A heart that is not true to itself can never be attained. So what does it matter if I abandon everything? What would I gain by doing so? They don’t care about the thoughts buried deep within —they only hurt again and again. Ti and ti again, I find myself forced into a corner, left with no options, crawling back to beg for forgiveness. This is not the life I want. I have never begged anyone for anything while humbling myself, because I know that begging can never give what I truly want. Begging leads to no resolution. I should make myself stronger, make sure I never bow to anyone easily.
That’s the life I truly desire. Thinking back to the fleeting monts I shared with my classmates while in school, I feel so happy and warm now. Back then, even when we had disagreents that led to argunts and fights, getting sent to the teacher’s office together for reprimands, even when the school issued notices of criticism—what of it? At least we were happy, carefree, and content. We lived the paths we wanted most to walk. Yet ultimately, every path we walked led us down dead ends. Ti and ti again, I forgot what kind of ending my inner soul truly desired. I no longer know what I ought to do, nor what kind of ending I want. I’ve forgotten—forgotten the things I’ve wanted most in life.
I’m afraid—afraid that one day I will wake up as nothing but a hollow shell, a soulless creature. How I wish that day would not co, but none of this is truly what I want. I have never attained any of it. Back then, my mind was fractured, more or less. Waiting for the light to turn green at the roadside, at night I’d dishevel my hair without care, slip on my favorite pants and head into the village, streaks of golden light passing through. I’d walk like I was walking a dog, like a prisoner with the clinking of shackles in my bedroom. I watched everyone walk past like fools.
Back then, I believed I was the smartest person alive. Every decision I made was invisible to others—no one could see through . But who could know the tornt and sorrow deep within my heart? Ti and ti again, I thought of how I could live a happy and carefree life, yet I never knew where to begin to make everything different. I often felt overshadowed by my classmates’ influence. That was when I wondered if I’d chosen the wrong path, if I should walk the road ant for instead of blindly following impulses from deep within my heart. But what ending would that bring? No one could predict. And now, I have beco who I am today. Perhaps none of this is the outco I truly desired—but does it matter? There’s no way to change it.
The things I long for are always out of reach, while the things I dread are imposed upon again and again. It makes my heart ache—all of this pain. I wish none of it would happen the way it does. I wish everything wouldn’t beco so unbearably sad and painful. Yet over and over, it crushes into despair, leaving with no escape.
As I reminisce about the countless fragnts and monts of my life, I find it nearly impossible to comprehend how I survived those agonizing years. Ti and ti again, I relied solely on my unyielding will, step by step, to beco who I am today. Every bit of it ca from my own effort. I never really understood what I ought to have done. Every mistake I ever made remains sothing my inner soul never wished to accept. Still, there was no other way—I knew that only through my own strength, through relentless effort, could I beco who I am without ever bowing easily to others. I would make sure that no one could easily look down on .
Dad, Mom, deep down, you both think so little of as a son, don’t you? My actions have left you cold. In your hearts, you’ve never truly respected , not even once. In your world, your son is useless, worthless. You can’t fathom the things I’ve done, and yet do you realize the harm, the pain your actions have brought ? I am afraid, yes—I’ve thought many tis of leading a happy and carefree life, but I couldn’t. I can’t forget the ridicule and mockery I once endured. Even if soday I achieve what I’ve always wanted, reach the pinnacle of my life, it will all be proportional to my own effort. I’ve relied on no one—because there’s no one to rely on. My parents have never given help. How could I expect help when they couldn’t even offer the most basic companionship?
Shutting myself inside my room, I think back to all the monts I’ve lived through. There have been so many. And I realize just how exhausting my life has been. Even now, I can’t understand how I made it through in the first place. Step by painful step, I made it out from beneath the shadow of depression. I fear betrayal from everyone in this world. I fear people hurting . I fear being forced into a life that is alien to .
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