Looking back at all the things I’ve been through, everyone once hoped that I could let go of everything, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t forget the hurt I’ve experienced. I used to wonder what I could do to make my life perfect, to avoid feeling such unbearable pain.
But when I discovered that this is not the conclusion I wanted at all, I had already forgotten what path I should take in this life to avoid affecting those around .
Zhang Zhentian knows that so words are painful for his son.
However, under no circumstances should his own son be hurt because of his matters. He has never given love to his son; as a father, he has never fulfilled the responsibilities he should have. He has hurt him so much, abandoned him so much, how can he continue like this? If he continues to treat his son as he did before, how is he better than a beast?
"Yichen, I never intended to continue hurting you. I only hope you can let go of prejudices and not dwell in this pain. Do you think you are happy and content being like this? Every day, you are walking on thin ice, afraid that one day I will treat you as I did before. You don’t have the carefree happiness you once had. My presence only burdens you, causing you unbearable pain and ntal tornt. Do you know how bad it feels to close your eyes and only see others in your mind? I’m scared. I don’t want you to endure such pain because you’re my son. I can’t bear to see you take on pain you shouldn’t."
I’ve always believed that letting go leads to the most perfect conclusion, but can so things really be let go of? Deep inside, I pretend not to care while I actually do. People live like this, saying they don’t care but deeply minding in their hearts. Why do people have to be so hypocritical? Is it not better to live honestly?
I’ve never considered living honestly; hypocritical monts will co for everyone. No matter how sincere one was before, one day they’ll choose hypocrisy due to other reasons. Hypocrisy is a stage everyone must experience. No one can escape it, nor can anyone go a lifeti without experiencing it.
My life has been exhausting. All this exhaustion is self-inflicted. I can’t bla anyone else. Everything has turned out like this because of my own actions, so who can I bla?
Kid, do you know how tragic my life has been? I’ve never laughed happily. No matter what I do, I’m always under imnse pressure. No one cares about . Everyone thinks what they do is right, while everything I do is seen as wrong in their eyes. Do you understand how heavy public opinion weighs on ? No one considers my feelings. Everyone just heaps all the responsibility onto . Who knows how much my heart aches?
Perhaps in your eyes, you see as a Saint, but I’m not a Saint. I can’t be indifferent. You think many things don’t matter to , but who knows my inner struggles? Who knows how much my heart aches? You bla for everything. But what about ? Was I born to take the fall for you all?
No matter what I do, you’ll never feel even the slightest satisfaction towards . In your eyes, I am an eternal sinner. Everything I do, I do wrong. You never consider my feelings.
If you truly treated as family, you wouldn’t treat this way. Have you considered that this approach might not an much to you, but it’s heavy and harmful for ? Have you considered my feelings, my inner struggles, and pain? Ti and ti again, deep down, you only see what you think is right, but you forget that not all things are like that. You judge the right and wrong of everything with your eyes without grappling with whether things are true or false. You only use your eyes to evaluate things—are all things you see really true? You don’t notice the essence within. What you see is often deceitful. You don’t understand how painful it is for soone who’s been wronged, how conflicted they are, unable to voice their grievances, bearing all their desires and troubles alone. Do you know how much pain and harm this inflicts on them?"
Zhang Yichen had never realized the amount of pain and exhaustion his father harbored deep in his heart. He always believed his father lived a carefree and comfortable life outside, not knowing how much his family really cared about him. Seeing his father like this, he realized his father wasn’t living as smoothly as he imagined. His father was conflicted and pained, always putting on a brave face for others. But who truly understands how he survives?
What his dad said is true—he is not a Saint. He can’t be indifferent like everyone else. He can’t be heartless, unaffected by hurt. He wishes not to care, but so things cannot be ignored. Everything is constantly weighing on him. How much pain does his father feel inside? As a son, he hasn’t provided comfort, consistently pushing his father into despair. He lives so painfully and sorrowfully, never genuinely happy. Yet what have I done? I’ve turned my back on my father ti and ti again. How could I be so heartless to my father, my very own father?
"Dad, are you really the only one living exhausted? Am I not tired of living either? Again and again, I face my inner pain. All I want is for my family to be stable and to be with the one I love. But why does each ti end in such a conclusion? Who has ever considered my heartache? You’re worn out from living, and so am I. I have tired myself out for so many years. For over twenty years, I’ve never laughed from the bottom of my heart. I’ve watched my grandfather struggling and grieving again and again. There’s nothing I can do but watch from afar because he is my grandfather. I’m speechless. I’m powerless!"
Perhaps others believe solutions co from action, not words. But I can’t understand the path I once wanted for my life. I don’t know the path I want to take or how to steer everything back to the right direction. I have no idea what to do!
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