Zhang Yichen actually knew very well in his heart that he could not bla his mother for this matter. His mom did not make many mistakes; he was just blinded by his own freedom at that ti. He didn’t know what he really wanted back then, and he was too young, easily forgetting that he had a family, kids, and even elderly people who needed his care.
"I’ve said that no matter when or where, I will never bla you for the past. We have been through so much already, and you know how scared I am. I fear losing my family, and I’m even afraid of that feeling of losing and regaining. When you left and then returned to this ho, I was so joyful, so happy, so blessed. But when you returned ho and chose to leave again, did you ever stop to think how desperate and lost I felt at that mont?
I longed for years for my father and mother to finally return ho, but eventually, for other reasons, they still chose to leave again at that mont. My inner world collapsed. I never expected my parents to be so heartless, willing to abandon their own son ti and again, choosing this way to treat their own son. I once thought, regretting everything — If ti could go back, I wouldn’t want to be your child, because I live so tired, so very tired. I have put in so much effort to beco the child you desire most, and how many people have struggled like ? How many have truly considered things from my perspective? No one has been able to understand the pain I suffered. I made it today relying on my own strong heart, reaching this achievent without anyone’s help.
All these years, although you were not by my side, I received the best education because my grandfather gave his sincere love to , giving all the love ant for my parents. I grew up in an environnt filled with his love, not lacking in any care. I am just unwilling, unwilling that all other children have parental love while I do not. I’m unwilling that other children get their parents’ best affection without any effort, while I have given my everything and still can’t earn even a little bit of true love from my parents.
As a child, I truly am scared. I never anticipated one day becoming this fearful. The experience of losing and regaining nearly drove mad. I abandoned all my rationality so long as you could stay by my side. I could want nothing, care for nothing, but in the end, I found that even if I gave up everything, wanted nothing, it still wouldn’t bring your love. That kind of love is innate, but you do not have it for . Perhaps from the very beginning, you never saw as your child, yet I still feel happy because you brought into this world, letting see its vibrant scenery, and receiving all the care and love from my grandfather. That kind of love isn’t sothing everyone can experience, and how many nights did he go without sleep for ?
When I was hospitalized from illness and was nearing the point of eting Yama, my grandfather stayed up all night there, accompanying . But where were my parents, living freely and leisurely outside, gaining their freedom and yet abandoning their son? Who did I owe, what pressure did I put on you that led you to treat this way in this life?
I used to think that if I crossed great mountains and waters, I could find my parents. Gradually, I realized I couldn’t, because my mom and dad weren’t in the sa region as . They never thought of staying by my side, hence they were very far, far away, going to a place maybe I can never find in this lifeti. Only they know they are living the life they desire, laughing and enjoying each day there, while I, my grandfather, my family, my children, and my wife suffer here, living in unbearable pain.
When my wife changed on that day, I knew what I had lost for you. I lost the wife who loved the most. She sacrificed so much for , choosing to be with despite her parents’ opposition, and yet I let her down. Seeing her in that state, I truly don’t know how to explain to my parents-in-law.
You once only knew to bla her, but did you ever think that as parents you shouldn’t protect your own child? When you blad her, did you ever consider how her parents would feel knowing their child’s inner sadness? That is their precious daughter, their only child. They entrusted their only daughter to , and I caused her harm. Now she’s beco this kind, I’m ashad to face them. I have no way to keep going with the way I’ve let everything fall apart, and who has thought about how difficult my own life is? I sincerely wish everyone at ho could live happily, but in the end, I got nothing.
Perhaps I was too self-deceiving, causing everything to beco this way. But do you know, what they call love is a belief’s heart. At that ti, I couldn’t understand all these reactions, yet I dared not approach because I feared my wife would reject . But do you know? Just seeing my wife paralyzes all my nerves; I can only breathe secretly. I dare not cry out loud for fear of scaring her, afraid she would dodge , unwilling to be with . Many would find confidants in swirling smoke, but what I have is only my wife, my children, my happy family. Yet now this happy family is shattered, and I don’t know in what way to salvage it. I’ve thought about what would beco of this ho one day, about how my spouse and I would interact.
To think so many years have passed, my wife has beco my endeavor. She turned by love into this family’s effort, selflessly dedicating her whole life, yet I have never considered her feelings. How failed I’ve been in everything I’ve done, I have no right to say you aren’t competent parents, for I’m not even a competent husband. Here lies my greatest failure, having led my wife to this kind of state."
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