Knights Apocalyptica Chapter 266: Shame

Sha. Sha is felt when one is inferior, or is conscious of being, or of being liable to be, unfavorably regarded. Modesty is the reserve which keeps one from coming into judgnt. One of the greatest reasons for covering the body is the conviction that it would not be admired if seen. One of us is ashad if he is in excellent morning dress when the others wear evening dress, or ungloved when all the rest are gloved. A woman is ashad to be without a crinoline or a bustle when all the rest wear them. A man, when n wore wigs, could not appear before a lady without his wig. An elderly lady says that when the present queen of England brought in, at her marriage, the fashion of brushing up the hair so as to uncover the ears, which had long been covered, it seed indecent….

- William Graham Sumner, Folkways (1906, 2nd Era)

Garin had spent the morning going over his Armor. He’d run a full diagnostic. It ca back clean. After that, he’d even inspected the welds from where the plate had been reattached to the fra. It all looked fine. Considering how much repair it’d seen in the last few months, following the expedition and battle in the Caverns, it was a miracle the bones of the Armor still functioned. But the Order had done as it always did and provided for Knights who’d given service.

All of that to prepare for the eting. It had to be in perfect shape.

It was in fine condition, but then, it was the sa old VALLUM model the Order of Verdant Oak provided to its Initiates. Garin never put in the ti to modify it; he’d always imagined trading up to a better model in the future.

What he struggled with, even after going to the significant effort of ticulously checking his Armor, was putting it on. It always ca with so many checks, so much baggage that half the ti he wondered if he should leave it on the rack. The maintenance alone… Erec had VAL to help him, as did Colin now that the Duke’s spawn was working in the lab.

But him? It was all on him.

Munchy chittered from the top of his helt as he trudged through the wasteland, leaving deep imprints in the ochre dirt behind him. Fido gave a bark at the squirrel and ran a quick circle.

All of this effort for a simple eting with Boldwick.

Why couldn’t he do it in his office?

Garin stopped another half-mile deeper into the wasteland before he finally saw the Master Knight. Boldwick stood out, in his own Armor, standing like a statue on the top of a massive boulder. There he was, in all of his glory, and of course, that much more advanced fra than Garin used.

Garin tapped the side of his visor; it shot up, and he gave the Master Knight a smile.

“Er… so what are we doing? Why et all the way out here?”

Boldwick stared down at him, not returning the gesture. His face was still only the looming steel helt of his Armor.

“Sir?” Garin tried once more.

“Co on, Garin. Though I’ve only recently taken you under my wing, I do think I’ve reached sothing of an understanding about you. I know why you requested the eting, and no doubt your friends have told you what my answer would be, too. I asked you out here because I wanted to know why. Why even ask when you know I was going to say no?”

Garin narrowed his eyes. It felt like Boldwick had just taken that sword off his back and shoved it straight into his gut.

The polite thing in response to that circled in Garin's mind. There were a lot of ways to move the conversation in a more pleasant direction and smooth over the abrasiveness of the words, and normally, he’d do just that. But there was… sothing in that tone. Pity?

Garin couldn’t help himself.

“Fuck you.”

“Better,” Boldwick said with a nod.

The boulder cracked under Boldwick's feet, and he rocketed off it; his entire body beca a cot of fire that whistled through the air.

Garin swore, only having a second to tap his visor down to protect his face from the fire.

Munchy dove off his head and onto Fido, clinging to the Coyote as it took off in a sprint; Garin sloppily withdrew his sword and brought it into a block.

It didn’t matter much. When the crashing weight of hundreds of pounds of steel surrounded by fire hit him, he was thrown back; Garin bounced twice, his Armor ate the brunt of the impact. It still bruised him, and his arms and the front of the steel glowed red-hot. A warning flashed; the Armor had overheated, and several cooling circuits had broken from the exchange.

Where is he?

Garin struggled to get control of his Armor, to sit up.

A boot smashed into his chest and pushed him right back onto the ground. Then ca the tip of a sword for his head. Garin yanked his body, narrowly dodging it even from underneath the boot. Instead, the next blow went for his torso, cutting through steel and slashing his ribs.

“Fuck!” Garin scread.

Is he trying to kill ?

Garin strained, and pushed the boot off, taking another cut along his back which traveled through the plating and drew blood; he scrambled and the blows stopped following him.

