I watched the broadcast at ho. The sofa. The penthouse. Emma.
She was curled against , her legs tucked beneath her, her feet pressed against my thigh for warmth because Emma’s feet were permanently cold and my body was permanently the solution.
Her laptop was open on her knees, the second episode of The Terrace loading for upload, her headphones around her neck, one ear free so she could hear if I spoke and one ear covered so she could listen to the audio levels of her own voice playing back on the screen.
She was wearing my Cambridge sweatshirt that I thrifted back in Manchester, the one she had stolen from my wardrobe in November and had never returned, the sleeves pushed up to her elbows, her red hair in a loose bun, the reading glasses on.
She looked like a woman who had been working since six in the morning and who would work until midnight and who considered this a normal Tuesday. She looked like Emma.
On the television, Neville was talking about Crystal Palace. His voice filled the living room, the analysis flowing, the numbers appearing on screen, the season being dissected by two n who had never managed a football match in their lives but who understood the sport with the forensic attention of n who had played a thousand.
I put my arm around her. She shifted, her weight settling against , her head finding the hollow between my shoulder and my jaw, the position she had been occupying since the Croydon flat, the position that her body found instinctively, without looking, the way Neves found Kovačić on the pitch.
"Abraham texted ," I said.
"Mm." She didn’t look up from her screen. Her fingers were moving across the trackpad, adjusting sothing in the episode tiline.
"He said: ’Thank you for everything. I’ll be back one day. I promise.’"
She looked up then. The glasses caught the lamplight. Her green eyes were soft. "Do you believe him?"
"I believe he ans it. Whether Chelsea lets him co back is a different question."
"He’ll co back. If you want him, he’ll find a way. Players always find a way back to the managers who believed in them." She paused. "That’s not football wisdom. That’s human wisdom. People return to the places where they were seen."
On the television, Carragher was talking about forty-five matches and the most punishing schedule in English football. Emma closed her laptop. Not a decisive close. A slow close, the kind that said: I’m choosing to be here instead of there. She put the laptop on the coffee table, took off her glasses, and turned to face the screen.
"Turn it up," she said.
I turned it up. Carragher was breaking down the December schedule. Seven matches in twenty-one days. The breaking point. Sakho’s speech. The City match.
"He’s talking about you breaking," Emma said quietly.
"He is."
"On national television."
"On national television."
"How does that feel?"
I thought about it. "Honest. I did break. Everyone who was there knows I broke. The players know. The staff know. You know. Frankie knows. If a pundit on television says it out loud, it doesn’t change the fact. It just makes the fact public."
"And you’re okay with that?"
"I’m okay with the truth. I’m not okay with the performance of vulnerability. There’s a difference. Carragher is stating a fact. He’s not exploiting it. The mont he starts exploiting it, I stop being okay with it."
She looked at . The expression she wore when she was about to say sothing that she had been thinking for a while and had been waiting for the right mont to say.
"You know what I love about you?"
"My tactical awareness."
"Your tactical awareness is adequate. What I love about you is that you broke and you didn’t pretend you didn’t. Most n in your position, twenty-eight, youngest manager in the league, the whole country watching, would have hidden it. Would have perford strength. Would have white-knuckled through December and smiled at the press conferences and pretended everything was fine. You didn’t. You snapped at Neves in front of the squad. You forgot your mum’s birthday. You cried on the bench after beating City. And then you fixed it. You apologised. You changed. You let Sakho carry you."
She put her hand on my jaw and turned my face towards her. "That’s not weakness, Danny. That’s the bravest thing I’ve ever watched anyone do."
I didn’t say anything. Sotis Emma said things that didn’t require a response, that existed as their own complete truth, that landed in your chest and stayed there like a stone thrown into still water.
On the television, Neville was saying "ninety-five points" and "most complete football project in England."
"They’re talking about you like you’re a phenonon," Emma said.
"I’m not a phenonon. I’m a manager with a good squad and a great staff and a tactical system that works."
"And a rcedes van for a teaching assistant from Peckham."
"Parish is buying the van. I just made the suggestion."
"You convinced the chairman of a football club to put a bus in a museum and buy a fan a twenty-one-seater rcedes in the sa phone call. That’s not a suggestion. That’s witchcraft."
