“Miria!” called out my mother again.
I felt a glimr of excitent as I thought about the first real conversation I would have with my mother in this life. Thus far, she had been in a drug trip almost every ti I interacted with her, and seeing her lucid for the first ti in months brought hope for a real change. I wanted my mother to get better in this life. And having a real conversation with her was the foundation for improving everything.
I left my room and half-ran into the living room, and looked at my mother.
She was… normal looking. Or at least, much more normal looking than usual. None of the usual haze stuck to her eyes, and when she looked at , she looked as though she was really looking at , instead of a distant apparition that existed only in her imagination.
“Mom,” I said, cautiously.
My mother hesitated, and looked at more carefully, and I could see a bit of a grim smile appear near her lips.
“You’ve grown,” she said. “In my mories, you’re much smaller…” she sighed, and shuddered. “Miria,” she said. Even though she still seed a bit out of it, her words were the clearest they had ever been in this life. “I… I haven’t been well, have I?”
“You… you haven’t been, mama,” I said. I felt my eyes start to grow hot as I thought of all the tis I had tried to talk to my mother, and she had just given a blank, empty smile as I watched her slowly kill herself. “You haven’t… been here.”
“Miria… you’ve grown older,” said my mother. “So much older while I wasn’t here. I’m sorry. It hurt so much, and I didn’t want to look at anything, so I just… dread. I don’t…I’m not sure how you even survived.” She said, as she inspected my arms and legs, and then looked at my face. “You look healthy. Much healthier than I thought you would.”
I nodded. “I found soone who was willing to let help out for food, so I’m not hungry these days. I was really hungry before. But it can be better now. You’re… you’re planning on continuing… right?” I asked, looking into my mother’s eyes and making the best pleading expression I could.
Please be done with drugs. Even if you just want to get better, I can help. I have magic and as long as you want to get better I can find a way to make it happen. As long as you’re willing to accept help, I’ll help.
My mother sighed. “So you needed to find soone to take care of you when I couldn’t. That… makes sense. Who is it?”
I felt a stab of concern. I couldn’t tell whether she was ignoring my unspoken question, or whether she hadn’t understood it. Should I push harder? Should I back off?
I had never dealt with soone in such a delicate ntal state before this. Sallia and Felix had never once lost control of their ntal faculties. Not like this.
I felt like I was in a field of landmines. A single mistake could cause the situation to collapse and send my mother back into a drug induced haze for months. For now I decided to back off and go with my mother’s topic change.
“Old Mo helped . He runs a bakery. Nothing fancy, but he needed so help kneading dough in the mornings, so I help him out in exchange for als.”
My mother sighed. “A bakery, huh. You’re… four? Five?” My mother looked at , and then shuddered. “Gods, I don’t even know what year it is anymore. Is working at a bakery where you learned to talk so… maturely?”
I froze. Was I doing a bad job of pretending to be a four year old? I had thought I was doing all right, but it had also been a long ti since I had the mindset of a real child. Ever since I had joined the Market, I was basically playing pretend anyti I tried to act like a kid…
My mother looked at my confused expression, and then sighed. “I guess with a mother like , you had no choice but to grow up fast…” she shook her head again. “Damn. I really need…” She reached for a small pouch that I hadn’t noticed before. It hung off of her shoulder, almost like a fanny pack. I saw my mother pull out a pinch of blue powder and start raising it towards her mouth-
“Mama? Can you not take Fizz anymore?” I asked, urgently. My mother’s first response to stress or disappointnt had been to imdiately start reaching for her drugs again. I nearly teleported the drugs away from her, before I managed to stop myself in ti. My mother wasn’t in her right mind most of the ti - I didn’t think she would really be all that great at keeping secrets. If my mother started blabbing about my weird teleportation abilities to her custors, it wouldn’t be long before soone put two and two together and figured out where Felix had gone.
But the temptation was still there. I wanted to knock the drugs out of my mother’s hand and throw them in the trash.
My mother froze for a mont, looking at and the pinch of blue powder in her hand.
