Two Hundred And Fifty-Four / Side Seventy-Eight – Shirohi, The White Princess
So, this is death, right? It’s… not as painful as I feared. Dying really sucks though. Her thoughts were starting to slip away from her, sinking into the dark mud of unconsciousness. Well shit. I suppose I did all right, for being born unlucky. To think, all those years of suffering, tests and consultations, my parents gradually growing colder and colder towards , resenting the money it cost to keep alive… and it turns out I’m a magical girl, born into a world without any damn magic. It’s enough to make anyone laugh, right? It was hard to concentrate, and the distracting noises from outside were echoing in her head, unpleasant and making her chest ache. How does my chest even hurt? I’m dying or dead… but… please, Aki, stop crying. This is for the best. I… well, sure, I wanted to live. Tan showed I could be special like I wanted. But… you have so much more to live for.
Are you sure? Is that really true?
Tan? Is that… is that you? Sorry I guess… I ruined all your plans. But… leave it to Aki. He’ll take care of it. She laughed internally, bitter yet still a little happy. Aki, taking care of it. Never thought I’d say that, but… he’s changed. Hey, Tan, do you think it’s because he got powers too, or…
No. He is like you. Thirsty, deep inside. But his thirst is for the happiness of others.
So, you are saying I’m selfish, right? Way to make feel bad when I’m already dying. That’s cold, Tan. I thought you liked . But I get it. I dread of being a princess, loved and adored, the world shining, a bright future ahead of . But like all dreams, we have to wake up don’t… if she could scream, she suddenly would have, as knifing pain tore through her, multiple points of agony flaring. Shit, co on, death! If I’m going to die just let die painlessly. I had enough suffering when I was alive!
That fool of a man, he… is…
Tan, Tan? Are you still there? Am I alone? Ugh, she’s gone… quiet. More pain, as if sothing was being cut from her, her dim consciousness fading more. Still, I guess… the last few years weren’t so bad. Friends. For . Hayato, the group leader, who welcod warmly, made feel included. Shy Hina, who struggled to fit in with such an outgoing otaku group, despite her secret love of manga and gaming. Shugo, a bit introverted and with a thing for cheery, girl-next-door types… why the hell am I thinking about that now? Ugh, stop with the pain. And please stop crying Aki. It makes regret this, and I shouldn’t… Now the stabbing pains had changed, and it was as if fire was flowing into her, burning through her body in unusual ways. To distract herself from the pain, continuing to wait for her inevitable death, she continued to reminisce, the happy mories easing her regrets. Aimi. Damn, she’s got a body on her. Totally unlike the usual image of a gar girl. Wait, I’m even hotter and I’m a gar girl, right? Well, she was funny, flirty, charming… to be honest, I modelled a lot of my own personality on her. After all, it isn’t like I had any girl friends growing up. Any friends at all… Yasu, poor foolish Yasu. Still, being the butt of all the jokes is an important role, and if push ca to shove, he’d always be there. Yasu, if there’s an afterlife and I et a god, I’ll ask them to send you a girlfriend… well, maybe I could have asked Tan? No, then what if she sent to him? Ugh, sickening…
Inside her mind she managed a rusty chuckle, but it was tinged with sha. Tan? Are you there? I can’t believe you danced with my body in such a shaful state in front of Aki. I was so embarrassed I could just have died… oh wait, I guess I did.
Shiro…
Yes, Tan? I’m listening…
I do care for you. Believe .
I know, I do. Though I have to wonder… did you brainwash , like you tried to do to Aki? If so… was anything real?
I do not brainwash anyone. I allure. Only those with no desires at all, such as the Buddha, or single-minded desires too great to stoke can resist . And him. Tan sounded stressed and pained, her voice echoing in her darkening mind. I simply free the desires you hold within. It works better on n, of course. But even so… your desires were pure and beautiful. I simply fuelled them. I cannot make anyone do what they do not wish to, only that which they secretly desire, well-hidden and buried deep within…
I see. Aki did keep saying I was stupid. Ugh, if I wasn’t dying I’d give him a piece of my mind. It all seed perfectly logical to at the ti. But then I guess I had a lot pent up inside for you to unleash, huh?
There was silence, only more pain flowing through her as Tan didn’t answer. Oh. I’m all alone again. just like before. Still, today… I wasn’t, was I? I can still feel it. Odd. It’s all I can feel, that and pain. The delicate petals on the ring were cool against her burning fingers, fingers she shouldn’t even be able to feel. Shit, I got engaged. I wonder what my worthless parents would say? Always complaining I was a bad daughter, saying I’d never give them grandkids or even get married. Well fuck you, guess who got engaged? Oh… but I guess I’m still not getting married, am I? Shit. Aki… I never ant to break my promise to you. But I’d rather die than you die. After all, Eri, Shaeula, the other girls you ntioned… they’d be heartbroken if you were gone, right? Tan, why couldn’t you listen to ? We could have worked sothing out…
My thirst for him was too great. You do not understand. The seeds from a World Tree Fruit… so precious. Every Pantheon has so closely guarded treasures… to think soone must have carried them down here… If I could consu them, I would surely be able to triumph here. And the blessing from Tyr, pristine and unused… well, can you bla a starving being for wishing to eat the al in front of them?
You know what, I think I can! That’s no al, that’s Aki! Shit, this was the best day of my life! I thought it was going to suck and make things real awkward with him from now on, so I started the day feeling just awful, and then it was one happy surprise after another. And I realised… I could totally love Aki, and see myself with him. Shit. At least I’m not a total loser, got a kiss before I died. Oh, and flashed him my tits. Thanks for embarrassing there Tan…
Search your thoughts, your heart. You wanted to be special, a princess. Soone who mattered. You offer him your love, all of it, and in return he gives you… what, rely a seventh of his? Does that not ache your heart, leave you thirsty for more?
