Day in the story: 31st December (Wednesday), around 6 a.m.
“Wasn’t sure you’d pick up.”
“What do you want, man?” I asked, dropping onto my bed and sending my suit away mid fall.
“Not exactly the answer I expected from you.”
“You actually need sothing, or are you calling just to tell I suck again?”
“You think I overreacted? I learned that you’re a psycho with another kind of body count than the kind that normally drives n away.”
I hung up on him, leaving him alone with those thoughts. I’d had enough of his attitude for a lifeti and didn’t need the reminder.
I knew that we did need to talk. Just not like this.
He called again.
“I apologize. This was not why I called,” he said, and I gave him another chance.
“You are a fucking piece of work, Jason.”
“What are—”
“You played like a fiddle. I can understand perfectly now why they wanted you.”
“You still think I planned this? That this is so grand conspiracy?”
“How could I not? I should have suspected you the mont I felt Authority within you, but I let it go, happy that I finally managed to get you out.” He must have thought I was a sucker, but I’d never let him cheat like that anymore.
“Alexa, I am not the Shattered. I’ve been telling you that since I ca back. I don’t even rember them!”
“You an since you overtook Malik’s Domain and changed it into whatever that new thing is? Tell your god he won that one. Tell him he blindsided . But I won’t get beaten that easily anymore.”
“You are fucking spiraling. I am telling you I am not connected to anyone, besides that soul core—”
“It’s—”
“Malik’s, I know!” he shouted. “Please, for fuck’s sake, just let talk and listen to .”
“Go ahead,” I said through my teeth. I was bitter, yeah, but I could leave a window open. Just enough to hear what might co through.
“I didn’t know that would happen when I touched the crystal. It… he accepted . Put through a test, judged if I was worthy. I got to et him and speak with the other him inside the soul core. He guided , and I carried on what he was doing before. The Domain just reacted to what was already in , and I didn’t even realize it.”
“Why do you care what I think about it?” I shot back. “You think I’m a murderous bitch.”
“Yes, I do. And I still love you. So who’s the broken one here?”
That hit harder than I wanted it to. Was that my cue again? Was I supposed to try and save him one more ti? Would the other have done exactly that?
“Save the love crap for soone who cares,” I said instead. “Did you call to feed this pile of bullshit? Consider fed. Delicious, man. Entertaining too. Best date ever.” The words didn’t match the feelings rising in my chest, but I said them anyway. There’s a place for rcy, for heroics, for helping people. And there’s a place for caution and self preservation. What I learned growing up wasn’t suddenly wrong just because it ca from a rotten world.
“Fuck. You irritate so much, you stubborn cunt!” he shouted.
We both went quiet after that, counting breaths, letting seconds bleed away.
“I called,” he said finally, “to ask you to give a chance to be close to you. The real you.”
“Jason… I was always real with you. What I wasn’t was honest. And that, I will be now. I don’t trust you.”
I stared at the ceiling, wishing it were open sky. I wanted to fall into that vastness, to be free of obligations, of pretending… and of feelings.
“You never did. That’s what got into this ss,” he whispered. That was a good choice on his part. If he’d shouted it, this would have been the last conversation we ever had.
“Your feelings got you into this ss. I understand that now. So alien god dragged you into that shit. But it wasn’t ,” I said calmly. “And yes, I didn’t trust you enough to share my secrets, and guess what? I was right, as proven by your reaction. If you weren’t entangled in this ss, as you call it, I’d be a fugitive by now.”
“I—”
“Suddenly at a loss for words? Good. I don’t trust you on a different level now. At worst, you’re an enemy. At best, an unknown. Either way, you’re dangerous.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I am not. How can I prove it to you if you don’t let ?”
“Don’t let you what? Talk? Isn’t that what we’re doing right now?”
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“et with .”
“What difference would that make, Jason? You’re the one who feels the need to prove sothing to . I don’t need proof. I saved you the best way I could. I ran headfirst into danger, got tangled up in even bigger threats because of you, and now that you’re out, my obligations to you are over.”
“It seed to you felt differently back in your bedroom,” he said quietly, “when you lay with and told your story.”
“I might have, but the mont is gone now. I can read between the lines of bla and fear.” I began to wonder why I even picked up the phone, as we both paused on our ends.
“Where did I go wrong?” he broke the silence.
“Maybe when you pretended to be soone you are not.”
“Do you realize how wrong that sounds coming from you? I think you are bitter that I didn’t accept you as a hero, that I am repulsed by what you’ve done in your life. Is that wrong for to feel that way? I’ve been raised and taught that killing is wrong!”
“And I’ve been raised in the belief that it might be necessary.”
Another pause, and a silence that felt heavy, like his breaths on the other end.
“We’ve had this conversation already, Jason. Do you honestly think that I could have saved you? That I could have brought you from the other side by just asking politely? That I could have avoided killing obstacles in my way?”
“Obstacles? That’s dehumanizing.”
“What I killed weren’t just humans, Jason, so yes—obstacles is an okay word for it. And for your information, and as a reminder—because I did tell you that—I tried talking with Joan, with the Shattered, asked them to release you. It. Didn’t. Work.” I stressed each word.
