
"No, Elaine."
"If sothing happens to them...."
His grip tightens imdiately.
"Listen to ."
His voice breaks through my panic just enough that I finally look up at him, to see his eyes are red too.
"They’re alive," he says carefully, like he needs to hold onto those words too. "They made it here alive. That matters."
A broken sound leaves bcause I know what he’s really saying. That sotis...that’s all you get.
I star crying harder and Noah just stands there in the middle of that cold hospital hallway holding while I completely fall apart in his arms.
"I can’t handle this..."
The words leave in a small broken whisper .My hands are trembling so badly I have to lace them together tightly just to hide it. Even then, they still shake. Noah slowly leads toward the waiting room, one hand steady against my back the entire ti like he’s afraid I might collapse if he lets go and Honestly? he’s probably right.
The waiting room is almost empty when we step into it. Just a few scattered people sitting under harsh fluorescent lights, all wearing the sa exhausted expression. The sa fear, hel helplessness
Noah sits down gently on one of the chairs and the second I sit, the weight of everything crashes into again.
Zane.Margaret and my Grandpa.
Oh God.
A fresh wave of tears burns my eyes imdiately.
"I can’t do this," I whisper, staring blankly at the tiled floor. "I can’t... Noah, Grandpa’s already here too. He’s sick and now Zane and Margaret and..." My voice cracks badly. "How am I supposed to cope with all this at once?"
The words co out ssy..Noah crouches in front of slowly, his expression softening in that older-brother way that makes feel about five years old again.
"You don’t have to cope with all of it at once," he says quietly.
I let out a weak laugh that sounds more like a sob.
"Well my life apparently disagrees."
That almost earns the tiniest smile from him.
Almost but it disappears quickly.
He reaches over and brushes so hair away from my face gently.
"You’ve been strong all night."
"I don’t want to be strong anymore," I whisper imdiately
And God.That’s the truth, im tired, so tired.
Tired of fear, of the blood, of pretending I’m okay every ti the world decides to rip sothing away from .
My chest tightens painfully.
"What if he dies?" I ask suddenly, looking at Noah with tears filling my eyes again." What if I wasted so much ti fighting him and now..."
"Hey." Noah cuts in softly but firmly. "Don’t do that to yourself."
"But what if...."
"He knows you love him."
My throat tightens instantly, beecause the thing is...I’m not completely sure he does.
Sure, I said it. Finally....but what if it was too late?What if he heard too late?What if...fuck!
"I’ll be right back," Noah says gently, standing before my thoughts can drag under completely again. I don’t even ask where he’s going, i just sit there curled into myself, arms wrapped around my stomach tightly.
The hospital feels colder the longer I stay in it, every sound making jump, every doctor walking past makes my heart race. I keep expecting soone to walk up to with that look on their face. That look that says we tried.
I don’t think I could survive hearing it tonight but a few minutes later, Noah cos back holding a paper cup full with coffee.
He hands it to carefully before sitting beside .
"It’s terrible hospital coffee," he says quietly. "But drink it anyway."
I wrap both hands around the cup instantly, soaking in the warmth, I hadn’t even realized how cold I was.
"Thanks," I whisper.
For a while, neither of us speaks as I just stare at the steam rising from the cup while exhaustion settles deeper into my bones.
Then Noah sighs softly beside .
"Elaine... maybe you should go ho for a few hours."
I look at him imdiately.
"No."
"You need a shower, sleep and clean clothes."
"Noah....."
"I’ll stay here," he says gently. "If anything changes, if anything happens, I’ll call you imdiately."
I shake my head before he even finishes.
"I can’t leave."
"You’re exhausted."
"I don’t care."
"You’re barely holding yourself together."
"I said I’m not leaving."
The sharpness in my voice surprises even . But the thought of leaving? Of not being here when Zane wakes up?Or if sothing happens?
No.Absolutely not.
Because if I leave and sothing goes wrong while I’m gone...i will never forgive myself.
"I won’t be able to rest anyway," I say more quietly now, staring down at the coffee in my hands. "I’ll just keep thinking about them. Wondering if they’re okay. Wondering if he woke up asking for ."
My voice breaks again near the end and Noah watches silently for a mont. Then he nods slowly.
"Okay."
He leans back into the chair beside mr and for the first ti since arriving here, I let myself breathe a little.
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