Zhang Zhentian knew what his wife was thinking deep inside, but there were things he really couldn’t say. Everyone has their own dignity and face to uphold, and every action one takes is subject to influence and an equivalent price. No one is truly willing to bear it; one can only live through it over and over again. He was truly fatigued at heart. Was living really that painful? Why could he never find the life he wanted? Why must he live a life so filled with suffering that it’s beyond words? Although he knew what the end of his life would be like, in the end, he could still only be subrged by pain, forever living in agony, without any hope of a brighter day.
Xia Jing sensed the feelings in Zhang Zhentian’s heart. He knew that what he did as a son-in-law might not be appropriate to say outright, as it could really hurt the harmony of his family. He apologized to his father-in-law.
"Zhentian, I’m sorry. I know that when you hear these words from , your son-in-law, your heart must be in agony. But I really can no longer hide my feelings. I just want to live with the person I love the most. If my beloved boyfriend could return to my side, I would abandon everything. I’d be willing to give up even my life. Given the chance, I’d rather stand in the middle of the road and let all the cars run over , shattering to pieces, just to see my beloved man for the last ti in the hospital. To , that would be the happiest thing. To be able to see him looking at one more ti would be enough for . Life can be too rough at tis. Why does my life have to go through so many bumps and scrapes? Is it not okay for to be happy and joyful for once? Ti and again, life ultimately pushes into a deep abyss of pain, and yet my actions have ruined all of my happiness.
My source of happiness, I have personally laid to rest. I don’t know how many wrongs I’ve done in this life, nor how many people I’ve wronged. But I know that this ti I’ve really fallen for soone—when you’ve truly fallen for soone, don’t expect to win. I understood that the mont I knew I had given him my heart, I knew I had no chance to win in this lifeti. Because my heart had been given to him, wherever he went, my heart would follow—even to the ends of the earth.
In this life, I don’t even know how tragic I’ve lived. The person I want never stays with ; the career I want to achieve is never smooth-sailing. I just want to know why in the sa country, in the sa year, I have to endure so much, so many setbacks. The person I want has left , the career I hoped for has crumbled, and the happy life I wished for has eluded ti and again in countless dark nights. I cry out for help, for my bright future to co save , but my bright future can only co from her—my first love.
"Fine then, it’s no use whatever I say. I don’t want to ddle in you and my son’s affairs any longer. Do as you please, but I hope you both can show rcy in the end and not do anything that would cause each other even more heartbreak. Wouldn’t it be better if past matters could just stay in the past? Must you bring them up ti and again, making everyone relive the pain?"
"I’ve thought about it, but for his sake, I would disregard my own safety. Even if I get drunk and end up in the hospital, I don’t mind. The mont I realized I was in too deep to pull myself out of it, I didn’t know how else to make my presence felt. I could only choose to hurt her. But I never expected that by hurting her, I would ultimately hurt myself even more bitterly. When could a thousand years’ wait bring about his return to ? I don’t know. I call his number over and over only to find I’ve been blocked. Who can understand my despair, my pain, when I see him delete all of my ssages, all of my information? Who can know the desperation in my heart at that ti? I keep telling myself not to make the sa mistakes, to just be happy with him. Why should everyone suffer because of ? But in the end, I disappointed him, and ultimately, I lost him. Rembering all the days and nights we spent together, the monts we shared, how much pain must be in my heart? Looking at the night scenery, it’s bright and colorful to everyone else, but to , it’s sadness—it’s bleak, it has lost its luster. I can see no glimr of light, I’m groping in the dark, and I just know how much pain I’m in. It has beco a dark place, an eternal darkness in my heart, and there’s no way to find light again, unless he cos back to !"
Maybe you’ll never be able to fathom my pain. But I really want to tell you—I love him. I love him so much that I’d sacrifice everything. I would give up my life for him; I would abandon everything I hold dear. But in the end, I still couldn’t keep him by my side. How helpless must I be to not be able to hold onto the person I love the most? What could I possibly do to win him back?
Having made mistakes, no matter how the heavens treat , I must accept every punishnt because I have no choice in the matter.
I won’t ntion these things anymore. I will think about how to live happily, but I can’t make myself happy. Every ti I close my eyes, all I see is us holding hands. For so many years, I’ve never forgotten the happy tis we’ve had together. The happiness I shared with him was the most blissful mont of my life. Maybe that ti is gone, but my heart will always love him, no matter where he is, whether he marries and has children or not. I will love him for a lifeti, and never forget. This love is deeply rooted, a love that cos from within and cannot be erased by anything. Maybe ti will tell, but ti is also a liar!"
I’ve made myself suffer. Never trust ti; all it gives you is pain. What good does it do if it can’t heal the wounds in your heart? Ti and again I deceive myself, just to ensure a life free from want. But in the end, I’ve turned everything into sothing else—a consequence of my own behavior. Bla no one else; I’ve truly lived a life that’s unspeakably wretched."
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