Zhang Zhentian knew very well in his heart that the pain he caused his son might be a mark on his heart that would never fade in this lifeti.
As a parent, whose heart would not understand that their child, unaware of those choices that had been made, would endure great suffering? In the end, all one can do is pretend it never happened, to choose to forget, so that maybe others can also treat it all as just a dream.
Why has my entire life inflicted such pain on my child? Is it really so hard to let him live happily under my wings? What I truly want isn’t this. What I want is simply for my family, my loved ones, to live joyfully and happily, yet why does every decision I make, every action I take, ultimately turn against what I imagined? Why can I never make my family truly happy?
Is it that everything I do is never quite right? Why can I never bring happiness to my loved ones, could it be because, in this life, I’ve never done a single truly good thing? I don’t want much, just for my family to be happy, to be joyful, yet why does everything I do end up turning into bubbles, disappearing into thin air?
Why do the ones I love keep leaving , could it really be because I made a mistake? Does a single mistake warrant a lifeti of hatred? Why can they never forgive , not even once? Perhaps it is exactly the repeated hurt I’ve inflicted that has complicated everything, making everyone unwilling to stay by my side, making everyone want to leave, to travel far away. Maybe it’s exactly because of my actions that everyone’s hearts end up so pained, so tornted, so unbearable.
If the heavens could truly grant another chance, I would never, ever do anything to make my family sad or hurt. Everything I’ve done has changed everyone so much, yet why have I never faced any retribution? If the heavens are willing, willing to forgive , then please send a thunderbolt to strike , let leave this world forever, never to open my eyes again. Opening them only brings pain, no joy, as pain clouds my sight, and envelops my entire heart with its spread.
When the pain within reaches every part of my body, only then do I truly understand what I really desire, but by then it’s already too late. I have lost the person who loved the most, lost my entire world, yet all I can do is silently shed tears, with nothing that can return everything to how it was, because all of this was caused by my own actions. I can’t bla anyone else; perhaps the heavens are truly fair. Because of my actions that hurt him, he truly left, never to return.
"Child, you may never understand a kind of pain, that of losing the person you love the most, and when that person has abandoned you forever due to your mistakes. You’ve never experienced that pain. Before I t your father, you know, I had a very wonderful boyfriend.
The ti I spent with him was the happiest, most blissful ti of my life. He gave a happiness that no one else could ever give. He gave all his love, and I stripped away each of his layers like an onion. Do you know how much it pained him inwardly?
I don’t know how to understand his inner pain; I only know he was truly in despair. He despairingly deleted all my contact information. Can you imagine how I spent those years, living each day as if it were a year, every mont thinking about him, wanting him back by my side, but in the end, there was no way.
He left, he truly left, never to co back to , and I deeply understand, I’ve lost him thoroughly. Because of my actions that hurt him, I repeatedly added him back, but he never responded, eventually changing all his contact information. At that mont, I was so despairing, finally understanding how deep his despair was, only then realizing how much damage I had caused him. I regret my actions, regret them so much. If I hadn’t been so headstrong, hadn’t suddenly lost my mind, how could I have done such heartless things to him? He loved so much, wished he could give the world. Until the end he said, he had in all his plans, but ultimately, what happened? Do you know what kind of pain that is? A pain that can never be forgotten in this lifeti, carved into the bones. You feel the pain we as parents caused you is etched into your bones, but do you know? The pain I caused him is an easily triggered pain in his heart. But when he erased all traces of being together, only then did I realize he was truly desperate, yet I also know, there’s no chance in my life to see him again in this vast world. Where could I even look for him? I didn’t know where he lived. Day by day, I’ve been living a blind, aimless life..."
Zhang Yichen was sowhat stunned listening to his mother tell these words. He never expected that his mother actually had such a deeply impactful love. It turns out his mother isn’t cold-hearted; she once knew she had hurt that person with her actions, knowing she can never be like before in this lifeti. Yet he still made decisions that repeatedly hurt his loved ones. In truth, she doesn’t have a bad heart; she just forgot how to respect others, how to love others, only knowing how to selfishly live for herself. Perhaps in this way, people’s hearts wouldn’t be reminded of past pains, but he forgot, the greatest human traits are respect and mutual trust and loyalty...
It’s alright; once the pain has passed, it’s over. There’s nothing that can’t be gotten through.
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