Chapter 211
I spent the rest of the night reading the cartography manual Korrim had lent in relaxed clothes while my friends hung out. It wasn't all that difficult, I just needed to rember a handful of symbols and notes that I copied into another of my empty journals. I had considered trying to get or buy a full copy of the book but after reading through a lot of it, that won't be necessary. Most of this was pretty straightforward. I even had so ideas to streamline the process for myself using light and ritual magic. I idly wondered if it would be sothing that would earn praise or piss off other cartographers. Eh, if they didn't like it I just wouldn't share the spells or rituals I cooked up.
"Lilith... can we talk for a bit?" Torien asked.
I smiled and closed the book I was reading. "Sure. Down here or upstairs?"
"Upstairs please," Torien replied quietly.
I stood up and followed her up the stairs. Silva watched the two of us with a slight frown on her face before going back to the solitary card ga she often played. The two of us entered the room and I followed her lead by sitting on the bed across from her.
"What's up Torien? Should I pop up a [Zone of Silence]?" I lowered my voice. "If it's about Silva, it'd probably be for the best."
Torien blushed and nodded so I did as I promised and shut out all of the nearby sound using the familiar illusion magic spell.
She took a breath and looked up at awkwardly. "Lilith... do you think I should stay with Silva now?"
I frowned. "That really depends on you... Have you figured out what's upsetting you?"
Her ears went back and she looked out the window for a few heartbeats. "I... I had been talking with her about becoming a succubus. Like a lot... Morrigan has wanted to do it for a while but I've been scared and I didn't want my sister to do it without ... It... feels like she wouldn't be my sister anymore if she changed." I was about to interrupt but she put her hand up. "I know that being her sister is more than that... logically, but I have always taken pride in the fact that we looked alike too."
Torien sighed. "But... the whole ti we've been talking about this, not once did she tell that she planned on taking you up on the offer. She never told more than what she told you, that she 'wasn't ready' for it yet. But all of that was only so she could keep lying to us. I feel like an idiot hemming and hawing about what I should do while she just pretended not to want the transformation herself. She... held and told it was a hard decision and that I shouldn't rush anything but that wasn't true for her was it? She was lying to too, playing with my feelings!"
Torien had a frustrated look on her face as tears rolled down her cheeks. "And then I found out she knew my aunt! After seeing how amazing she is, I just feel like a replacent for her... She did a shadowleap! Bloodline magic from our ancestors and she did it while barely breaking a sweat!" Torien wrapped her arms around herself. "Now I just feel like a cheap substitution for her."
I got up and sat on the bed next to Torien and pulled her into a hug. "No one thinks you're a cheap replacent for your aunt. I overheard them talking and Silva was pretty adamant that she wasn't with you because you reminded her of Lorriene. Your aunt was pretty skeptical of your relationship too when she first found out about it, she even thought that Silva may have been trying to get back at her for sothing. Silva told her directly that she didn't know you were related when she t us and only tried to get with you because you were attractive in your own right and she liked your personality. I'm inclined to believe her," I said.
Torien sniffled. "Are you sure she's not lying?"
I sighed. "Unfortunately... I'm not. I feel a little betrayed by Silva as well still. She was lying to all of us for a long ti. I thought I was helping her or sothing but she was just using her slavery as a disguise. I also kind of feel like an idiot..."
Torien's arms wrapped around and she buried her face into my side. "You're not an idiot..."
I held her against , a little unaccustod to the closeness from her. "Maybe... but I feel like one. I'm not nearly as confident as I always pretend to be. I'm... still scared I'll screw up like I did back in the midnight castle when I almost died to the vampire queen. When I told you that you were my partner and that I relied on you, I ant it. I feel like I can count on you to tell when I'm being stupid and keep on track. You're the only one who really questions and makes explain my thought process."
Torien pulled back from and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Really? I... hadn't noticed that."
I smiled. "You do. Not always in the most direct way, but you're always looking out for us. Making sure you keep your sister and the rest of us safe. It's... been hard to see the way you've been acting since your collar ca off. You're acting like you don't know what to do anymore, like you lost all of your self-confidence. But you didn't keep all of that in your collar, you kept that in here," I said playfully poking her head.
She leaned against with a frown on her face. "It's... been hard. I've been trying to pretend everything was normal... but it seems I wasn't doing a good job of it..."
I laughed. "That was you pretending everything was normal?"
She chuckled too. "Yeah, looking back I really wasn't acting like myself... I just don't know how to act anymore. It's like... there was always a clear objective before... Even if that objective was just, don't piss my mistress off... In your case, it was by pretending not to be a slave..."
"Was it just pretending?" I asked quietly. "I thought we were making progress... as actual friends..."
Torien sighed. "Well... yes and no. I... do think of you as a friend after that experience in Goldenhearth and now especially. But before... it was maybe fifty-fifty? Sotis masters like slaves that are a little bit snide and talk back so they can punish them. I... sort of leaned into that mindset without the fear that you would punish for it."
