These days, I often found myself wondering what would have happened if I had just jumped that day. The thought always arose whenever my mind drifted sowhere it should not.
Would I have opened my eyes as Vanitas Astrea again?
Or would I have woken as Archmage Zen?
Or perhaps, the simplest possibility of all, would I have simply died?
When I considered every option carefully, the last one felt like the best outco.
If I had died then, maybe the strings would have finally loosened.
Maybe the universe would have corrected its error.
But I did not die. I lived. And because I lived, I was forced to keep moving, no matter how tired I beca. I did not know which version of the world wanted.
I did not know which thread I truly belonged to.
And I refuse such a fate.
If I were to fall, then the world must fall with . It was only right, wasn’t it? I, who had lived as Vanitas Astrea with no mories of Archmage Zen, had still saved the world in the past.
So if the world wished for to suffer again in the next life, then it was only right for to drag the world down with as well, wasn’t it?
What more did they expect?
What more did they want from ?
What more must I lose before it was enough?
My chest tightened, and yet I kept laughing inside, a laugh so dry and bitter it tasted like dust in the back of my throat.
Why should I die alone?
Why should I break alone?
Why should I...
Thud!
A small pebble struck my chest all of a sudden, snapping my thoughts into attention. I blinked and looked up. Standing a short distance away was a child, trembling so hard his knees nearly buckled, yet he still forced himself to stand tall.
His tiny hand was balled into a fist. His eyes were red. And despite the fear in his eyes, he glared at with everything he had left.
"You... you monster!" he scread. "G-Give back my father!"
"...."
I did not know who the boy was. I did not know which man he was mourning. But from my recent actions, it was easy to guess. His father had likely been one of the foolish citizens who aligned themselves with the cult.
"Your father?"
Give him back his father?
As though such a thing were possible. As though the man he mourned had not already orphaned another child in another corner of this rotting world.
Perhaps this was simply balance. One orphan for another. One child grieving in place of all the children his father had dood.
It was, in its own twisted way, fair.
"Your father," I said, "took sothing from soone else. So I took sothing from him. That is all."
"...."
His eyes widened in horror.
I reached out and flicked the pebble back toward him. It rolled across the ground and stopped at his feet.
"If you wish to avenge him," I said, "grow up stronger than he ever was. Co find then. I will not run."
I walked down the street with the child’s sobs fading behind , a grin tugging at my lips. By the ti that boy grew up, by the ti he could even hope to challenge , I would’ve already long left this rotten world.
The cycle of hatred would continue without . The world would keep burning even after I left it behind.
And perhaps that was the only justice I had left to give.
The greatest philosophers might call my ntality weak, but what could I do? I was only human. I was only one person. Even if they idealized resilience and glorified the strength of the mind, none of them had lived my life.
They had not endured the things I had lost or borne the truths I had uncovered. They only ever spoke from the comfort of their conclusions, because they had never walked through the fire themselves.
When I returned to the Astrea Estate, it was silent. The halls that once bustled with servants and staff were already empty.
It was expected. I had already instructed everyone to flee while they still had the chance. There was no reason for any of them to suffer the consequences of my actions.
Soon, this place would be condemned. The public would gather at the gates, calling for my head. Noble factions would take advantage of the chaos. The clergy would preach of justice. The working class would riot.
Every single enemy I had made, whether righteous or hypocritical, would use this mont to demand my downfall.
I walked through the corridors, listening to my footsteps echo off the walls. It felt strange. This estate had always been lively. Even during my darkest days, there was always soone moving about.
"Welco ho, Lord Astrea."
"...Evan."
Standing at the entrance was my butler, the sa man who had been with since the day I entered the Astrea household.
Before I could even respond, another voice approached from behind.
"Would you like to prepare a al, Lord Astrea? Or do you wish to bathe first?"
It was Heidi, the Head Maid, who had served the Astrea family even during my mother’s ti, dedicating half her life to raising my little sister, Charlotte.
They were both here, as if nothing had changed.
"...Why are you both still here?" I asked.
Heidi simply smiled as if the question had never been spoken at all.
"Very well. I’ll prepare a nice warm bath."
It was as if she had chosen the one response that let her pretend nothing was wrong. anwhile, Evan lowered his head in a manner that made it clear he intended to remain here as long as I stayed standing.
And that left standing in the foyer with a sinking feeling I could not force away.
"Heidi. Evan. I told everyone to leave."
Evan slowly lifted his head. His expression remained calm, as if the words had not reached him at all.
"My apologies if the kitchen is still in a bit of a ss. I was in the middle of cleaning it. I will have it spotless as soon as possible."
There was so sort of splatter of dried sauce on his sleeves. Judging by that, he had probably been scrubbing the stove or the sink when he heard arrive and rushed here without finishing the task.
"Heidi. Evan," I repeated. "I told you both to leave."
"Your bath will be ready shortly, Lord Astrea."
Evan bowed as if agreeing with Heidi. "If you desire anything specific, please let know."
"...."
I stood there in silence for a mont. Their lack of reaction, the way they moved as if nothing around us was falling apart, only made the rage inside boil even further.
"Get out!" I shouted, clenching my fist so hard my knuckles burned.
But they moved around anyway, carrying on with their tasks. Heidi walked toward the stairs to prepare the bath, while Evan was already entering the kitchen. It was as if my voice had never reached them at all.
"Just why...."
I was just about to enter my office when I noticed a small head peeking out from the library entrance. The door was slightly ajar, and from behind it was Selena.
