Since I can’t move you anymore, I can only choose to let go of myself, and your pride and your lies are my motivation to leave you.
Since I can no longer change all your decisions, at least I can still choose to give up.
But here, no matter what, I absolutely cannot let my own son be hurt by my own affairs. In my life, I’ve never given him any love, I’ve never fulfilled the responsibilities a father should have. I’ve hurt him so much, abandoned him so much, how can I continue like this? If I continue treating my son like I did in the past, how am I any different from a beast?
"Yichen, Dad never intended to keep hurting you. I just hope you can let go of prejudice and stop bottling up so much pain. Do you really feel happy and blissful living like this? You walk on thin ice every day, afraid I might treat you like I did in the past. You don’t have the freedom and joy you once had; my presence only becos a burden to you, making you suffer ti and again, tornted in spirit. Do you know the feeling of being haunted by the shadows of others whenever you close your eyes? Do you know how awful that feeling is? I’m scared, and I don’t want you to bear that pain because you’re my son; I can’t bear and don’t want you to endure pain that you shouldn’t have to bear!
I always believed that only by letting go can everything have the perfect ending. Can so things really be let go of? Acting indifferent deep down, yet inside I still can’t stop caring and minding. A person always lives like this, saying one thing and feeling another, claiming not to care while actually minding more than anyone else. Why do people have to be so false? Why not just live honestly?
My life has been so exhausting, and all this exhaustion was caused by myself. I can’t bla anyone else; everything turned out like this because of my own actions. Who else can I bla?
Child, do you know how bleak my life has been? I’ve never truly laughed joyfully. No matter what I do, I’m always pressured, and nobody cares about . Everyone thinks their actions are right, while everything I do is regarded as wrong. Do you know how heavy public opinion weighs on ? No one considered my feelings; everyone simply piled responsibility on . Who knows how much pain my heart endures?
Perhaps in your eyes, you see as a Saint, but I am really not a Saint. I can’t be indifferent as you all think; you believe many things a don’t care about, but who knows my inner suffering? Who knows how hurt I am inside? You bla all wrongs on , but what about ? Was I born to bear the burden for you?
No matter what I do, you never feel the slightest satisfaction with . In your eyes, I’m a perpetual sinner; I do everything wrong. You never considered my feelings.
If you truly see as family, truly see as one of yours, you wouldn’t treat this way. Have you thought of how this way might be nothing to you, but to , it’s so heavy, so devastating? Have you considered my inner feelings? How conflicted and pained my heart is? Ti and again, your minds focus only on what you think is right, but you forget that so things aren’t as they seem. You judge everything based solely on what your eyes see, not stopping to question if those things are true or false. You rely use your eyes to view things. Are everything you see really true? You don’t understand the essence of the heart; you only see deception. You don’t understand how conflicted and speechless a wronged person truly is. Their wishes and suffering can only be silently endured. Do you know how deep and crushing this pain is for soone?
Zhang Yichen did not expect his father’s heart to be filled with so much suffering and exhaustion. He always thought his father was carefree outside, living happily and comfortably, never considering how much his family cared about him. But now, seeing his father like this, he realizes that his father isn’t as comfortable as he imagined; his heart is also conflicted and pained. Ti and again, he shows everyone a forced smile, but truly, who knows how he managed to co through?
His dad was right; he isn’t a Saint. He can’t be indifferent to everything like others. He isn’t heartless, unable to feel hurt. He wants to not care, but so things genuinely can’t be ignored; everything is piled on him repeatedly. How painful is his father’s heart? What comfort has he ever given his father as a son? Again and again, he cast his father into hell. His father lives in such pain and sadness, never seeing happiness from him. But himself, what has he brought to his father? Ti and again, abandoning him; but he’s his biological father. How could he have been so hard-hearted to treat him like that?
"Dad, is it really only you who lives tiredly? Am I not living tiredly too? Again and again, I face all the pain within myself. All I want is for my family to live peacefully, and to be with the ones I love. But why do I always end up with such a conclusion? Who ever cared how much pain lies deep in my heart? You live tiredly; I live tiredly too. Those years weren’t less painful than yours. I’ve been tired for so many years; for over twenty years, I’ve struggled, never truly laughed. I’ve watched grandpa silently grieve again and again; unable to do anything, just looking on from afar because he’s my grandpa. I’ve no words to say, no way to act!"
It wasn’t until the breakup that I realized I didn’t love you as much as I thought.
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