"So the teasing comnts were an act? Do you not normally like to talk like that?" I asked.
She humd. "Well... maybe at first. I think that was how I justified it to myself. How to best make my mistress happy. Eventually though... I relaxed. I grew comfortable talking to you like that. It felt like we had strong established roles that I could rely on. I didn't need to worry that you would lash out, you were pretty easy to read when you were angry... and you seed happiest when I was joking with you. I... think that's why I was so scared when the collars ca off. It wasn't because I thought you would abandon us. It was more like... I didn't know how to act around you anymore... as silly as that sounds..."
"It's not silly," I said. "I think that makes a lot of sense."
"...Maybe. But this conversation is reminding that you've always just been trying to be our friend. And even though the role that I had been pretending to play and eventually grew comfortable in wasn't real at first, I do also want to be your friend. I was always just pretending to be your friend, but now... now that I'm free... I can be your friend for real..."
I held Torien against as she started to sniffle again. I felt... kind of happy. It really hurt when she said she was 'pretending' to be my friend, but I think I understand what she ant. I don't think she was saying that she didn't truly feel that way, it was just that she had to view things that way as a slave... soone who was serving . This situation reminds of the ti she and her sister had briefly connected to the bond and I shared my sincere feelings with the two of them. This felt similar. But the fact that she was here, sharing her feelings with now, being honest about how she felt. It ant that she was proving she actually wanted to be my friend. My partner. My family.
She pulled away and wiped her eyes. "Sorry. I... I didn't an to bring all of this up. I just... I don't know what to do about Silva. I'm... I think I'm still mad at her but I don't know what to say or what to do..."
I scratched my horn and looked at the ceiling for a mont. "Are you mad enough at her that you think you want to end things between the two of you? Is this a big enough deal that you want to completely sever ties?" I asked.
Her ears went back again and she looked down at the bed with a frown. She was quiet for a few monts and rubbed her arm while thinking. "No... I don't think I want to go that far..."
I nodded. "Good, then you should gather the courage to sit down and talk with her. Tell her that you're upset with her."
"But I don't... what if I can't say why I'm so mad? I don't know exactly what's bothering ..." she whispered.
"Then tell her that," I said simply. "Tell her how you feel not why you feel that way. Tell her that you feel betrayed, or sad, or lonely, or however her taking that transformation without saying anything to you made you feel. Just be honest with her and give her a chance to make it up to you. Even if it doesn't help and you drift further apart, at least you confronted it head-on and didn't run from it."
Torien sighed as her black cat tail drooped off the bed. "Okay... you're right. I'll talk to her and... even if things don't go back to normal then maybe they'll at least get better..."
"And if you're still not up to sleeping in the sa room as her you can still co sleep in our room with your sister, the other girls, and . You're welco here."
Torien blushed and looked away. "Maybe not... I... heard from the others how frisky you were with Bella after we left."
I coughed. "Regardless, whatever makes you feel best. I don't mind waiting for you to wake up and leave to take care of that stuff..."
"No, it's not that it's... Morrigan got a little jealous that she was left out because of ..." she admitted.
"Oh... Well... I'll have to make sure to make it up to her then."
Torien sniffed and wiped her eyes again before slipping off the bed. "Thanks, Lilith. This conversation... it really helped. I promise I'll try to rember you're my actual friend... not my mistress anymore. I just... thank you I guess."
I smiled. "You're welco. I just want you to be happy."
She scratched the back of her head and looked away with the beginning of a grin on her face. "I know. I think I'm getting there. I think I'll need a bit more energy to talk with Silva but... I will."
I stood up and pulled her into another hug. "Good. I'm sure you'll work things out."
When I let go of her she took a few steps back and rubbed her bare neck. "I'll also give so more thought to becoming a succubus. Without the collars... I feel like it's less pressure. I don't need to consider that it may free the two of us as well... I can just decide if it's what I want to do for myself and my sister."
"There's no rush Torien," I told her. "And you don't have to take up on the offer if you don't want to either. I won't judge."
The corner of her smile tugged up a little and she looked off to my left. "Yeah... well Morrigan will judge and I think I have less reason to be scared of it than before. Maybe it'll finally be ti for it soon."
"Well no pressure from . I an it, I won't transform you until I think you're ready for it," I told her seriously.
"I know," she said with a smile. "It ans a lot. Thank you for... not turning the last ti I asked."
I nodded. "You weren't in your right mind, you were still reacting to the collars. I didn't feel comfortable allowing you to make that kind of decision when you were like that."
"Yeah... I think I would have regretted it had we gone through with it then. It was reassuring when you refused ... but everything was still so confusing... it still is. A bit." She cleared her throat and turned around. "I'm going to have another talk with my sister... I'm not sure where I'll be sleeping tonight but I'll make sure to say goodnight regardless."
I followed her to the door and released the [Zone of Silence]. "Sure. I still need to work on that map before tomorrow."
"Ah, right. It looked like you were having fun working on it," she said as I followed her through the door.
"I do! It's a bit like drawing. It feels familiar..."
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