Xavier is my tired little boy—that was what my daddy used to tell , back when my daddy was still with us. He hasn’t been with us for a long ti. He’s been gone even longer than mommy has been gone.
I miss them both. Mōra’sa’s mommies are nice, I guess. They take care of , well enough—that’s how Cordk’buran puts it, anyways. Cordk’buran is nice. So is Renton’buraf and Izurial’buran.
I have a lot of buras. My gushas are nice too. Cheska would make a nice gushan, I think? I don’t really know if she wants to be a gushan for , though? Cordk’buran once told that being a gusha or bura is a big decision, especially with the lives we live.
I… kinda get it, I guess? Izurial’buran says my brain is too big for my body, but the few tis I’ve been allowed to look in a mirror, I didn’t think my head looked too big for my body? Maybe he ant it— Ah… there’s a word? I can’t rember it, but it’s a word that ans sothing other than what is actually said. People speak like that all the ti, though! Mōra’sa’s mommies are always talking weird. Sotis they speak in a different language, but Mōra’sa says they don’t know the language of their people well anymore, so they can’t use it to talk about complicated things. So, instead, when they talk about complicated things, they use big words that they think Mōra’sa and I won’t understand!
If I’m being honest, Mōra’sa isn’t as smart as , though, even though she’s older. I’m not supposed to say that to her, though! It’s not a nice thing to say, even if it’s true. Plus! It isn’t like she’s stupid or anything! I’m just too smart—that’s what almost everyone says, but only ever in whispers.
If Fräthk finds out how smart I am, it will be bad. I don’t see why it matters to hide how smart I am, though? Fräthk will test our genes eventually and figure it out? Unless I’m a mutant!? Maybe, whatever smartness exists inside isn’t sothing that the tests can find!?
Those are so thoughts I had a while ago. I don’t really rember when—it's hard to tell ti down in the darkness. I guess it’s also dark up here, outside of the building, though?
“Will I get to see the sky one day?” I ask into Olivier’s chest. He’s nice, and warm—and when he smiles down at , it reminds a bit of daddy’s smile. Not quite the sa. No one’s smile will ever be exactly like daddy or mommy’s, but there’s sothing in it—a little reminder of daddy.
“Would you like to see the sky?” Olivier asks back. I don’t want him to just be Olivier. Olivier should be Olivier’buran—maybe even Olivier’burat.
That’s an odd thought—a runaway thought. It doesn’t belong, but it feels a little right. Buras are all complicated. Buran like Cordk'buran and Izurial’buran are always trustworthy. They’ll take care of really well! Renton’buraf won’t not take care of , but he’s all weird and nervous around kids, which is weird because I’m pretty sure he wants to have babies with Cravena’gushan? He won’t tell her that, of course! Renton’buraf is big and tough, but he’s also sooooo awkward. It makes him fun to watch.
Olivier treats like a buran should—maybe even better! Maybe that’s why I keep thinking Olivier’burat in my head? He knows how to hold carefully, and when he talks to , he has that right tone and uses the right words… maybe. The words are a little harder, cause Izurial’buran says he’s using a computer in his head to translate everything? So, sotis, his words are weird or all choppy. Cheska and Porsq’ha say Olivier’s accent is weird. They didn’t really explain what an accent is, but I think they an the way his words are coming out? Sotis Cheska will correct the way he says things. He’s really bad with vowels and is always getting those wrong. Once, back in the building, he told her that it was because his own language has far fewer vowels. Cheska then started counting Lüshanian vowel sounds. There were a lot. Then, Olivier said Baalphorian has less than half, so neither his ears nor his tongue know how to make half the sounds that are prominent in Lüshanian.
He then made Cheska try to copy so Baalphorian words he gave her, containing two of the vowel sounds that exist in Baalphorian but not Lüshanian. She was very bad at it—so were the rest of the adults who tried! It was so weird to watch them because they weren’t saying the words right and they didn’t even know they were saying them wrong! It was like their ears really couldn’t hear the difference between sounds that were super different!
I could hear the difference and so could Porsq. I think the teenager—we’re not supposed to call them anything until they decide on a na for themself—could hear the differences as well, but they were just pouting in the corner. That’s okay. Pouting is an important part of life! So is finding happiness is the darkness—that one is a saying from Mōra’sa’s mommies. They’ve only ever said it in their other language, but I figured out what it ans anyways. They’re not teaching to speak the language, but sotis, I can hear them whispering secrets to Mōra’sa. I’m not really supposed to listen, but it’s not my fault they sotis keep awake at night!
Sotis, it’s entirely their fault I can’t sleep! Mōra’sa mommies are nice, but they also don’t really like dealing with . So, sotis, they let have nap ti waaaaaay longer than they should. And sotis! They even let have two naptis! Mōra’sa isn’t left to sleep too long—it sses up her big sleep ti and then one of them will have to stay up with her—and they definitely don’t let her have two naptis. They love her, though. She’s their baby. I’m just the child they ended up with because I have no one else. I think if they manage to find us, they’ll take Mōra’sa away with them, but leave here.
I don’t know what will happen to after that. Izurial’buran would maybe take , I guess? He’s so frail, though. We’re going slow right now, but I can still see the shake of his legs and arms. His chest has been bringing in big, big, big gulps of air for a really long ti. It’s like he lost his breath and can’t find it anymore! I hope he’ll find it eventually—Cordk’buran as well! I think Cordk’buran would take as well, but he can’t. Back in the holding cells, he already told , right after mommy died, that he so totally would have taken , if he could. Cordk’buran is so old that he couldn’t take . He raised Renton’buraf, but he doesn’t have it in him to raise another child.
