The woman looked at her for a mont. Then at the pot. Then at her companions, who were exhibiting the rigid stillness of people trying very hard to be invisible.
"Spiced wine," the woman said. "Old Maret’s recipe. She’s been making it since before I started here."
"Thirty-two years," said one of the other won, apparently unable to help herself.
"Does it have a na?" Elara asked.
"We call it ’end of day,’" the grey-haired one said. "Because that’s when you have it. When everything’s done and there’s nothing left to do but sit."
Elara looked at the pot.
The grey-haired woman—after a mont that contained a full internal debate Elara could read in the line of her shoulders—reached for a spare clay cup. Filled it. Held it out.
The other two won had achieved a state of suspended animation, apparently uncertain whether they were witnessing sothing wonderful or catastrophic.
Elara crossed to the doorway. Took the cup.
Drank.
It was warm and spiced and tasted like cinnamon and sothing she didn’t have a na for—sothing dark and slightly bitter that balanced the sweetness into sothing more complicated than either alone.
"It’s good," she said.
"Yes," the grey-haired woman said. "It is."
A silence that was less uncomfortable than it had any right to be.
"How long have you worked in the palace?" Elara asked.
"Thirty-two years," the woman said. "Sa as Old Maret’s recipe." A pause. "I was younger than you when I started. Ca from the lower city. My mother did laundry for the Third Empress’s household."
"Do you have a na?" Elara asked.
The woman blinked. "Sera," she said. "Head of the lower linen operations."
"Sera," Elara repeated, filing it. "Thank you for the wine."
She handed back the cup and continued walking.
Behind her she heard one of the other won exhale in a very controlled way that suggested she’d been holding her breath for approximately two minutes, and then Sera saying sothing low and calm that Elara couldn’t quite make out.
The System was quiet beside her for a full corridor length before it said anything.
"You asked her na," it said.
"She told it," Elara said. "I should know it. She’s been here thirty-two years. That’s institutional knowledge I should have access to."
"You asked her na," the System said again, more softly. "You’ve never done that before. Not with palace staff."
Elara didn’t answer.
Kept walking.
***
’’Location:’’ Elara’s Private Chambers, Tenth Hour
***
She dismissed Mahir at the chamber door, changed out of the formal regent’s coat into the plain silk she slept in, and sat at the small table by the window with the intention of reviewing the external consultant’s preliminary cure research notes that Cullens had left for her that morning.
Opened the file.
Read the first paragraph three tis.
Set it down.
Her mind wouldn’t organize around it the way it normally did. The words were landing correctly, the aning registering, but the analytical process that usually kicked in automatically—the layering of implications, the cross-referencing, the building of conclusions—was running sluggishly. Like trying to operate precise machinery with hands that were slightly numb.
She was tired.
Not the tired she usually processed by continuing to work through it. A different kind. Heavier. The kind that had accumulated over weeks of poisoning and episodes and political crises and three days of intense physical demand that her body hadn’t fully recovered from.
The kind that required actual rest.
She put the file aside.
Looked at the window.
Outside, the palace grounds spread in darkness and distant torchlight, and beyond them the city—enormous and complex and full of thirty-seven thousand people who were all, at this hour, doing whatever people did at the end of their days. Going ho. Eating als. Having conversations she’d never have. Playing card gas in common rooms. Talking to their rosemary.
Loving people.
Being loved back.
The System materialized on the windowsill, sitting like a cat with its tail curled around its paws. Watching the sa window she was watching.
"The children who called you nas," it said eventually. "Do you think about them?"
"No," Elara said. "I catalogued them and moved on."
"Do you rember their faces?"
A pause. "The one with the braids," Elara said. "I rember her specifically."
"Why her?"
Elara considered. "Because she asked if I felt lonely like she was trying to help," she said. "Like she’d noticed the gap and was attempting to address it in the only way she knew how. And I told her I didn’t know."
"That’s not a wrong answer," the System said.
"She laughed," Elara said. "With the others. I think she wasn’t actually trying to help. I think she was trying to connect and not knowing how, and laughing was easier than sitting with the answer." A pause. "I didn’t understand that then. I think I understand it better now."
"What changed?"
"Evidence base," Elara said flatly. "I have more data now than I did at twelve."
The System made the sound that ant ’you’re using clinical language to describe sothing that isn’t clinical’ but had learned not to say so directly. "The knights," it said instead. "When you’re with them—even during the episodes, even when it’s purely functional—does anything land differently?"
Elara was quiet for a long mont.
"When Mahir stood outside my door for three days," she said finally, "and Demorti told —there was sothing. A quality of information that registered differently than normal information." She looked at her hands. "I don’t have good vocabulary for what it was. It wasn’t warm exactly. More like—weight. The information had weight that most information doesn’t carry."
"That’s sothing," the System said softly.
"It’s a data point," Elara said. "I don’t know what to do with it."
"You don’t have to do anything with it," the System said. "You can just let it be there."
She looked at the window.
"How do people learn to do this?" she said. "The sitting. The being. The—not filling every mont with function."
"They’re taught," the System said. "By other people usually. By parents who sit with them in the quiet. By friends who tolerate comfortable silence. By all the small accumulated experiences of just being around people who aren’t requiring anything of you." A pause. "Most people don’t have to learn it consciously because they absorb it through proximity. But it can be learned later. It just takes longer."
"I’m governing an empire," Elara said.
"Yes."
"I don’t have ti for a developntal rediation program in basic human experience."
"No," the System agreed. "But you sat in a garden for an hour with a cat and talked to a gardener and drank spiced wine with a linen worker nad Sera." It tilted its small head. "You did that tonight. Without planning it. Without strategic frawork. You just—did it."
Elara looked at the window.
"It wasn’t unpleasant," she said.
"No," the System said. "It wasn’t."
Another silence. Outside, a night bird called once and went quiet. The torches along the palace wall guttered in a brief wind.
"The girl with braids," Elara said. "If I’d told her the truth—that there was sothing missing, that I could see the gap but couldn’t cross it—I wonder what she would have done."
"She probably would have been kinder than you expected," the System said. "Most people are when they actually understand what they’re looking at."
"I didn’t know how to explain it then."
User Comments
0 comments from readers