A heavy vibranium shield flew right between Tony and Thor, ricocheted sharply off a thick oak tree with a loud clang, and returning perfectly to Steve Rogers’ waiting hand. The Captain landed heavily on a fallen trunk.
"Hey!" Steve yelled, dropping into a defensive combat stance. "That is enough!"
He jumped down into the cratered, smoking clearing. "Now, I don’t know what you plan on doing here—"
"I have co here to put an end to Loki’s sches!" Thor declared, gesturing angrily with his hamr.
"Then prove it," Steve said firmly. "Put the hamr down."
"Yeah, no," Tony interjected quickly, keeping his gauntlets raised. "Bad call. He really loves his hamr."
Thor glared at Steve, deeply insulted. "You want to put the hamr down?!"
With a furious roar, Thor leaped high into the air, bringing Mjolnir down with all his godly might. Steve dropped instantly to one knee and raised his shield above his head.
The hamr struck the vibranium.
A massive, deafening shockwave erupted from the point of impact. The sheer kinetic force flattened every single remaining tree in a hundred-yard radius. A blinding flash of blue light illuminated the dark forest, followed by a thick cloud of pulverized dirt and shredded bark that blinded them all.
Slowly, the heavy dust began to settle.
The forest was completely leveled. Steve crouched safely behind his shield, breathing hard but totally unhard. Thor stood a few feet away, staring at the vibranium disc in absolute shock.
Tony hovered nearby as the faceplate of his armor flipped up with a chanical whir.
Seeing the small shield flawlessly absorb a cosmic force that would have severely dented his own upgraded suit made Tony pause. He thought about Arthur’s old promise to gift him raw vibranium the day he beca a father. He had not taken the offer seriously over the past couple of years, mostly because he and Pepper had been buried in their work. But looking at that impossible shield now, Tony was seriously reconsidering his tiline.
For a long, quiet mont, the only sound in the ruined forest was pine needles drifting down from the surviving canopy.
Steve slowly raised his head from behind the shield.
"Are we done?" he asked.
Thor lowered Mjolnir slowly.
He looked at the shield. He looked at Steve.
"Yes," the god said softly. "We are done."
Thor turned his attention back to Tony, resting his hamr casually by his side. "You fight remarkably well, Man of Iron."
"I prefer Iron Man, but sure." Tony rolled his shoulders inside the heavy armor to test the joints. "Wait. How do you know that na?"
"Arthur Hayes," Thor said, a booming laugh rumbling deep in his chest."He spoke of a mortal warrior clad in tal who flies through the skies."
Tony went still for a beat.
"Hayes said sothing nice about . Without having to drag it out of him with pliers." Tony squinted suspiciously at Thor. "Did he hit his head recently? Is the world ending faster than I thought?"
"He said it once. In passing. With the sa expression he uses when he is discussing the weather."
"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds about right," Tony sighed. "The man could complint you on saving his life and make it sound like a quarterly stock report."
"He has never once offered genuine praise after our sparring bouts," Thor said, sounding genuinely aggrieved. "I have begun to take it as a personal insult to my pride."
"Right? Sa. Last month he watched hack into SHIELD’s most secure database in twelve minutes and all he said was ’mm’."
"Mm."
"Mm."
"That is exactly the noise," Thor nodded vigorously.
"That is the only noise he makes."
"And the absolute worst of it, Man of Iron, is that he hoards every single piece of information in the realm and doles it out one miserable grain at a ti, only when he has decided the mont is suitably dramatic."
"Yes! Thank you. I have been trying to put that into words for years."
"He reveals his truths only when it perfectly suits his grand strategies." Thor rested Mjolnir comfortably on his shoulder. "He is much like my brother in that regard. Though Arthur’s heart is far nobler."
"The bar is pretty low there, big guy."
"Yes. It is. I have made my peace with this."
They stood there grinning at each other, two n who had just discovered, mid-fight, that they shared the sa exact grievance about the sa exact friend. Tony would rember the mont later as the start of one of the more unexpected friendships of his life.
"But," Thor added, his eyes crinkling with amusent, "Arthur was not the one who told you were formidable enough to fight a god."
Tony raised an eyebrow. "Then who?"
"A much fiercer warrior." Thor’s smile widened. "Little Tristan."
