In this lifeti, people live in this world to ensure their lives aren’t so monotonous. No one wishes to live unchangingly, and no one can continue living like that forever.
Zhang Yichen now feels that his father’s experiences over the years outside truly represent a colorful life. These experiences he hasn’t had, he also wants to go out and roam a few tis, to live recklessly for himself across the horizon. But these years, in pursuit of his goals and to prove to the world that he is a good man, he has forgotten what he ultimately wants.
"Dad, do you know? When I hear you talk about your life experiences, deep inside, what I feel most is envy. I admire you even more, for you can whimsically live outside for so long, disregarding everything at ho to live freely just for your happiness, whereas I can’t. My whole life has been spent running around for the entire family’s sake, and I never knew what it’s like to live alone. I haven’t even tried to know how to live independently."
Maybe it’s because our experiences are different, so our attitudes towards everything differ. You’ve spent these years living happily, freely, and unrestrained outside, but , I’ve been undergoing devil-like training here. At that ti, I really hated you both. I’ve said these words no less than a hundred tis; I’ve declared to the world that I really hate you both. I don’t want to acknowledge you as my parents because you’ve never stayed with and accompanied . All you gave was hurt. As parents, you never fulfilled your responsibilities; instead, you hurt us again and again. Perhaps deep inside, you never thought I deserved to be your son.
And it’s because I’m afraid that deep inside you think I don’t deserve to be your son that I’ve given everything of myself. I’ve spent my youth, my ti, my childhood all on training because I want you to know that I’m truly your son. I deserve to be your son. But do you truly deserve to be my parents? Actually, deep inside, you know more clearly than anyone else that you aren’t the ones who fit that role best. There are too many more perfect parents in the world than you. Even impoverished parents can painstakingly stay by their child’s side, no matter how hard or tiring life is for them. But what about you?
You’re the ones who flinch at the slightest disturbance, unwilling to stay by your child’s side. You treat your child like grass, taking or discarding at will. Where does that leave as your son? What status have you placed in? From the start until now, I’ve never known how significant my place is in your hearts, because I don’t understand why you’d prefer to wander outside rather than stay by my side. Does staying with cause you so much suffering? Or, deep down, am I only ever ant to belong here?
Mom, Dad, there are so things I really don’t want to repeat over and over again, because each repetition only hurts my heart more. Every ti I think of the years you abandoned , every ti I recall the hardships of my lonely childhood and the mockery from others, my heart feels like it’s being cut with a knife.
But I have no way out. I just truly have no way out. It’s not easy to let go of everything that’s happened before like you used to. You can choose not to care about anything from the past, to treat all that happened as if it never did. But I can’t, because those were injuries inflicted by others, pain imposed on !
I truly wish ti could go back. More than anyone, I wish that if ti could just go back a little bit, I wouldn’t have to live so hard like I do now.
If only ti could roll back just a bit, I could live happily and joyfully. I definitely wouldn’t give up my childhood, allowing it to reside in painful mories. Whenever I think back to what I went through, the fragnts of my childhood, I can hardly believe—that was really a child’s childhood? Why is it that other children’s years are sunny while mine are dark and damp?
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