F-Rank Puppeteer!! But I'll be Queen, and I'm not a narcissist!!!!! Chapter 65: My Traumas and What I Am Becoming

"..." I stare at my blood-soaked hands as my fingers tremble. The strong, tallic sll of blood mixed with other strange, foul odors is repugnant as I take in just how filthy I am.

I spent hours cleaning a wolf corpse, and I can’t forget the disgusting things I saw—the viscera, the guts, and the other organs I was forced to remove while Eve kept ordering to finish.

The strange sensation of the blade cutting through flesh as blood gushed out and soiled , the weird sound of the blade separating the pieces, the initial warmth of the blood now just a negatively unforgettable mory.

As a person from the modern world, whose entire knowledge of violence is linked to gas, being forced to do such a thing was simply too much to bear.

At so point, I was just operating on autopilot. I stopped responding and was too tired from crying, so I just kept going, waiting for Eve to tell to stop.

It was... terrible, disgusting, disturbing, revolting, and any other word that could describe what I felt having to do that. I knew I would have to deal with violence soday.

That was obvious to , but being obvious doesn’t an I was ready, and I never imagined Eve would force to participate in sothing so... grotesque.

Now I face my dress, completely stained with blood and bits of at. I was so scared and afraid of having to do it that I didn’t even notice the blood has completely ruined the beautiful design of the dress I had chosen.

"..." I look at Eve. At so point, she knelt face-down on the ground, apologized, and said she would accept any punishnt, no matter what. But I don’t even rember how long I’ve been standing here, staring at my dirty, stinking body because of the blood.

Honestly, I’m not angry. I don’t have the strength to be angry. And I know Eve did this for my "own good." She understands my desires; she knows I want to stop being weak. But the thod she chose to help overco my fear was so... cruel.

There’s no other word for it. She was undeniably cruel to . Even though she’s loyal, she didn’t hesitate to force into this horrible work of dismantling and cleaning a wolf’s corpse.

It’s like taking soone who can’t swim and just throwing them into the water until they learn, only pulling them out occasionally so they don’t drown, and then imdiately throwing them back in until they learn.

Should I be grateful? I don’t know. I can’t feel gratitude after she did that to . It doesn’t matter that I know it was for my own good; the thod was too cruel and repulsive for to be thankful.

After all, even if soone does sothing for your own good, if that sothing causes you pain, discomfort, fear, and trauma, it clearly no longer matters if it was ant to be good or helpful. All that matters is that it was awful and that the experience will be forever etched in your mory as awful.

"..." I bite my lip hard, so hard it hurts and a trickle of blood runs down. Not that it makes any difference with my face already covered in blood.

If soone from the modern world saw the state I’m in now, they’d be sure I was so kind of serial killer who just massacred a bunch of people. And despite how filthy I am, all of this is because of just one wolf.

A wolf I never wanted to touch but was forced to. Is this abuse? Can I consider that Eve abused the trust I had in her? Even if it was to help , wasn’t there a more acceptable thod?

She could have at least asked for permission, but no. She just forced to do it, ignoring my crying and my pleas to stop. Until the very end, she kept giving orders as if she were the master and not the servant.

And I was so traumatized by everything that I couldn’t even think of using my skill to control her and make her stop... Now I’m here, traumatized, dirty, and with this feeling of emptiness.

And I think the worst part isn’t even that. The worst part is realizing that with every second, this feels more "acceptable." I had already noticed that rging with the original Evelyn fundantally changed my way of thinking and seeing the world.

Crying and trembling in fear while feeling disgust at seeing sothing dead was my reaction, not that of the original Evelyn, who would never care about that. But after the first few hours, that reaction began to lessen.

And now, despite the disgust, the revulsion, and the feeling of betrayal, my mind always returns to one topic: I am "ugly," so I need to beco "pretty" again so my appearance doesn’t "get ruined."

As if all that matters in this world is whether I’m beautiful. When soone goes through a trauma like the one I just experienced, I think the last thing on their mind would be their appearance.

But now... all that cos to mind is whether I look too ugly, and how I can beco pretty again if I am. As if Eve’s huge mistake was nothing. As if gutting the wolf’s body didn’t matter.

And that, along with the trauma, scares . What kind of aberration am I becoming without realizing it? How can I be so cold after doing sothing so barbaric?

I don’t know, and it’s precisely not knowing that frightens . Because it makes question: when I rged with the original Evelyn... did I beco a monster who quickly becos indifferent to horrible acts?

How far will this go? How "evil" will I beco? Will I one day coldly kill people, dismantle their bodies, and use them as materials, treating it as normal?

This reminds of the original Evelyn. She did that. Because all she cared about was whether she was "magnificently beautiful and above everyone else," and her puppets, who were her only friends and the only things she trusted.

I stare at the completely cleaned wolf corpse, the pile of remains and organs I made, the blood-soaked ground, the tallic, coppery sll along with the sight that once made vomit but now seems far too "trivial."

’I... am I going to beco a monster?’ I ask myself, looking at what I’ve done. The blood on my hands that terrified so much before now seems like just so liquid that’s staining my body and is irritating.

Turns out, I never realized how "warped" Evelyn was. Sure, she had reasons to be a terrible person who treated others as re materials—after all, she was treated horribly her whole life—but it turns out this mindset didn’t appear when she gained power.

Evelyn always had this perspective on the world since she was about 10 years old. She’s actually quite simple: "If everyone hates , then I will love only myself." That phrase sums up the original Evelyn well. For her, everything boiled down to what was best for herself.

Since no one cared about her, her feelings, her suffering, or what she wanted, she decided not to care about anything else besides herself and what was hers.

And now I’m experiencing firsthand what it’s really like to think like her. I can say my initial fear was my human part, while what I am now is closer to the Evelyn part—a girl who only cared about herself and no longer understood what empathy for others was.

Evelyn only had wooden dolls as things that understood her. She only learned that she would be the only one who could give herself love and that no one else mattered. And now I’m heading down the sa path.

’What separates from the Evelyn from the ga now?’ What makes , ? What guarantees that I’m still myself? But as always, if I don’t understand, I decide to set it aside because thinking more about it will just give another existential crisis.

"Eve, I want to take a bath." I don’t forgive Eve, but I also don’t give an imdiate punishnt. That’s not what "I" want. What "I" want is just to take a bath and wash off the blood while I fix my appearance.

"...Understood, Evelyn-sama." Eve gets up, holds , and starts carrying towards the waterfall we saw. She’ll probably co back for the at later.

"..." She says nothing, and I say nothing too. She knows she ssed up and knows she hasn’t received my forgiveness, but she also knows I’m not giving the expected reaction.

So she silently just carries . But I don’t like this strange atmosphere; it’s bad for my "skin." And since all I can think about is the beauty I’m currently projecting, I decide to speak.

"You shall wash my body as punishnt." I say only that. My voice cos out with a cutting coldness, not expecting an answer or anything else. It’s just a cold order from a master to a servant.

Normally, I spoke to Eve with the tone of one friend to another, but this was totally different. I don’t think my friendship with her is over; I just can’t treat everything as normal.

Not after what she did. Not after she went against my will and made do that to the wolf’s body. It will probably take several days before I can treat her like a friend again.

And it will take even longer for to regain all the trust I had placed in her.