Reincarnated in a depressing erotic world but living a normal life (right?) THE SCULPTOR OF ABSURDITY

Hello everyone!

"...."

Truly, I’m glad to see you all here again.

(THUD!!! — THUD!!! — THUD!!!)

Perhaps you're wondering what that dull noise accompanying my thoughts is.

(BAM!!! — CRACK!!!)

Well, let’s just say my forehead and the bark of this tree are having a rather close conversation in an attempt to process that, indeed, everything I see when I open my eyes is still there.

Are you asking if I'm desperate?

Well, don't worry! It’s not that I’m desperate, it’s just that sotis the skull needs a physical reminder that this isn't a dream.

"But, alright... that's enough. We don't want to leave an ugly mark on the tree... or on my face."

I stopped for a mont, feeling the slight throb in my forehead, and exhaled slowly.

"... Fuff."

It’s no use losing my composure when there are so many people —and things— depending on to stay calm.

"Mmmgh... ach...!"

And following up on what I said, feeling a small tremor in my lap, I looked down to see Flora, her nose twitching, on the verge of another sneeze.

"No, no... not again, little one."

So, once more, I calmly pulled out the handkerchief and, with precise movents, wiped her nose.

I am not going to let another cloud of pollen put to sleep in the middle of this scene!

"Mama~"

With that, Flora looked at with sparkling eyes as she settled onto my shoulder.

"OK, stay there please."

So, after advising her to hold on and with extre care, I pressed my palms into the dirt, feeling the dampness of the dew and the firmness of the ground beneath my fingers.

"Yes!"

.... Dammit, she’s adorable.

(Clack!)

But without letting myself be intimidated and holding back a sigh, I stood up little by little, stretching my back while my eyes scanned the scene once more!

"Alright... let's see where we start fixing this."

And so, to begin, I walked at a deliberate pace toward Silver...

(Clink! — Vrrr!)

Who sat there totally static, her helm slightly tilted toward the two statues that, at least aesthetically, looked like "goddesses," if we put aside their behavior and the fact that they were clearly made of marble.

(Mmmgh... vrrr-haaa... Krrr-ack!!)

But despite my approach, the statues kept at it, writhing with that sound of stone rubbing against stone on the ground, as if they were suffering an eternal existential cramp.

"Hey, Silver... can you explain to what’s going on here?"

So, understanding nothing, I drew closer, asking calmly with a tilt of my head!

(... Wait... Is that...!)

However, before she could emit a single beep in response, my eyes detected sothing unforgivable.

(Dirt!!)

On the polished surface of Silver's armor, right near the leg joints, there were slight mud stains.

"..."

Mud. Filth. On my impeccable Silver.

(I will not allow it.)

My brain simply went "click."

(Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh!)

Almost without being conscious of it, my hand was already in my pocket pulling out the ergency cleaning kit as I moved, leaving behind a trail of afterimages while my hands worked at a speed that defied friction.

(Frott-frott-frott!)

Silk cloth, polishing wax, a touch of precision in the grooves... and done.

("MOMMA!")

In less ti than it takes to blink, the mud had vanished, replaced by a shine that reflected the stars with an insulting clarity.

"Silver~!"

Imdiately followed, in a choreographed manner, Silver made an impulsive leap into my arms just as I was putting away the cloth!

"OOF!"

But don't underestimate , for without backing down (much), I caught her in mid-air, coordinating my movents to cushion the impact.

"Are you alright?!"

And imdiately after digging my feet into the ground, I proceeded to check Silver's condition just as a confirmation, while I wobbled backward so as not to end up flat on my back on the ground, until I finally managed to steady myself.

("I'm fine!")

And after verifying Silver's status, I settled her rigid body against my chest and, with one hand, began to rub her helm rhythmically.

"Good, good, good girl~"

... Ok... I'll admit it... The sound of tal being stroked by my fingers was strangely relaxing, like a creaky purr... What, you got a problem with that?!

(Krrr-ack... h-haaa...!)

Oh, right... Ahem, since the sound of the writhing stone was becoming harder and harder to ignore... it was ti to get to the bottom of the truth!

"... Returning to the question, Silver... Do you know what... Well... that is...?"

So I returned to the question, pointing a finger sowhat hesitantly at the two marble figures that were still in their peculiar state of agitation.

("I rescued them!")

In response, her body tensed as she proclaid her intent with a pride so palpable I could almost see the sparks of self-satisfaction flying from her joints.

Shouldn't you probe further with your questions?

What an excellent question, dear reader... But you see... It's a bit difficult to say this, however... Seeing Silver puff out her chest in such a way that her armor seed to gain a few centiters in volu, tilting her helm toward the sky with such childish bravado... I find it impossible not to find her charming! (this person is a lost cause)

"Wow, that's really impressive, Silver! You're a very brave girl."

... Stop looking at like that... I know... But what do you want to do?! (This person is a lost cause)

"Haaaa... Alright, I guess all that's left is to ask the... people... statues in question...?"

Indeed, in these cases, the most optimal way to get answers is to go directly to the source, no matter how mineral it might be!

(Clink! — Tap!)

So, adjusting my grip on Silver, holding her firmly in my arms like soone carrying a very heavy and shiny stuffed animal, I began to walk toward the statues.

"Ahem... excuse the interruption in your... uh... mont..."

And once at a prudent distance (it didn't take long), I cleared my throat and began to ask.

"Are you alright?"

At that mont, in response to my words...

(Sssshhhhhhh!)

Suddenly, the din of marble clashing against itself ca to a dead stop.

"Eh...?"

The silence that followed was so heavy that I felt the air turning solid.

"... What's happening?"

