Do you find it funny? Why do I live my life this way? Why did I choose to tell you this way that I have once and again reached the edge of love and pain, that I made myself different from others ti and ti again, but in the end, what did I gain? I endured all the deep-seated pain within my heart, all I wanted was to be different from others, but in the end? I still endured all the agony!
I once thought, should I also experience a life like yours, where you abandon everything for freedom by any ans? I pondered repeatedly, if such a life could bring any kind of ending, I couldn’t even imagine it. If I really chose to do that, what would be my ending now? You never even thought about it.
As parents, you never considered what kind of ending I might have. When I faced mockery and ridicule from others since childhood, I was already destined to have no happiness in this lifeti. I changed everything about myself and my innermost thoughts again and again, because I knew that no matter what, I couldn’t let anyone look down on . I just had to sigh at the wonderful outside world, feeling the helplessness inside.
Have you ever thought, as parents, that what I’ve done is really sorrowful? I did all these things just to prove to you how strong and brave I once was, but in the end, I realized no matter what I did, there was no way to change the position I held deep within your hearts. That position is sothing that can’t be changed in a lifeti, no matter how many tis I tried, it only resulted in hurt. Even if I gave everything, so what? Because deep down, you never believed I was a good kid. But do you know? I once wanted to be a good child, I thought about not resenting anyone, but I really couldn’t help it. The pain you caused lingers for a lifeti, I just wanted to live a happy and joyful life, but in the end, I got nothing. This is all self-inflicted. I should bla no one else, but I am not a Saint, I can’t remain indifferent to everything. I just hope you can reflect, why did I do all this, what should you truly gain from doing this? Because, what conclusion have you given again and again? What must I do to show you that I am your child? The way you act only brings profound harm and blow. Haven’t you ever regretted what you’ve done? What has all of this you’ve done brought upon ? What has it brought upon every mber of the family—repeated hurt, repeated excruciating mories? There is simply no way to pretend it all never happened. You might think none of this matters, but I can’t feel the sa. Deep down, maybe this isn’t important to you, but I think it is extrely important. Because I have a grandfather, I have my things to do, I need to prove to everyone that I am the strongest person, I need to make everyone look up to , I must stand on the peak of life, even if the fall is disastrous, I must stand up there. Only then can I declare to the world that at least Cheng Gong. Even if behind my success I gave everything—so what? At least I stood up there by my own efforts, relying on no one.
I have to admit, I am extrely envious of those children who have parents accompanying them. When they go out to strive for a career, their parents can silently support them from behind. But I have nothing, except for my grandfather’s care. Apart from my grandfather repeatedly sacrificing everything for , I truly have nothing. Because my parents are nowhere to be found, I have never received even a bit of care from them. They never thought about staying by my side, and that’s what’s most painful for . Perhaps only a joyous life can make everything different. But what kind of result have my actions ultimately brought ? No one knows what I have gone through in this life. I forced myself to beco stronger again and again, only this way can those who look down on , see anew, let them know that the consequence of looking down on is being crushed under my foot again and again, eternally subservient to , unable to ever surpass . Do you know what that feeling is like? That’s the pleasure of revenge on society, that feeling cannot be described with words.
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