Boldwick had allowed him to get back to his feet.

Garin clutched at his side, breath heavy as he stared at the untouched Master Knight, his sword now back in its sheath on his back.

“W-what the hell was that?” Garin asked.

“An example,” Boldwick said with a heavy sigh. “You just died there.”

It felt like he'd just slashed him again, but this ti it was only the sting of the Master Knight's words. Boldwick tore his helt off and looked at Garin. There it was again. Not a tone buried in his words, but a feeling etched on his face. Boldwick was staring at him with pity.

Garin saw red; his fingers clenched. Munchy scread at Boldwick—and Fido gave a bark; it was all he could do not to fall to the ground and cry in pain and frustration.

Pity?

That self-doubt circling in his head for the past month ca rushing out in a flood. It wasn’t just in his head. Here it was, plain to see, his teacher had pegged him the exact sa way he’d thought of himself. Garin wasn’t enough.

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No.

Garin’s gauntlet clenched until he got a warning about the pressure damaging the servos. And then, he let the anger out. "And what—you expect to take on a Master Knight? A man who ambushed ? Is that why I can't go on the expedition? That is fucking insane."

“No. That’s not my expectation. You are a Knight Initiate. Your friends are Knight Errants, and even for them, I'd have rather they stayed here. But I didn’t have a say in it.”

“So I’m not enough.”

“You are. For a Knight Initiate, you’re doing well. Even more than I’d normally expect, and I’ve put you through a lot. But there are obvious skill gaps you have, and challenges I intend to put you through to close those gaps and expand your potential. But there’s the problem. You are where you should be, learning at a pace that puts you on track to be a great Knight. More than most people can achieve, you just have to find it in yourself to be happy with that. I’m proud of your progress. You should be too. Take it easier on yourself.”

Proud? It felt like Boldwick just spat on him.

There was nothing to be proud of here.

Garin snarled, tossing away the half-ford ideas in his head, the polite things he should say. Fuck those polite things.

Deep in him lurked a refusal. And it wasn’t going to allow him to settle.

“Try again—this ti I’ll be prepared. I’ll show you what I can do.” Garin swore.

“There is no need. I made the point I needed to. I explained why things are the way they are. It’s a harsh lesson, but life provides those often.” Boldwick softened, closing the distance between them. There it was. The look hadn’t vanished once. It was still there. Pity.

Garin couldn't stand it. As Boldwick approached, Garin wasn't even aware of it happening; his fingers tightened around the hilt of his sword. He never felt connected to it, always a tool, one the Kingdom said he should use. So he used it; he would make Boldwick see. A flash of surprise registered in the Master Knight's eyes. Before Garin was even halfway into his swing, Boldwick caught it with a flaming sword that flickered to life from a flash of embers.

The two clashed, and Garin grunted.

Fine.

Erec had taught him a trick; Garin shoved forward, unable to et the Master Knight's strength in a clash, but with enough montum to throw him off. Boldwick had to step back, to adjust.

In that, Garin pushed their swords higher, closing into an awkward distance for swordplay. It was there that he used his trick; his fist sang out right for Boldwick’s unguarded face. To wipe out that look of pity.

Only, suddenly, he lost the weight of the sword pressing back against him from above. It vanished into a cloud of ash.

Garin tried to adjust, tried to recalibrate his footing to follow through with the punch—but Boldwick was gone.

A hand caught his wrist and yanked him.

Before Garin even understood what had happened, Boldwick held him restrained by one arm from the back, and shoved him against the ground. The man’s knee pressed into his plating; Garin struggled to move, but the hundreds of pounds of steel on top of him, combined with the sheer muscles of the Master Knight pushing down, was impossible to overco. For all his struggles, all Garin got was bashing his head once into the sand.

"Even that is an example of the gap. You have so many resources, yet you went straight for a punch, just like Erec would have done. You’re not him. And that’s a good thing.”

"What resources?!" Garin wailed, unable to help it. The anger was running through him like a disease. Sweat ran from his brow as he raged against the weight crushing him. There truly was nothing he could do to get out of this pin. The powerlessness…

What was the point of being a Knight if he just failed?

Within his helt, tears pattered against the steel.

Fido barked in the distance, but didn't move any closer; sowhere, Munchy complained, but lingered on the sidelines, watching their master get put in his place.

