I see the words refracted by ti, and when I turn around, I see you still waiting, quietly fulfilling all the promises made that year.
Actually, I understand very well now, that the reason my husband is able to ask this question is simply because he wants to achieve so sort of psychological balance. He can’t accept that the person he loves most has fallen for another man, while he remains eternally as a backup. His heart is in pain too, but so things can’t just be forgotten or changed. Everyone’s life is walked by themselves; the path one ultimately chooses will dictate the kind of ending they will face in this lifeti.
"To be honest, I don’t know how to explain it to you. When I’m with you, I don’t feel those sudden heartbeats, but when I’m with him, I do, because I love him. For him, I’m willing to sacrifice everything, just hoping I can see him every mont of my life. As long as I can see him every day, that’s happiness for . Maybe you don’t understand what kind of feeling this is, but I have no way to describe the nature of such heartbeats to you!"
"I understand now. In your heart, I’m just a puppet. Perhaps you’ve never loved from the beginning. Do you know how deeply I’ve loved you for your sake? I’ve fallen deeply into the river of your love, feeling unable to extricate myself for my whole life. All I wanted was a steady, happy life, and I’ve never considered what kind of ending I might face. But I thought I’d be satisfied as long as I could have you by my side!"
Maybe I was too foolish, too focused, right? You didn’t have in your heart, yet I made you my everything. Do you think I’m really foolish? If I had known this would be the ending, why did I do all this in my life? I really regret, truly regret giving all my love to you, and yet you ultimately chose to completely abandon !
If you had told these things before I fell in love with you, I wouldn’t have been sad, wouldn’t have been hurt. But why did you choose to tell these cruel truths after I had already fallen for you? Is this how you treat ? Do you not see the feelings I have for you? Why are you so ruthless to ? I am also a man, and I have my own dignity and pride. For you, I was willing to abandon everything, even forsaking my principles and pride, but why are you so cruel to ?"
When Xia Jing heard her husband say all these things to her, how could she not feel pain in her heart? So things he knew but chose not to speak of because he didn’t know how to explain them. Everyone has their own inner thoughts; to say everyone lives in an abyss of pain, no one finds it easy to live; everyone is suffering and enduring agony.
"Since you want to know whether I love you or him, then why not tell you, right? I must admit, I don’t have that intense feeling for you; thus, I don’t love you. In my heart, I only love her, willing to sacrifice anything for her because I believe one day she will return to . Even if eventually, I have to walk with my back to her, the sight of her back ans happiness and joy to . Maybe you think it’s silly, but know that this is my truest love for her, a love that no one can understand. The people I love in my life are very few, but if I love wholeheartedly, I will love deeply until the end, no matter what the final outco is, I will go through it all without regrets!"
"It seems I can’t compare to her. In your eyes, you always speak of her goodness, never considering any faults she might have towards you. You morize her goodness, tie it deep within your heart, a kind of love that can’t be expressed in words and no one can replace. I understand now; in your heart, you only love her. To you, I am just soone dispensable. If she can return to your side, you can abandon completely at any ti. Is that right?"
Xia Jing really doesn’t know what to say. If said, it will completely harm the last layer of relationship between them as husband and wife. But so things left unsaid will ultimately beco awkward and passive. Why is this choice landing on his head again? He just wants to live a peaceful life, is it so difficult? Ti and again, choices and decisions, and eventually, it shatters everything he built.
"I’m sorry, I truly don’t love you. I have no feelings for you. Deep down, I only love her, willing to sacrifice everything for her. Since I don’t have those feelings for you, how could I be with you?
Deep down, you understand too; so things can’t be forced. Love is love, lack thereof is lack thereof, even if forcibly kept by one’s side, happiness won’t follow, right? You know this and yet you still ask these difficult questions. Couldn’t you consider that too? I really don’t want to say anything more; all I want is for everyone to enjoy the remaining days, even if short, to see you smile happily is enough. By choosing to confess all this today, I’m proving that I have no more intentions to conceal it from you, even if the final outco isn’t what I wish to see, I will accept it gladly!
I can’t stand being tortured by longing ti after ti; such longing will drive mad. I’m nearly on the verge of breaking down, enduring the longing deep in my heart over and over. Lying in your embrace repeatedly, thinking about where she, whom I love most, is. I never thought I’d beco so passive. All I want is to live steadily, but why does it make it so difficult? Why does it make face so many problems without any ans of solving them!
This ti I let you down and hurt you, wishing in the next life I could still be your wife, then I’d definitely love you wholeheartedly, never treating you like this. This ti, it’s my fault, I hurt you..."
Everything in the dream is so innocent and flawless, while everything in reality is precisely the opposite of the dream.
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