So, Mōra’sa’s mommies ended up with because there was no one else.
For Mōra’sa’s mommies, I have to be well-behaved. I need to be quiet and not complain when Mōra’sa gets more food than , even though her mommies give her food that’s ant for . She’s bigger, they say, so she needs more. I’m not really sure how true that is. Almost everyone else is always saying that I need more food, so I grow big and strong and don’t end up too short or small for my age. It’s been a long ti since I saw soone actually my age, and those mories are all blurry. I have a pretty good mory, but things from before I was walking are always a big ss of information. I know I was happy, back then, though! I had mommy and daddy! There was food and warmth and so many snuggles that I didn’t want any more snuggles!
Olivier gives good snuggles. I could snuggle with him for a long ti. Maybe, if I’m good, Olivier will take with him when he leaves?
Right now, all of us are slowly making our way from spot to spot in the big, open courtyard we ended up at. There isn’t much to hide behind, but everyone is moving between what spots there are, hoping that if soone who works for Fräthk cos along, they won’t see us.
I don’t think it will work. I think that if one of Fräthk’s people cos along, they’ll definitely see us. At least we’re trying to be all stealthy, though?
There was a sound up above us, so everyone has stopped for a bit—that’s why Olivier is able to tell about the sky! I do want to see it, big and blue and open. He’s telling that sotis it has lots of other colours as well! Those pretty eyes of his shift around the area, and he points out this and that, telling that the sky can be this shade or that. It can be pink and red, purple and black. When I ask him what the difference is between the black rock of the city’s sky—which I really don’t like—and the black sky of nightti above it, Olivier smiles and tells about little dots of light in the sky, and two big balls of light called moons. All of them shine in the darkness—but sotis not all at once—and nowhere in the world above is ever truly dark when one is outside.
There’s another big ball of light, he says, lighting up the dayti.
“I’d like to see those,” I tell him, pushing a little further into him.
Olivier isn’t like Mōra’sa’s mommies, who barely want to touch when I need help in the bathroom. I know I have boy parts, and they don’t, but what if Mōra’sa had been a boy! They would have needed to get used to boy parts then!
Olivier just seems so happy to hold to him, though. He keeps putting little kisses on my forehead—Porsq’ha’s too—and I’m not even sure he’s noticed himself doing it!
Izurial’buran sat down once, all serious and frowny. He looks much better when he smiles—not the fake smile he gives Fräthk or his people, but the real one he gets when he’s happy. It isn’t a smile he has on a lot, but he’s had it on a lot today! The magic of a little glimr of hope—that’s what Porsq’ha called it, his own smiles happy and free too, the little bit of cruelty he sotis has when he smiles nowhere to be found.
Even if we all die, I like that everyone got to have a few big smiles before dying! Well, not Renton’buraf, because he never smiles, and not the lady who got my mommy killed. I don’t know if she ever smiles, but her frown isn’t like Izurial’s either. The lady’s frown is just sad.
When Izurial’buran frowns, it's very serious. It’s the sort of frown you can’t do anything for—you just have to listen. Listening to Izurial’buran when he frowns is hard because it's always so serious. I don’t think he wanted to tell what sort of things Fräthk makes him do, but it was important that I know, so I could try to keep myself safe.
A lot of terrible people work for Fräthk, and Izurial’buran wanted to make sure I knew that adults could be bad. I already knew that, of course! The lady who got mommy killed isn’t a good person, and Mōra’sa’s mommies aren’t terrible, but they aren’t good either. I don’t think any of them are as bad as the people who have hurt Izurial’buran—who might try and hurt as well, especially if I let them try and befriend . Izurial’buran was very clear that bad people might try to be my friend, so I’ll let them do bad things to —that’s what happened to Porsq’ha. It’s not Porsq’ha’s fault for befriending the wrong person or anything! Izurial’buran was very, very clear that we don’t bla people for accidentally putting themself in a position where they can be hurt, but we can still learn from the things they did, then given them big, big hugs because they’ve been hurt and need all the hugs.
I don’t think Olivier will hurt , even though he’s doing so of the things Izurial’buran warned about. He feels nice and safe, and yeah! Izurial’buran warned that so people are really good at faking being a good person, but I don’t think Olivier is faking it.
He’s just nice.
Plus! Everyone else I trust is okay with him holding ! And Izurial’buran has definitely seen him kiss my forehead!
So, no, Olivier is nice and safe and gives good snuggles and might take to see the sky! Maybe, if I’m lucky, he’ll end up becoming my burat as well, although, when I asked him if he had any brothers or sisters, he only said he has a very irresponsible younger brother. Burans and burafs are just n who are close to a child, but burat are related to the child’s mommy or daddy. I know no one can replace my mommy or daddy, but it might be nice to have another set to love like Cordk’buran says I deserve to be?
If Olivier only has an irresponsible younger brother, I guess he won’t beco my Olivier’burat, even if a get this little tingle of sothing in my tummy when I think of him like that.
Maybe he forgot about another sibling? Porsq’ha does that sotis, even thought he has a lot of siblings. It’s been so long since he saw his siblings, is all.
Yeah. Olivier maybe just forgot about another sibling because the situation is hard and he’s tired! If that’s the case, then the feeling in my tummy that Olivier will beco my Olivier’burat might not be wrong!
That would be nice—almost as nice as being able to see the sky.
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