"For one, your animals, Garin. You didn't use them at all. I gave you that pup expecting to see it put to work—tracking, or even fighting. The pup is agile and could slot into many battles. You’ve hardly trained it for that—and the one animal you have that you’ve put ti into training. With Munchy, you didn’t use him to spy on . Though he is small and fast, you never sent him ahead to see what you were getting into with this eting. Scouting capabilities that you’re aware you have, yet you neglected to use them, even knowing this was an odd eting.”

“I was supposed to expect this?”

“No. You’re a Knight Initiate. I didn’t expect you to do that. I’m just explaining why there is a gap. You don’t act like a Knight Protector, and you don't have enough raw power for the Kingdom to overlook that and force you into an expedition you probably have no place in. Aside from the animals, shall we move on to weapons? Garin. I've had a report that you've been gifted a gun? Where’s the gun, Garin?”

Garin went quiet at that. He’d deliberately left it behind. The fact Boldwick brought it up now… was he disappointed he’d taken to it? The stigma was still strong in the Kingdom, so he took care about where he brought it. Often wrapping it in leather to disguise it.

“I left it in the dorm. I didn’t know you knew about that.”

“I keep tabs on my students. I would be a poor instructor if I did not.”

“I’m… I was just curious about it,” Garin tried to draw the conversation away. Goddess help him if the Master Knight demanded he throw the weapon away.

"A poorly prepared man is one who does not bring all of his available weapons to a battlefield. Co on, Garin; you’ve seen as much. You could have used it to get a shot off on on the boulder, or set up from a larger range. I would have had difficulty with an ambush if you’d prepared differently—hundreds of things, beyond just weapons and animals, Garin. The gap exists in how you approached, in your tactics, in how you’ve yet to fully develop your unique power and abilities. These are all the reasons I’m not comfortable making an exception for you on this expedition. Do you understand? As your instructor, I wish to see you grow. I believe the best place for you, right now, is here. As a man who cares for your wellbeing, I also agree. It is safer here, and you have plenty of room to grow within the confines of the Kingdom. The truth is that, right now, where you are, there is no need to risk your life out there. You will make a fine Knight. But right now, you are a Knight Initiate.”

"But I won't be them. Even if I grow, they'll grow faster," Garin said, and there was silence.

Then a sigh.

“No. Then again, there are very few who would. I wasn’t fighting on that level at their age; that's a tric very few could match. Let alone three in a single Kingdom. They're playing with a power I don't believe any of us understand. As you can see, with this expedition and their forceful placent, that power has consequences. Goddess help them, and see them through the difficulties it will bring. You should be relieved that you are given the space to flourish into the Knight you’re ant to be, without such pressures put upon you.”

“They are—they’re my friends. I can’t let them go out there without . Not with all of what you’re saying—what if they don’t co back?”

There was silence at that. Boldwick let up, the weight on his back vanishing, yet Garin remained on the ground. Fido gave another bark. When Garin finally pushed himself up, he saw the receding back of his instructor.

I can’t let them go. I can’t.

He looked at Munchy and Fido, and the tears ca in a waterfall; Boldwick was right. And it spoke to the part of Garin that knew it was true. He didn’t asure up to the sa standards as his friends. He couldn’t match their sheer ability in combat; when it ca to scouting, he was developing his talents, but it didn’t put him in a league of his own. It didn’t make him indispensable to the Order. He’d practiced his social skills and was fairly fluent in diplomacy… But that wasn’t on par with so of the Knights who’d been doing it for decades.

So what did he have? He didn't have the years of the other Knights, nor their power, nor the edge on scouting, either.

Yet, he needed to go East. He felt it, deep down in him, a calling of… well, Garin didn’t have the words, but it scread that if he missed this, then all of his life would be a waste; but he saw it. Sotis, deep in his sleep. He, a Knight, sitting at the sa table as others, able to enjoy a life with Colin and Erec. With his friends.

But he’d yet to earn it. Yet to reach it. And if he missed this, he knew that would never co to be. He’d beco a Knight, the one he was. But not the one he wanted to be.

But how?

He forced the tears to stop and stared at the receding form of Boldwick in the distance.

Garin would get on that expedition. It was, as Boldwick said, that he just needed to better use his resources to do so. Even if Boldwick didn’t approve.