“Please? Don’t take any more. If you just wean yourself off of it, maybe you can get better. And then…” And then I would have you in my life, instead of a hollow shell of a person that occasionally wanders into the house before passing out. I didn’t say that out loud, because it didn’t match the four year old persona I was trying to display.
My mother looked at , and then looked at the blue powder in her hand, before she laughed bitterly.
“Miria.” Her eyes locked onto mine, and her expression beca unreadable. So of the sorrow and warmth that had been in her gaze seed to fade away, replaced with a look of alienation and disgust as she stared at . There was sothing else in her eyes for just a mont - sothing that made a bit nervous. It was a spark of rage.
Then, a few seconds later, my mother smothered it before turning to again. She stuffed the pinch of blue powder into her mouth, chewed once, and then swallowed.
“When you’re older, you’ll understand, Miria. Verne isn’t… a good place to live for soone like . People don’t… think highly of my work, and they also don’t really approve of single mothers,” said my mother, snorting. “No matter what I do, nothing will change anyway. Ever since I kicked your bastard of a father out, getting by has been hard, but at least everything we have is safe with him gone.” My mother snarled as she said that.
“But mama… when you’re at ho, it doesn’t feel like you’re really here,” I said. “I don’t care what you do for work. If you don’t want to anymore, we can change it. If you really don’t want to change… it’s not what matters right now. What I want is for you to be here with when you talk.”
My mother snorted again, although I couldn’t tell if that was so sort of reaction to the drugs she had just inhaled or not.
“Miria… I love you, but the real problems are you damn father and my… job,” she said. “When you get older, and you understand what I do for a living… you’ll see why my actions don’t matter anymore. Don’t ask to stop. This is the only way I have left to cope with our situation.”
I started to feel a gut-wrenching pain in my gut.
“So you won’t stop? You won’t even consider it?” I asked, hoping that maybe I had just misunderstood my mother. If my mother was willing to work with to improve, there was so much I could do to help. I could use alteration to turn all of the drugs she took into so sort of vile-tasting sludge, or just ‘hide’ it from my mother… or a number of other things.
But if my mother actively fought my treatnt, I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like I could stalk her 24/7 and teleport things out of her hand anyti she was about to take a drug.
“No. Stop asking,” said my mother. Once again, for a brief mont, my mother had an expression of alienation and coldness on her face as she looked at .
I hesitated for a mont. I had never seen that kind of expression on any of my previous parents. I knew that I hadn’t. It almost made want to run away, instead of continuing to talk with my mother.
But if nothing changed, she wouldn’t get better.
I hesitated. Was pulling back the right thing to do? Should I wait for another day?
I thought about how long I had waited for a single lucid day from my mother. If I pulled back now, I might need to wait months, or years, for another lucid conversation with my mother. I didn’t think that was a good idea. Even if my mother’s body and brain were in decent condition due to my constant healing, the longer my mother was trapped in a haze of drugs and despair, the harder it would be to build a life afterwards. I wasn’t sure if it was possible for my mother to get back everything she had lost during this period of ti… but I wanted to try. I wanted her to get back on her feet, so that she could build a life again.
“Mama, if you don’t stop taking Fizz, you’ll still keep hurting. If you stop, then we can find ways for everything to improve. Please, just-”
“Don’t ASK TO STOP,” snapped my mother, nearly snarling at , before she shivered, and her tone beca a bit softer. “Sweetie, don’t ntion Fizz again. I hate the way I get when you ntion it. I don’t want to hurt you by accident. See? I don’t… I can’t…” my mother’s eyes were starting to beco a bit more vacant as the drugs she had swallowed started to take over again. “I can’t handle the withdrawal symptoms, sweetie. I’m sorry. I didn’t an it.” She leaned a little closer to , and then gently wrapped in her arms.
This was the first hug I’d had that didn’t feel nice. I just felt cold and sad.
A few monts later, my mother released and then wandered into her room. I was left with an empty feeling in my heart. As I heard my mother start to drift further into a set of dreams, Felix quietly crawled out of my closet and started gently rubbing my back as I sat on my bed and tried not to cry.
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