Chapter 486: B-b-breakdown
"With that said" Nira kicked out at the dirt slightly and turned her body slightly to the side, "I suppose I can answer more in full, and not to you as just soone who's Kamiko's friend. Obviously, my desire to not ntion the monitoring, the fear that it could end up like ridithna and the other things I ntioned were all still true.
"There is one angle we haven't really gone over. See, the other thing… is I'm not sure what it would do to Aslena. You watched her flee did you not? It's all hit her at once, all the bad things she's done to Kamiko mostly, have basically slapped her in the face. She's… coping for now. The question is, could she have done this when she was younger?"
Kat opened her mouth to comnt but Nira waved lightly in her direction and kept speaking, "I believe kids are adaptable, and I'm not saying she wouldn't have been able to handle it at all… but I think it would have changed her in a major way. By the ti I decided that it truly was a problem in need of… I hate to use the word fixing when it cos to my children… perhaps nding would be better?
"Anyway, once it was a problem that I admitted to myself was sothing that needed to be changed, she'd already given up a number of things. While she did bully Kamiko, that was one of the few childish things she ever indulged in. Aslena didn't watch cartoons, she didn't have friends or run around outside. She didn't play with toys all that much, it she would always dedicate herself to her craft.
"Now, you might say we should have let her do other things, well, we didn't force her to do anything at all. Leave her in a room with toys and sewing equipnt and she'd go for the sewing equipnt," Nira threw her arms up into the air "heck, leave her with just toys and she'd probably find a way to turn them into sewing equipnt.
"And the bad things she did were rarely directly malicious, or even close to that. Most of them were… inconvenient certainly, and perhaps slightly traumatising at worst, but none of them were TO cause issues for Kamiko if that makes sense. It's like… ah, take your demonic energy. It creates flas like all demons. You could argue that creating ice is an unintended side effect, or if you don't think that, at the very least, the fact it also chills the area around the ice as it lts IS a side effect. It's sort of like that.
"Most of the ti, Aslena needed soone to try an outfit on for her, or be a model for one reason or another. Kamiko didn't enjoy it and we tried to teach Aslena that fact, but she never really seed to let it sink in. She'd given up a lot to pursue clothing design, why wouldn't Kamiko be willing to do the sa to a lesser extent…"
Nira let out a long huff of air, Kat noticing that it was only now she actually drew in breath. "The final thing is… while I do monitor them pretty much constantly, that's all it is, only pretty much. I can't scry them all the ti, I'm not quite so skilled that I can split my mind like that. Sure, I could easily process a few thousand thoughts in a second, but they are all sequential. I never picked up the skill that lets you REALLY multitask.
"The scanning is more like… a background process. It's always running, and there is alerts, but I have to check it regularly to make sure I don't miss things. This ans that… well… even I'm not sure the extent of things Aslena has or hasn't done. Oh, don't get wrong, I probably know about 90% of the things she's done to cause Kamiko pain, but I didn't watch most of them, just know they happened, and it's the other ten percent I worry about you know?
"What if I'm overreacting? What if I'm misinterpreting the diagnosis? I can only guess based on the bodies responses that I get back. Like, when Kamiko is upset, her heartbeat might rise. It also rises when she's happy. Sure, there are a lot of extra details but I'm decent enough to guess almost all the ti. Still, that's a risk and I'm not sure if it's fair of to take it. There have been plenty of tis where I was too busy to double check with a quick scry.
"Maybe I was in a dical procedure that couldn't be stopped, maybe I was locked in combat with a dragon. Whatever it was, it ant I couldn't check," Nira's tears had returned "and you know? I worry that I actually have no idea what's going on in my kids lives. Isn't that crazy? I've monitored them closely for their entire lives. I probably know them better then they know themselves…
"But do I? can I really know them like that? Clearly I didn't know enough about ridithna to stop her from leaving. I'm forever worried that I'll ss up sothing important because I thought I knew sothing I really didn't and that terrifies . I don't have a diagnostics ability for my family relationships Kat. I can see ATOMS when I concentrate Kat. But I still can't see into soone else's mind. You can, but only sowhat. I doubt that little glimpse would be enough for …" Nira finished off with a sigh. Hands clutching onto her gardening clothes, breath coming in slightly ragged.
*Well… um… holly shit ok then. That's… well that's a little more than I was expecting to hear if I'm being honest with myself here and I don't really know how to process that. I vastly underestimated how complicated this is. I honestly feel like kind of a bitch for pressing Nira so hard for an answer.
I an, so people might argue she needs this. Heck, I might argue she needs this. Still… I really didn't want her to… break down like that. Oh sure, she still looks like she's holding up alright and is only a bit frazzled, but a demon at least a few centuries old's 'bit frazzled' is probably a normal humans 'the world is over and everyone's dying tomorrow' levels of panic.
I an… what the hell do you even say to that? I can't even begin to comprehend the position she's in at this point. It's just… it's so far outside of what I'd think a human could understand. I an, I'm not human anymore but… I don't really KNOW what a demon thinks like. I don't know how much my thought process still needs to change.
Just living for as long as Nira has must change a person. Humans, when they get older, start to beco more set in there ways for the most part but… is it the sa for demons? Do they have sothing built into them genetically to help stop that? I an they must right? Humans already have an issue with stagnating at points and demon society would surely be the sa if they had that issue.
Maybe I'm just not seeing it though? Nira is, for many intents and purposes, a scientist and has been for a long ti. Perhaps she's more able to co to grips with new knowledge? It's really hard to know. Are human scientist like that? It's more a gut feeling then a real world knowledge thing… so perhaps I'm wrong?
I can't even compare her to any other demons. I've never seen anyone else even close to her age freak out like this and I don't even really know her age, and… even then, I'm not sure I've really seen a freak out like this before. She… she told because she thinks I can understand and… I was happy to hear that until… until I realised I CANNOT understand. It's not even close. I have no idea.*
"I'm sorry" said Kat
*I don't know what else to say. It's all I can say. I ca on to hard here.*
"It's ok dear. I didn't an to unload all that on you…" said Nira slowly
Kat shook her head and said, "No I'm not saying because of that… or well… I sort of am. It's because… well… as much as you where willing to open up to because I'm soone who understands… I don't think I do? I an… I don't really deserve that kind of faith. You've… you've spent so long thinking about this clearly and… I didn't really an to make it all so painful…"
"It's fine Kat" said Nira smiling as she walked up and brought the younger demon into a hug. Kat stiffened for an instant before relaxing in Nira's grip. "I didn't expect you to understand everything, however, I know you do understand ENOUGH. That's why I shared. As much as I love my husband, he doesn't understand, he CAN'T. He is so weak to his family that this sort of thing would fly over his head. Oh sure he'd listen to , and hear out, and maybe give suggestions… but he can't understand even what you can Kat, so I really do thank you for this"
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