Thats the problem with loneliness, isnt it?
Its always miserable in the beginning. Then days stretch into weeks, into months, into years. You learn little tricks to cope. Stay busy. Distance yourself from anyone that might crack the surface. Dehumanize anyone who gets close, view them as nothing more than resources and avenues for potential gain. When you stop relying on others, youll eventually find that youre forced to rely on yourself.
There is nothing else but you. And you are the master of your own universe.
After a while, you forget what its like. To be social. Denied the common source of dopamine and oxytocin, your brain starts to rewire itself. The tireless work that seed so harrying before is no longer even fractionally enough. You take on more, and more, and more. The emptiness starts to fade. And sure, maybe there are nights when you still ache, and its all too much, and all you want to do is sit across from soone who knows your na and have a cup of coffee, and talk about the weather.
Its not because youre alone, of course.
Youre just overworked.
Youre just tired.
And once the night fades into twilight, you know the mont of weakness will fade as well. Day cos, with all its new developnts and responsibilities, and you wont have ti to be tired anymore.
But it never lasts.
The ending is as inevitable as the beginning. There you are, plodding through life with all your routines, all your checks and balances, all your carefully concocted thodology to maximize efficiency and minimize downti when soonemost often innocently, entirely by accidentbreaks the routine.
It doesnt really matter who they are. Soone on your commute that repeatedly ends up next to you on the bus. The girl at the coffee shop who spends a scant few minutes chatting with you about your day. A coworker who projects their discomfort with solitude onto you, and as a result, wont leave you be.
Doubt forms.
The reason you isolated yourself that long ti ago becos opaque, difficult to pin down. And the doubt slowly tastasizes into denial. Maybe you can open yourself up a bit. Not entirely, as there are many benefits to this lifestyle youve grown accustod to. Just a little. The possibility is as insidious as it is tantalizing.
Maybe you dont have to be tired.
Maybe you dont have to be alone.
You know, I saw you, too.
So, you drop your guard for a chance to see the sun. It warms you, thaws you, softens the carefully cultivated hard edges until you almost resemble sothing human again. Given how long the initial adjustnt takes, its astonishing how quickly those changes are undone.
And when the sun fades, as it always does, the night returns once more, and the ache returns with it. Fully restored.
With no one to bla but yourself.
I watched the tir tick down, as swift as it was interminable. For perhaps the fourth ti, I attempted to struggle to my feet, collapsing again with a grunt as my legs gave out. Sowhere in the back of my head, I knew what this was. I was in shock. Id been running on empty for nearly a week, tapping deep into my physical, emotional, and psychological reserves to just keep going, and I was finally paying for it.
There had always been a part of that thrived on conflict. Enjoyed solving insurmountable problems. Applying eclectic knowledge to highly volatile situations.
I can tell you Rousseau is just Hobbes in a brightened mirror. How to solve a multiple-choice question without even seeing the question itself. How to feed yourself on a budget of less than a hundred dollars for a month. What makes a passable fake ID, and the giveaways that mark a bad one. I can quote the entirety of The Symposium from mory. I can consistently score a 1600 on the SAT, a 174 on the LSAT, and a 520 on the MCAT.
None of that ca naturally. It was a product of single-mindedness, diligence, and willingness to put in the work. Once upon a ti, I prided myself on the ability to have an answer for everything. To survive, no matter the circumstance.
Yet, I was entirely at a loss.
I banged the back of my head against the stone wall, the impacts echoing down the tunnel until my vision blurred. The pain brought focus. There would be ti to process later. Every second I lost was a second I could never get back. I forced myself to focus on the ugly truth.
Jinnys death, Nicks capture, and Saes disappearance were the results of my mistakes.
It didnt matter that I wasnt the only one to make them. I didnt call out the Escalade. I didnt push Nick to abandon the Trial after I found the tracker on his car. I didnt encourage Talia to disclose the truth: that her death would only be temporary.
Mistakes were always a luxury I couldnt afford. That was more true now than ever before. I had to hold myself to a higher standard.
I had to be perfect.
I summoned Audrey first, shielding myself in the discomfort as part of tore free. She popped into existence with an audible snap.
Bleeding Audrey said. She tilted her head at , a single vine rising to poke lightly at my neck. When I reached up to touch the back of my head, I found my hair damp, and my hand ca away wet, bright red layered on top of dark blood that had already dried.
Absent any response and perhaps sensing sothing was wrong, she clambered into my lap and plopped down, placing her head on my thigh. I reached down to stroke her petals, catching my breath from the summoning. When I made contact, I felt what I can only describe as a buzzing, an opportunity that wasnt there before.
Slowly, Audrey collapsed on herself, body folding over and over until all that was left in my lap was a small length of fiber rope with a grappling hook attached.
Can you still see? I asked.
Less. But it is much nicer than the blackness.
In a half walk, half stagger, I made my way to the decorative trial door. A notification popped, informing that the trial had recently been cleared and would be unavailable for so ti.
Sae! I yelled into the door.
No response.
If youre still alive, and you can hear , I have to go.
Anyone can change.
Ill co back when its over. If youre still in there, Ill find you. Just stay alive.
There was a notification for a new quest, but I didnt look at it. I had to start building walls back up. Compartntalize.
I had to wait for a pause between ssages to answer.
It was difficult to decide what to do with my family. My first instinct was to get them to the lobby of the adaptive dungeon with Kinsleys help. If I could get them there, theyd probably be safe for the duration of what was coming. On second thought, that was high-risk even with a door. The suits didnt know Kinsley was there. Otherwise, theres no way theyd have left her at my apartnt.
Think.
My heart rate tripled.
I tried desperately to process what I was reading. A terrible possibility began to dawn.
Dread filled , as I reached the conclusion long before Kinsley sent the ssage.
I was able to get a hand through the barrier. Users arent restricted. Im guessing this is happening everywhere inside the do. The system moved all the NPCs to their ho areas and trapped them inside. Whatever is happening, this seems really bad.>
And restricted Kinsleys access to her door ability, so there wasnt a way to circumvent the restriction. She was right.
This was bad.
I was on my feet, sprinting down the tunnel before I knew what was happening, the aches and pains from the trial growing more pronounced with every step. I fought through the pain, my attention split as I attempted to summon Talia while navigating the store nu to buy back Jinnys User core and the My inventory showed a surplus of fifty-thousand Selve, which surprised , until I realized the source.
The suits hadnt robbed . Rather, theyd left Jinnys share of the trial reward. Like so half-cocked peace offering for leaving stranded and without a group right before the event.
Soft footsteps trailed after as I ran through the tunnel. I didnt have ti to bring Talia up to speed as I shopped, picking up bolts, a massive quantity of health potions, and one final purchase that cost nearly thirty-thousand selve.
They didnt kill you. Talias voice was a low growl, angry and raw, as she ran beside .
No. I said.
They will regret that decision.
I shook my head. Revenge is a distraction. Have to stay big-picture. Survive the transposition event. Protect my family, find Sae, rescue Nick.
It was a mont before Talia answered. That is, perhaps, prudent. And if an opportunity presents itself to rain chaos down on their heads in the process?
We salt the fucking earth, I snarled.
/////
I erged from the entrance stairway to find what had to be nearly a hundred people milling around on the street. No one looked at . They were all looking up, their eyes transfixed on the sky.
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