Oh, alluring again huh? Well yes, you think I’m happy about it? Obviously not. But you think Eri loves sharing? I bet she doesn’t. Life… life isn’t perfect is it? I know that better than anyone, poor, helpless little Shirohi, a burden on everyone. He told he loves and… can’t you hear him wailing, crying out, Tan? Have a heart. Shit, this isn’t what I wanted at all…
But it is not fair, is it? He would cast you aside, force your death, by not giving up Shaeula. He must have known her but a fraction of the ti he has spent with you, the ti he professed mattered to him. If he loves you, surely he would choose you over her. Now… now you are dying. For him. Is he worthy of your sacrifice?
You know sothing, that’s a really nasty way to put it, Tan. I’m disappointed… oh shit, why does this hurt so much? Death should be calm and empty, right? Crap, well… anyway I think maybe before, I would have felt pretty bad about that, yeah. But… The ring was cold to her fading touch. Shit, Tan. Aki… you can’t tell he doesn’t love . And… just say he had agreed to betray Shaeula, abandon his childhood friend, toss aside the others, love only … well, is that really even Aki at all? Aki is Aki precisely because he’s an idiot, a siscon, too stupid to know when a girl is clearly crushing on him. I an, co on! He used to talk about his sister and Eri all the ti when drunk, anyone with ears could tell Eri was into him! And to be honest, maybe I was a little too, though I didn’t even know it myself, disguising it with playful bullying and banter. Damn, I’m such a kid.
Search your feelings, my white princess. You must have such rage, such anger at him. He promised to make you happy, carry your burdens, instead you die for him, and he cannot…
Shup up, shut up, shut up! Shit, I hope I was red-haired then, that would have been apt. Look, Tan… how is any of this Aki’s fault? We made the deal, didn’t we? Sure, you may have had good reasons, but how can I fault Aki for that?
Because he…
Why are you trying so hard to make turn on him? I don’t get it. When I die, you’ll be banished, right? Better run on ho fast, because Aki sounded mad pissed at you. Best hope he doesn’t find you! Co on, listen to how he’s hurting, how angry he is with you, and try and tell he doesn’t love ! Damn, I get it… she would have smiled, full of mirth, if she could control her body …if he just wanted for my looks, or because he felt sorry for , or anything stupid like that, like I’ve always feared… why would he be going so far for now? Why would he weep for and rage? Aki has lots of cute girls who like him, he doesn’t need . So… it must be love. Shit, I saw it too late. Now I feel bad…
… are you satisfied then? In the end? Can you pass on with no regrets?
Shit, no I’m not satisfied! I don’t… I don’t regret accepting you, Tan. It might have been wrong, selfish, maybe even evil, but… it was obviously what I wanted, what I needed, deep down. Else you wouldn’t have been able to allure into it, right?
… … …
Well, who knows, without these events, maybe things would have been different. It seems like Aki was going to make his move regardless, but maybe I’d have turned him down, that seems like sothing I could have done. But I didn’t. I hardened my heart to reject him, and he slid in like a wolf, devouring . Hah, is that why you are so pissed, Tan? Aki was the one who had a good al. I guess… I’m sorry he couldn’t eat all of ! He really missed out. But today… for a few hours, it was everything I ever wanted. So I’ll have to be satisfied with that.
No, you are not satisfied. I know, I can feel your thirst. Give soone a drop of water in the desert and they are happy, relieved, exultant. But then… the craving for more of that sweet water consus them. I know you lie to , to yourself…
Of course I’m lying to myself. The pain in her heart was more agonising than the fiery sawing tortures that were savaging her body. How else can… can I handle this? I’m not scared of death, I told myself. It’s been my constant companion for as long as I can rember. I could faint and crack my skull, catch a bad cold and die from infection. My heart could just simply stop beating. So I had made my peace with that. But now… I find myself wanting to see what the future holds. Spend more ti with Aki, hold hands, kiss. Maybe do sothing more. Finish my ga, fight together, get married. et his sister, the other girls. Spend more ti with Hayato, Aimi and the gang. Tell them I’m happy to be in love. I don’t get any of that now. Of course I fucking want more, Tan! How could I not? But we don’t always…
… fine. Be silent. Princess who is no longer white. A pale ghost with a thirst waiting to be quenched. Save your strength, and hope…
Hope… hope for what?
That the man you say you love has enough strength to overturn death itself, and the will, the thirst for you, to drive through impossibility…
********
“Shit!” I wailed, furious, my Eye blazing. “What the fuck do I do? How can I fix this? Kin Restoration and Bonding? No, she’s not bonded to yet. Fuck… if my sister can be, why isn’t Shiro? No, look, calm down.” I told myself, Resilience slowly eroding the panic, bringing back to an equilibrium, my rapid breathing slowing, heart calming, though tears still sprang from my eyes endlessly, obscuring my vision. Angrily, I dashed them away, my Eye examining every inch of the still Shiro.
“Well, yes, I’ll marry you Aki. Why else did I suffer this? Shit, it’s only an arm and an eye, I can still make my ga so long as I can type and see. Ugh… but what do we tell the others? They are going to be heartbroken…”
Yes, that’s true. “That’s why I’ll never give up, not until you can truly smile from the heart again.” I knelt down and kissed her hand that wore my engagent ring. “Shiro. Let’s go ho. All right?”
She nodded. “Yes. Aki, Tan. Let’s go. I’ve had enough of this shitty place…”
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