All my thoughts of you are about to turn to ashes, yet you still haven’t appeared by my side.
"Do you really think I don’t want to let go of all this pain?
It’s not that I don’t want to let go of those things; I truly have no way to release them. Ti and again, I forcibly suppress all the pain deep within . All I want is a peaceful and steady life, but my life is repeatedly thrown off rhythm. Can’t I bla anyone for that?
Should I really be willing to endure all this pain? I watch helplessly as everything changes before my eyes; I watch helplessly as those I care about are being stolen away. Do you know how painful that feels?
No one has ever considered what kind of heart-wrenching pain that feeling is. You always think your choices are right—but what about ? Am I condemned to be abandoned by you as parents over and over, to be hurt again and again?
You say you’re not a Saint—what about ? Am I the Saint then? We’re all exhausted in life, but I really don’t want to be so tired. Do you know how painful it is for soone who lives so tired?
I just want to sleep through it and never wake up; that kind of life might be what I desire. Every day hiding inside a coffin, where I can no longer fear the darkness because I’ve stepped thoroughly into that place—and never again will there be an opportunity to step out. Then everyone will be relieved. All you want is for to leave this world and leave you. In your eyes, only when I leave will you feel at ease, when you will be happy because you can’t give what I want, and I can’t give you what you want.
Because in your eyes, everything I do is wrong. No matter what I do, you simply do not see the good in . Because deep in your heart, I am always a bad child!
To gain your understanding and to prove to you that I am the strongest, I have co step by step to today. How much bitterness and fatigue I have endured, how much pain I feel—when I see everyone laughing and having fun, what am I doing? I am desperately pushing forward because I want to let everyone know, I am not the worst. I want to let my family know that your abandonnt of achieved this; today’s outco is because you abandoned , making numb, ruthless towards everything.
You’re my parents, how can you be so heartless to ? I am your child, ultimately what will I get? You end up being only repeated despair, repeated harm to —what good do you say you can get from it?"
"Child, Dad knows that you have been living tired these years, but who hasn’t been tired? Just like you said, everyone’s life is exhausting; not to be tired, unless already in a coffin. But now can’t you let these things go? Do you know? As long as you let go of everything, you will feel relieved—you won’t have to endure this pain anymore. Your inner tornt will be reduced—that’s the outco we all want. Why are you so persistent, clinging on to the past?
What good does it do you? Clearly miserable yet still holding on tightly—even knowing it repeatedly hurts you—you know we push you into the abyss ti and again, yet you still want us to co back to your side."
"Terrified, if I could let go, I would have done so long ago; why cling to the present? Ti and again, what result has this persistence brought —deep down, do I really not know? Do you really think I live happily and joyfully? My pain really isn’t any less than yours; I always suppress all despair within . All I want is a calm and stable life, yet ultimately, I get nothing—because I understand, even if I give everything, in your eyes it’s nothing. Only by relying on my efforts to wait until the end, only by proving to everyone over and over that I am indeed the strongest, can I have the qualification to let you see I’m the best. Only then will you not cruelly abandon . I just want my parents to stay by my side; is that wrong?
I truly have given so much. People like never cherish what they have, only realize how important soone is after losing them. But with hearts not here, no matter what I do, he won’t look at properly. He repeatedly retaliates against , repeatedly makes miserable—all for revenge for the harm I once caused him. She retaliated against , and he is pleased; he can laugh heartily. But what about ? I can only shed tears silently alone. I know n do not shed tears lightly; it’s just not to the point of heartbreak yet. Who knows how deep my pain is? I always suppress all my inner pain—all I want is to live happily, yet ultimately what do I get? I gain nothing, instead, I garner a body full of wounds!
Dad, can you understand how painful it is for ? Can you understand? I am your child, why do you treat this way? I really can’t understand the mindset you carried when you decided to abandon —even abandon everyone in our family. What exactly goes on inside your heart? Why do you treat us like this? In your heart, is each mber of our family still inferior to your so-called freedom and happiness? Have you been flying freely outside all these years? Not at all—instead, you lost your family. You personally destroyed everything. Now, when you co back, I still accept, because deep down, I really hope to receive my parents’ love. Yet after all my efforts, this is the result—I can’t remain indifferent. With what I’ve seen, I can’t simply ignore it all, with a blade hovering over my endurance. I’ve endured and endured, but ultimately still can’t tolerate it; I’m practically falling apart. I’m turning into a demon, I’m about to go mad. Step by step, I’ve pushed myself to today’s situation—because I’ve personally ruined every ending I desired.
All of this truly amounts to that unwarranted flooded state; ultimately, I can only bla myself for being too stupid, making myself into this. Who knows how much it hurts deep inside ? I really can’t let go!"
Where should I possibly go to find you? Is there still a place for in your heart? Have you already forgotten that I exist?
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