"It’s leadership."
"It’s witchcraft disguised as leadership. Which is the most dangerous kind."
She kissed . Not the quick kiss of a woman multitasking.
The slow kiss of a woman who had closed her laptop and taken off her glasses and turned to face the man beside her because the man beside her was more important than the podcast and the upload and the audio levels.
Her hand was still on my jaw. Her lips were warm. The sweatshirt she had stolen from slled like her perfu and my detergent and the combination was the sll of ho.
"What’s next?" she said, pulling back, her face close, her eyes on mine.
"Liverpool away. February fifth. Then the following week it’s Everton at ho. Then Milan."
"Milan." She said it the way everyone said it. With weight.
"Milan."
"And before that?"
"Before that, four days off. The first proper break since Christmas. Rebecca’s orders. The players scatter. The bodies rest. The minds reset."
"And you?"
"And what?"
"What does Danny Walsh do with four days off?"
"I was thinking I’d spend them with my girlfriend. If she’s free."
"She might be free. She has a podcast to edit and a column to write and an interview to prepare for episode three, which, I want to remind you, you have agreed to and cannot escape from."
"I rember."
"But she could probably clear so ti. If the incentive was right."
"What incentive would be right?"
She pretended to think about it. The performance of deliberation. The chin-tap. The narrowed eyes. The expression of a woman who had already decided and was enjoying making the man wait.
"Breakfast in bed. Both mornings. You cook. And not the toast-and-coffee version. The full version. Eggs. Bacon. The mushrooms I like from the Turkish shop on Lordship Lane."
"Done."
"And a drive. Sowhere outside London. The countryside. The DB11 on an empty road. No phones. No football. No Netflix caras."
"Done."
"And you tell about Moss Side. Not the version you tell Elena. Not the version you tell the press. The version you’ve never told anyone. The real one."
I looked at her. The lamplight. The sweatshirt. The green eyes that had been looking at since a pub in Moss Side on a rainy night in 2015 and had never once looked away.
"Done," I said.
She kissed again. Longer this ti. The television was still on. Neville was still talking. The transfer window was closing. And in the penthouse in Dulwich, the boy from Moss Side and the girl from Altrincham were making plans for four days off that would involve breakfast and driving and the truth, and the plans were more important than anything happening on the screen.
The transfer window closed at midnight. Crystal Palace’s January business: one loan in (Kovačić), one recall out (Abraham), zero transfer-market signings. The quietest deadline day in the Premier League. While other clubs spent millions on panic buys, Palace sat still.
The squad was twenty-eight players. Abraham was gone. Blake was ready. The bus was going to the museum. The van was being branded. Milan was in fifteen days. The cup final was on the calendar. Liverpool away on February fifth. The league was tightening.
And sowhere in Cobham, a nineteen-year-old who had scored eight goals for Crystal Palace was unpacking his boots at the club that had raised him, carrying with him six months of Danny Walsh’s coaching and the knowledge that there was a place in South London where the door was always open.
[Transfer Deadline Day: January 31st, 2018.]
[Abraham recalled by Chelsea. 8 goals in 6 months. "Thank you for believing in before they did."]
[No replacent signed. Blake (18, pro contract, FA Youth Cup Nationals winner) gets increased playing ti. Danny: "The system doesn’t depend on one position. It depends on the identity."]
[Squad: 28 players. Strikers: Benteke, Pato, Blake.]
[Lorraine’s bus: old bus donated to Crystal Palace museum. New rcedes-Benz Sprinter 519, 21 seats, Palace livery, club-sponsored. Parish: "If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it properly."]
[Sky Sports: Neville and Carragher season breakdown. 45 matches played (most in England). Slow start → system finds rhythm → 22 unbeaten. 2.52 pts/match = 95-point pace. "The most complete football project in England."]
[Gap to City: 5 points. 13 PL matches remaining.]
[Next match: Liverpool (A), February 5th.]
[AC Milan: February 15th (H), February 22nd (A).]
[Carabao Cup final: Wembley. Date TBC.]
[Four days off. Breakfast in bed. The DB11 on an empty road. The truth about Moss Side.]
[The window is closed. The door is open.]
***
Thank you to Sir nayelus for Massage Chair.
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