“So you shut off because I believe there is always a better way?”
“You know what? I will tell you sothing about myself, because I might not have stressed that part enough in our last conversation about my life and my history. The thing that you hate so much about ? That’s the that I was—and was supposed to still be. That would have let you turn into a fucking piece of glass as soon as you were gone. She… I would not have batted an eye or cared enough to even ask sobody if you could be saved. You’d be just another person that was and isn’t anymore.
My Domain had changed , though. There is a person inside it—my evil twin—that knows how to love and care, that led a more serene life, and it twisted her, and it twists into believing that it indeed is better to open myself, to learn to trust and to love. And you know what? Most of the ti I fucking believe her.
But then there is you, for whom I did everything I could and more, and in return you thrust a dagger into —and when it didn’t finish the job, you pushed it a little bit more. And you keep pushing it, with every word that cos out of your mouth. So tell , please, what is that better way you speak of for ?”
“Alexa, I knew you before magic ca into your life. You never were cruel.”
“You knew the part of that was focused on the art. And the social life. I didn’t need to be cruel in that.”
“So it was just a lie?”
“Oh, how you frustrate ! Why do you insist so much on people being just one thing? I can be more than just a killer, or an artist, or a friend! I can be all of that and more, and all of those things can be true!”
I heard a knock on my door, and it was pushed open slowly and slightly, breaking my guilt and forcing to sit up and cover myself with a blanket. Peter and Sophie ca in together. I made a face that I hoped would convey that I was sorry for waking them up like that.
“I… I am sorry, you know? It’s difficult for to put all of those things into one box. I never considered a person such as you—a murderer—to be capable of being more than that.”
“You are closed-minded. Everyone needs sothing,—” I said as Sophie knelt by my bed and caught my free hand, cradling it in hers, and Peter sat by my desk, watching intensely and with care. “—Or soone to love. I am no different.”
“And I am not either. I too was entangled with another people cast into a crystal.” He paused for a second, recollecting his thoughts. “Maybe he will change for the better too?” That felt like a face slap. It woke up from a temporary dive into anger and loathing.
“I’d pray to soone, if I knew that the gods would care enough to listen, Jason. Not for thought, I’d pray for you, because if what you did hurt the shadow part of him that was in that soul core—the part that was supposed to fade into nothing peacefully—I’d hunt you down and put you down like a stray dog.”
That made my friends lower their eyes. I suddenly felt a jolt of pain for disappointing them. Did I disappoint them?
“Why are you so forgiving and so loving for him, and not for ? Is it because he is already gone and you don’t have to deal with him anymore? Is that why you were so focused on when I was gone?”
“I—”
“I understand it’s more difficult to have a relationship with soone, Alexa. All of mine were broken. With my parents, with my flings, with you. And I did bla you for the last one, but I am to be blad as well. I am the common denominator in all of them, and I am the only one I have full power over to change. Please let get close to you and my friends. Observe if you need to. Kill if I prove to be a monster, as you are saying—but don’t shut off without givin’ a chance.”
I felt like this was the mont where I could decide how his life would continue—if he’d start to heal or break until only pieces remained. But I was also scared of making another mistake that would endanger or my friends.
“Hold on,” I said back to him. “I will put you on an actual hold, and if you wish to have a chance at all, you’d better be there when I co back, or I won’t pick up ever again. Is that clear?”
“Yes,” he answered. I muted him and turned to Peter.
“Pete, he wants to co with us. Wants a chance to prove that he is not an agent of the enemy.”
“I… know.”
“You know?” I asked, but imdiately caught up. “You didn’t cast him off, like I asked you.”
“Of course not. He is my friend. We’ve been talking and eting ever since he erged from the Domain. I am helping him understand what’s what.”
“I can’t believe it. I told you that he is dangerous.”
“Yes, sis. And I know you really believe that—and I do too. But I know just as well as you do that people can be more than just one thing, right? You are dangerous too, and I stuck around, didn’t I?”
My eyes grew wider after hearing that, and my breath ca shallower. I didn’t realize I was squeezing my hand until Sophie hissed in pain.
“I am sorry, Soph,” I said, trying to comfort her as she held her hand with her other one.
“It’s okay. I get it,” she said, with tears in her eyes.
Peter stood up, went to her, and caught her hand with his own. Swirling shadowlight moved from within him as he guided the blood within Soph to nd what I had just broken.
“I will give him a chance then. If that’s okay with both of you,” I replied, as my feelings settled within .
“You know he pisses off,” Sophie started, while Peter just nodded, answering my question. “But I think that after all you’ve done for him, you can try to do this one last thing too.”
“I’d be potentially putting you and all of the others in danger too.”
“Would it be more than what we faced when Joan was playing him?”
“No, probably not. I am sorry about that…”
“Call him. As much as I hate to admit it, he makes shared activities all the more fun.”
I looked at her for a while. Maybe a second too long. Maybe not. I picked up the phone and resud the conversation.
“You there?”
“Yes.”
“et us at Grand Central at eleven. Be prepared for a two-day trip.”
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