"Is now a good ti, Marquess?" she asked.
I nodded. "Is there sothing you need?"
"Yes," she said, stepping out fully. "I was wondering if you could help align the theoretical nodes for the spell formula I’m working on."
"An original spell?"
Selena nodded again, holding the notebook against her chest. "I’ve been researching it for a while. But every ti I reach the third layer, the nodes collapse. I thought that maybe you could take a look."
"Show ."
Ti passed without noticing. The entire day had been spent tutoring Selena and assisting her in her preparations for tomorrow.
"So this part should connect to—"
I stopped mid-sentence. Selena had already fallen asleep. She sat upright in her chair, her hands resting on her lap. Her eyes were closed, and she was quietly snoring, completely unaware of the ink stains on her fingers or the half-finished circle in front of her.
I removed my coat and placed it gently over her shoulders, then moved her so her head could rest comfortably against the desk. Only when she dove deeper into sleep did I start cleaning the table.
"Vanitas—"
Margaret stood at the doorway. I raised a finger to my lips. "She’s sleeping."
"Ah, yes."
She glanced at Selena and smiled, then turned to look at .
"I ca to check on you."
"There’s no need." I looked away, returning to the open books on the table. "Everything is prepared for tomorrow."
I was placing the books back on the shelves when a sudden warmth pressed against my back. Before I could turn fully, I felt arms wrap around my waist. When I looked over my shoulder, I saw Margaret hugging from behind.
"What’s the matter?" I asked.
"Your legs were shaking. I thought you were about to fall.’
I lowered my gaze and realized she was right. My legs trembled uncontrollably, and when I raised my hand, my fingers were pale and shaking just as badly.
Margaret tightened her hold on and rested her forehead on my back. One of her hands slid across my stomach, her fingers intertwining together until she held firmly.
When I glanced down at her hands, I noticed faint streaks of dried blood on her fingertips. I recalled hearing shouting and banging outside the gates earlier while I was tutoring Selena. It seed Margaret had handled it herself.
"Vanitas."
"What is it?"
"Do you really have to be this way?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Making yourself the enemy of everyone. I do not like it. The people slander you as if they understand you. As if they know everything about what you have done or why you had to do it. They act as if their judgnt has any weight, as if they are entitled to condemn you for decisions they could never take responsibility for."
She pressed her head more firmly against my back, as if trying to shield from the world itself.
"I hate hearing them talk about you like that. I hate the way they look at you. And I hate that you let them."
For a mont, I could feel her breathing against my back.
Whether she had a point or not, I could not bring myself to care. By now, posters and bounties with my face should already be plastered across the capital. The brief peace Soliette’s announcent had brought would have faded by now.
The riots that should have been only in the underbelly of Aetherion would have already reached the heart of the capital.
They must have demanded an explanation. Franz’s reputation would have sunk just as low as mine for allowing to roam free without punishnt. The Great Powers, who had allowed to proceed with my actions, would naturally face the backlash as well.
Yet all of this was expected. It was written long before the stage was set. Every consequence had been agreed upon behind the scenes, and every reaction had already been accounted for.
"When are you leaving?" she asked.
"Before dawn."
"Will you really not take with you?"
"No, you’ll have to stay here as my eyes and ears."
Margaret had always been the only one I could trust. And in return, Margaret trusted with the sa absolute certainty. When the whole world would doubt , Margaret would always be excluded from that list.
"Vanitas."
"What is it?"
"I love you."
To say I wasn’t attracted to her would be a lie.
Margaret was the only presence where I could fully breathe, the only person who never judged , never doubted , never demanded anything I couldn’t give.
Being with her wasn’t uncomfortable. If anything, it was different. She made feel as if I were my own person. As if I weren’t shackled by the many nas that haunted .
"Could you turn around?"
I did as she asked, turning fully, and the mont I faced her, Margaret leaned in and sealed my lips with a kiss. I didn’t pull away and returned her warmth.
When we finally parted, she looked up at , desire evident in her eyes.
"Why are you looking at like that?" I asked.
"I just feel like you’ll go off sowhere far away if I look away even for a second."
I cupped her cheek, brushing my thumb beneath her eye. "Didn’t I tell you already? That I would marry you? Do you want to make it official?"
"You’re so an." Her eyes started to glisten with tears. "In two years... we don’t even know if you only have one left..."
"Co."
I took her by the wrist and led her into my bedroom. Then I opened a drawer, reached inside, and pulled out a small box I had set aside long ago.
When I lifted the lid, Margaret froze. Her eyes widened as I took the ring and slid it onto her finger.
"This is my promise."
The words were heavier than anything I had spoken in a long ti. I didn’t know if I would die tonight, tomorrow, or next month. I didn’t even know if I would truly last a year.
Yet despite that uncertainty, I owed this woman who never turned her back on , even once, a vow that I would not simply throw my life away. That I would return as long as there was breath left in .
Her hand trembled as she stared at the ring. Then she covered her face with her free hand, shoulders shaking.
Once more, Margaret wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed . I leaned forward and gently guided her onto the bed.
She reached up and began unbuttoning my shirt. When the fabric loosened, I let it fall away and t her gaze.
I lowered myself, brushing a kiss against her forehead, then her temple, then slowly down to the curve of her neck. A soft whimper escaped her lips as her fingers slid up my back.
"Vanitas..." she whispered.
"I’m right here," I said. My hand brushed her hair aside so I could see her face, and the way she looked at made my chest tighten.
"Promise you’ll co back."
"I promise."
I leaned even closer.
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