"I..." she started.
But the next words would not pass her lips.
I think about soone else. I cannot stop thinking about him.
Henry.
Even now, after everything, his na rose inside her. She did not know if she loved him. She did not know if what she felt for Henry was love, gratitude, longing, or the mory of the first man who had deed her worth saving.
But she thought about him.
"Diana," he said. "I am giving you stability. I am asking you to choose a life where no one can drag you backward. You are no longer the girl from Beaumont’s. No one knows you here. After a while, people will not even rember there was ever anything to know. For once, I would like my title to be useful for sothing other than making won swoon."
"Embrace the new you. Diana Bellamy and make the luckiest fool in England."
"Can I..." She drew in a breath. "Can I think about this?"
"Of course. But I’m not hiding, Diana," he added. "Do not ask that of . I have always been terrible at it."
Her stomach twisted. "How about just for one more night? Please, just tonight."
He wanted to say no. He didn’t want to treat what just happened between them like sothing to be ashad of. He closed his eyes briefly. Richard could feel it in his bones that she was going to reject him.
*****
Lady Bella was waiting patiently with the news. By the ti Livia finally arrived, Bella was seated with perfect grace, one hand resting near her teacup.
The children had already done their worst. Anne had inford Livia that the king had visited. Margaret had added that he was very fluent in French.
So by the ti Livia entered the drawing room, she was ready and prid for gossip.
"The king was here?" she asked excitedly.
Bella closed her eyes briefly. "Those children... they cannot keep anything to themselves."
"You think?" Livia laughed. "Anne is over the moon."
Bella rolled her eyes. "I think she has so secret crush on the king."
"She is a child."
"She is also female. We begin foolishness early."
Livia laughed and took the seat beside her. The tea table was already prepared with biscuits, fruit preserves, and little cakes dusted with sugar. "He must be good-looking then."
"Oh, you have no idea."
"That good?"
Bella’s cheeks ward slightly. "He is..." Bella paused, searching for the right words, then gave up and smiled. "He is quite handso."
"As good looking as the duke?"
"No offence, but the duke doesn’t co anywhere close," Bella said.
"You love him," Livia blurted out.
Bella’s eyes widened slightly. "I..." She looked away, suddenly shy. "I guess. I don’t know." She touched the edge of her teacup. "He is a good man. He is decent. Kind."
"The king?" Livia raised her brows.
"It is hard to believe, I know. And I hear the rumours too. That he had blood spilled to sit on the throne."
Livia said nothing. Bella’s gaze lowered to her hands.
"But he is nothing like what people describe him to be. He is sweet." she added quickly. "Gentle. He never says anything unkind unless it is deserved." Bella continued. "He treats his servants like actual human beings, you know."
Livia tilted her head. "Is that all it takes to love soone?"
"Love ans different things to different people. My brother and his wife have a suffocating kind of love. You know, the sort you see and want to gag. They look at each other all the ti as if one of them has just returned from war. Every day. It is exhausting."
"That sounds sweet."
"It is nauseating."
Livia smiled.
"My parents," Bella continued, "have the companionship kind of love. They can sit in the sa room for hours and say nothing, yet sohow it feels like a conversation. And with the king... I don’t know. I care about him. I care if he is happy. I care if he needs ."
"I wonder how one knows, really," Livia said thoughtfully. "Does one kind of love trump the other?"
Bella tilted her head, watching her over the rim of her teacup. "Are you courting soone, Lady Diana Bellamy?" Bella asked with a wink.
Livia choked on her tea. "No, no..."
Bella’s smile widened.
"I was rely wondering."
In truth, Livia did not know what her heart was doing. Henry lived in one corner of it. Richard lived in another. And sowhere between them was herself, newly ford, newly nad, trying to understand whether love was supposed to feel like gratitude, longing, safety, hunger, or freedom.
Perhaps Bella was right. Perhaps love ant different things to different people. Perhaps it even ant different things inside the sa heart.
"Anyways," Bella said, brightening, "I have news. I will be learning French too!"
"Oh! I’m so glad for you. Do you have a tutor you are considering?"
Bella’s smile turned wicked. "Yes."
Livia waited.
Bella pointed lightly at her. "You."
"My lady..." Livia blinked. "I... I am honoured, truly, but will you be staying here for long then?"
"No. I’m leaving for the palace in a few days."
Livia’s stomach dropped. Whitehall was no place for a woman like her. Not even under a false na. Especially not under a false na. "I can’t possibly co all the way from Kingsre to London," Livia said quickly. "It takes about three hours’ journey."
"I thought about that," Bella said, entirely too pleased with herself. "And don’t worry about a thing. The Crown will be paying you handsoly."
Livia shook her head. "But the travel—"
"I will send my carriage to pick you up the day before. You will stay in the palace overnight, safely lodged. After lessons the next day, you may leave with my carriage, of course."
Bella continued. "Just once a week. I’m sure in a couple of weeks I should be able to speak so French, no?"
"French is a very petty language."
Bella laughed, but her eyes softened. "Think about it, Diana. You helped breathe again. I would like you to be the one to teach ."
Wages. Independence. A chance to earn more. A chance to build the life she kept saying she wanted.
"I... well, surely I would like the additional work, but..." Livia stuttered.
Bella leaned forward, her eyes suddenly pleading. "Please, don’t say no. Please..."
"Okay!" Livia said quickly.
Bella gasped. "Yes!" She jumped from her seat and threw her arms around Diana.
The embrace knocked the breath out of Livia for a mont.
"Oh!" Livia laughed, startled.
Bella pulled back at once, cheeks flushing. "Oh, I’m sorry."
"It’s quite alright."
Bella sat again, smoothing her skirts. "I suppose when I return to the palace, it will be back to the usual perfect deanour."
"You are not allowed to be excited in the palace?" Livia raised a brow.
"You do not know about the king’s mother, do you?"
"Not much."
Bella stirred her tea slowly. "The Queen Mother is..." She searched for the right word, then gave up on elegance. "Terrifying. I hope you do not cross paths with her. She can shrink a rock."
Livia laughed. "I have t people like that. You just have to stay out of their way."
Bella gave her a look over the rim of her teacup. "Then she puts you in her way. It is just the way she has always been. If she dislikes you, she makes breathing feel like an offence. If she favours you, everyone else begins to wonder what you sacrificed to earn it."
Livia leaned back slowly. "That must be a sad life."
"I don’t know. She seems happy when everyone does what she says, so... I suppose there’s that."
"You just do whatever she says, even when you do not want to?"
"She is the queen mother."
"That does not an she owns your will." Livia looked down at her cup. "I know what it is to have soone arrange the boundaries of your life and then tell you it is for your own good. I know what it is to obey because refusing feels impossible." She looked back up. "I do not envy your life, Lady Bella."
"A lot of won do."
"Then you have one less woman to worry about."
Bella laughed, then reached for the teapot and served them both. "I think the duke will be quite glad you will be working in the palace."
"Yes... the duke..." Livia sighed.
Bella leaned forward, eyes bright with curiosity. "You don’t think so?"
"No, of course. I’m sure he will be glad," Livia said, but the words ca out absentmindedly.
"I will send you a ssage on the day I leave so you will be prepared, okay?"
"Of course," Livia said, offering a small smile.
Bella smiled back, satisfied. "Good. And do not worry. I will make sure you are treated well."
Livia nodded. She appreciated the promise.
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