Both figures, their stone bodies still vibrating with a trace of residual energy, fixed their polished marble eyes directly on .

... I won't lie to you, I'm not sure how to proceed.

I an, I feel those mineral eyes scanning , evaluating every atom of my being, as if they were reading a book written in a language I didn't even know I spoke.

"Is this what insects feel under a microscope? Because it's not a sensation I’d recomnd in a tourist brochure." (Whisper)

Regardless, despite that, I kept my polite smile plastered on my face, even as I felt a drop of cold sweat running down my neck!

On the outside, I was the image of kindness; on the inside, my mind was frantically reviewing all my imdiate counterattack thods.

"...." (smile)

Behold... these are the fruits of my training... This is the art of wearing a mask!!

"Mmmgh... ach...!"

But just as the tension was about to break the baroter, I felt a familiar spasm on my shoulder.

(Not on my watch!)

Flora was about to launch another pollen grenade into the air.

(Fwup!)

Nevertheless, without breaking eye contact with the goddesses, but with the agility of a sleight-of-hand perforr, I pulled another handkerchief from my pocket and blew her nose with an expert movent.

(....)

(...)

However, that small dostic gesture seed to be the trigger for sothing, as both statues took a second to look at each other before nodding slightly to one another...

(KRA-AAAA-CK!! — THUD!!)

After which they made their move, standing up abruptly!

"¡¿?!"

Naturally, I jumped back on pure instinct, clutching Silver against my chest, as both statues rose in unison.

"What?!"

Imdiately, there were no sudden movents or attacks; instead, the two figures leaned forward, kneeling with perfect coordination and lowering their heads until they almost touched the forest floor.

"Uh... girls?"

... Correction: their foreheads were hitting the ground and, with an impressive posture that even amazed with its technique, they proceeded to hold a bow of such absolute and solemn submission that my heart skipped a beat.

"It truly is great potential..." (Whisper)

I stood there, blinking in confusion, as the weight of Silver in my arms reminded that, yes, this was actually happening.

"No, wait... This is not the ti for that! Could you please stand up? You're making feel like a tyrannical emperor, and I only ca here to see if you needed a glass of water... or oil... or whatever it is you drink... What am I even saying?!" (confusion)

The silence following their bow was so thick you could cut it with a high-end ceramic knife... And speaking of utensils, don't you feel like this situation slls like a three-star Michelin culinary disaster? (Escapism)

"Let's see, Mireya, let's analyze the ingredients of this strange stew I have in front of ..."

If reality were an avant-garde kitchen, right now we’d be facing a failed experint in molecular gastronomy. Imagine soone tried to cook a dish without reading the recipe, mixing textures that should never touch. Here we have two pieces of what looks like Carrara marble—a cold, rigid, inorganic ingredient—that, due to so error in the ambient temperature, have decided to behave like softened butter. (Escapism)

(Vrr-vrr-vrr!)

Do you notice that consistency? It's like trying to emulsify a stone with egg whites. The result is this strange mineral foam that writhes, creating lumps of sound that remind of the crunch of an overbaked rustic bread crust, but with the weight of a mountain. It’s a pure reduction of confusion. (Still in escapism)

Listen, the "chef" —whoever it is, because I certainly haven't turned on the burners— has managed to make the solid beco malleable, like caral that has crystallized poorly and is now emitting spasms of burnt sugar. It’s a slap to the palate of logic! It’s a dish that, visually, is a perfect sculpture, but when you taste it, it leaves that tallic aftertaste of "this is going to sit very badly in my stomach." (Escapism)

(Clink! — Clink!)

However, at that mont, a small tug on my sleeve intercepted my thoughts.

"Silver...?"

And looking down, Silver was shaking her tallic arm with a rhythmic insistence, interrupting my profound analysis of the "bouquet" of this marble marinated in the unknown. (pseudo-escapism)

(SLAP!)

But Silver didn't stop there, and with a slap, I regained my sanity!

"Auwch!"

Thanks to that, my thoughts snapped back as I felt like I had judged three seasons of an extre cooking reality show; when in reality, according to my backup watch, in the real world, barely five minutes of deathly silence had passed.

("Momma...")

And imdiately after, Silver stopped waving her arm, tilted her helm toward , and, with a simplicity that left frozen, uttered a single word that made react...

("Massage.")

At that mont, at those words, my mind finally clicked as my eyes widened in shock, watching Silver point at both statues.

"M-massage?"

Trying to confirm, I looked at both the statues and Silver... It's not possible... Could it be...?

"Are you telling that all this display, the bowing, and the earthquake noises were because... because they want to knead them?!"

The shock was so absolute that I felt my internal operating system crash.

(SHHHHH-KRRRRIIIII!!!)

Let's stop ti for a second. Just one second.

Look at the scene. We have a forest clearing bathed in the silvery, ethereal glow of twin moons, creating lighting so perfect it looks like a next-gen render. At the center of this natural stage, two female figures of a beauty that simply shouldn't exist are prostrated at my feet.

They are naked. They are sculpted with a mastery that defies human anatomy. And, to top it off, they have just raised their faces toward .

(VROOOOOOO-GZZZZZT!!)

Their gazes weren't aggressive, nor empty. They were pleading. A submission so deep and absolute that it felt like physical pressure in the air. They were like two high-end culinary dishes that, after being presented with all the pomp, beg you to taste them before they get cold... but in this case, the "dish" weighs half a ton and could crush if I move the wrong way.

"... Ugh... I-I..."

ENOUGH!! Don't look at with those abandoned puppy eyes!

(PLACK!!!)

And so... I resisted... Slapping my own face with all my willpower... I...

"OH, WHATEVER, I'LL DO IT!!!"

... Miserably, I gave in.