Tony froze. A massive, genuine grin broke across his face. "The kid? Tristan actually bragged about ? Not Arthur?"
"Endlessly. Whenever he visits Asgard, he tells anyone who will listen about the glorious, explosive feats of his Uncle Tony. He is quite convinced you are the finest warrior in this entire realm."
"Above Arthur?"
"Far above him. He proudly told the whole feast hall that his father is, and I quote, ’lazy and never fights villains like Uncle Tony does.’ Arthur was deeply unimpressed. He attempted to defend his honor. The boy was not interested."
"Oh. Oh that is beautiful. That is the best thing I have heard all year." Tony tipped his head back and laughed, ribs and all. "I want that on a plaque, Thor. I want that engraved sowhere. Lazy and never fights villains like Uncle Tony does. That is going on my office wall."
"I can have it inscribed in beautiful Asgardian runes if you wish."
"Thor. Buddy. Yes."
"It will be done."
Tony was still grinning like a fool. He could not help it. The grin was doing sothing to his face he could not quite control.
"Well, the kid is a certified genius. He obviously knows quality when he sees it. I always knew I was his favorite."
Thor scoffed playfully, puffing out his chest. "Do not be so certain, Stark. I am clearly his favorite."
"Excuse ?"
"When was the last ti he visited you, Stark?"
"He... uh." Tony scratched the back of his neck inside the gauntlet. "Last month. I think. Maybe the month before. We have been busy."
"He visits Asgard regularly. He likes the Asgardian nature, the warrior battles, the great hunting hounds in my mother’s garden. He has eaten at my mother’s table more tis than yours."
"Thor."
"Yes."
"Are you flexing on with your mom right now."
"I am."
"Cold. That’s cold."
"It is honest." Thor’s grin was widening by the second. "And I will tell you sothing else. I am going to train the boy myself in the arts of war. One day, when he is truly ready, he will lift Mjolnir."
Tony’s grin flickered slightly.
"Wait. Lift Mjolnir? He can do that?"
"He will."
"He’s five."
"Yes."
"Hold on. Hold on a second. Doesn’t the magic hamr give the wielder, like, the whole lightning package?"
"Lightning. Flight. Strength worthy of Asgard." Thor’s smile was entirely without rcy. "And more."
"Thor."
"Yes, Man of Iron."
"You are telling your master plan to win ’Favorite Uncle’ is to give a five-year-old the destructive power of a Norse god."
"It is a very effective plan."
"That is unhinged. That is the most unhinged plan I have ever heard. That is a plan made by a man who has never once been responsible for a child’s bedti."
"And what is your counter-strategy, Man of Iron?"
"I will build him a custom, scaled-down repulsor gauntlet that fires harmless, colorful light. He can wear it around the house. He can safely light up the dog with it. Eileen will not literally murder , which is a lot more than I can say for your insane hamr plan."
"A toy."
"A highly advanced gauntlet, Thor. With targeting systems."
"Mjolnir is the soul of a dying star given form."
"He can wear my gauntlet to school."
They stared at each other across the ruined clearing. Two grown, incredibly powerful n standing in the smoking wreckage of a small forest, locked in mortal combat over the affections of a five-year-old boy.
"We shall let the boy decide when next we et," Thor announced grandly.
"We absolutely will."
—
Steve had been standing quietly in the middle of the flattened clearing the entire ti.
He had picked up his shield after the shockwave. He had slung it carefully over his good arm. And then he had simply stood there, his jaw tight with complete and utter bewildernt, looking at Thor, looking at Tony, looking at the violently flattened, smoking forest surrounding them.
They had just nearly leveled a mountain trying to kill each other, and now they were warmly arguing over a wizard’s kid.
"I... excuse ?" Steve said, his voice entirely flat.
Tony waved a dismissive, armored hand at him without looking away from Thor. "Oh, hey Cap. It is fine, we are good. Mutual friend."
Steve stared at them for a long, painful mont. He slowly reached up and pressed his secure earpiece.
"Agent Romanoff," Steve said, sounding exactly like a man who had finally lost his tenuous grip on reality. "Is this normal?"
Natasha’s cool, deadpan voice crackled back over the radio instantly.
"Nothing about any of this is normal, Captain."
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