Reject Human. Become Demon. [Curse Mage Berserker] Chapter 84: The Talk 2: I’m Scared Edition

I woke up the next day, with Moonwash snuggled deep in my arms. She was already awake and staring right at my face. We were still wearing the clothes of last night, as we had just imdiately collapsed on the bed and cuddled each other to sleep.

I gulped.

“Moonwash, we need to talk,” I squeezed out through the haze of sleep before I could back out. My three hearts thundered in my chest. Mana leaked into my surroundings as even my extradinsional demon blood storage was full. The chaotic emotions crashed into like a raging river, but they dissipated upon acceptance into the greater ocean that was my full psyche.

“We always talk,” Moonwash responded and I deflated with a long and weary sigh.

“That’s not what I ant!” I bounced back with a shout.

“I know,” my girlfriend affected a smirk. “That was a joke.”

“Ugh. It’s so hard to tell with you!”

“I know,” she repeated blandly, “that’s part of the fun.”

“Right… okay. But we really need to talk.”

“We’re talking right now.”

“Moonwassshhhh!!!” I whined and got up, taking her with . “We really got so important things to talk about.”

“Okay. I’ll be serious.”

“Right. Thank you.” I cleared my throat. I hesitated for only a mont. “Are you sure about becoming my girlfriend?”

“Yes,” she answered imdiately. “I wouldn’t have agreed if I wasn’t.”

“...That makes sense. I was just worried that I might have escalated things way too fast. Maybe you needed more ti.”

“What?” Moonwash asked after a pause. “That doesn’t make any sense. You're the one who said you needed more ti, which is fine and good. But I never once asked for the sa. I never got the chance to ask you out again because I wasn’t sure when you’ll be ready.“

“...That’s all true.” I scratched my head. “It’s not like I planned anything! It was just such a magical mont when we were up there, flying…”

“I agree. It was a wonderful mont.”

“Right!?” I grinned happily at the mory. “And once that’s happened, well, I couldn’t really delay it any longer after that.”

I thought over my next words. I reconsidered once more if I even needed to have this conversation. Moonwash herself was content enough with how things were, and so was I. Was there really a need to go through all this awkwardness and cringe? What if we even end up breaking up a day after becoming lovers because of it!?

All my hearts hamred in my chest at the thought. The fear crawled through my blood, and it transford into a burning rage. It took all of the ntal fortitude that I’d painstakingly built up to accept those emotions in a way that did not translate into violent and abhorrent actions.

I blurted out everything in one incoherent ramble.

“If you count my past life then I’m a lot older than you are and I’m worried about that! You also first confessed to at a ti when we were in an isolated forest with literally no other options! I didn’t want you to be clinging onto in like… a really unhealthy way! I love you and I want to be with you but I also wanted to give you the ti and space to grow and think. Maybe you still need to discover more things about yourself, and maybe what you’ll discover is a future without in it. Don’t feel trapped, this relationship lasts so long as we both want it, but I will not hold it against you ever if you’ve changed your mind. That’s why I said we should just continue on like normal as the friends that we were all those years ago, but we clearly haven’t been doing that! Shit clearly changed between us, and things weren’t truly platonic anymore. And did I fuck up with that? Like, I always make things clear with people, especially those that I care about, but that was really confusing. I’m confused! Are you confused!?”

I exhaled deeply once I was done, and I felt a massive weight be lifted from my chest.

"Thank you, Haell," the words that finally ca out of Moonwash’s mouth were not what I expected. "Thank you for caring so much about . I feel loved."

I felt a warmth radiate through , and I basked in that feeling while she stared off into space. I knew that was her thinking so seriously about my incoherent rambles.

“Maybe the age thing is weird, I understand that intellectually,” she finally said. “It’s definitely weird because reincarnation is just sothing that doesn’t happen, except for the queen and you and other vanishingly rare exceptions, it seems. But I am 24 now, Haell. Maybe I’m still young, but I’m well into human adulthood in both this world and yours. I can make my own decisions. If it’s a mistake, then it’s a mistake for to make, but I don’t believe that it is. Maybe you had a point back then, when I first told you that I loved you. Maybe I was being impulsive, maybe that was a young and brash decision that would’ve backfired had you imdiately accepted. But many years have passed since, and I have had a very long ti to think about it.” She was already looking in the eye, but her gaze seed to… glint more aningfully. “I love you, Haell. I love you more than I did back then. That is the only thing that has changed. That is the only discovery that I’ve made.”

Those final words hit like a truck, and I was sure that my blush was strong enough to make my red face even redder. Moonwash rcilessly continued.

“You are also wrong about one thing. There were other options in that forest. I’m pretty sure that Elfrafim would be considered extrely attractive by most people.”

“Oh yeah. You’re right.” I nodded. I definitely agreed.

Moonwash made no pause, before addressing even more of my poorly worded word vomit. “I don’t believe I’m clinging to you in an unhealthy way, I love you and I want to be with you, so I do that. I don’t understand how I’m being unhealthy.”

“I didn’t say that you were!” I ended up shouting for so reason. “Sorry. Didn’t an to raise my voice there.” I was stable enough in my ntality now to not commit violence, but it seed that I could still get agitated. That was fine, but I shouldn’t scream at my lover. I never liked it whenever my Earth parents did explode and bicker, and I didn’t think either of them enjoyed it either. I did not wish to beco like them. I must beco like my current parents instead. Now they were cool.

“It’s fine,” Moonwash simply said. “What did you an, then?”

“It’s just a hypothetical. You might have been clinging to in that way, and the timing was suspect.”

“I see. Well, I’m not.”

“Okay.” It was the kind of thing that people often didn’t realize about themselves, but it was just a throwaway ramble. I had no fucking specific event in mind. I just wanted to be sure, because this relationship deserved nothing less.

“I don’t feel trapped and I like how we’ve been able to cuddle and be affectionate even before this,” Moonwash further continued. “I’ll admit it was maybe sort of confusing in light of you saying that we should just act like the confession didn’t happen, but I never thought much of it. It made happy. You’re the only one who's confused, and that’s fine. But I knew that I loved you already, and no one has ever co close to how amazing you are.”

I buried my face in my hands. Steam probably ca out of my ears. She had flustered again. This woman would be the death of !

It wouldn’t be the worst way to go.

“There is soone that more than cos close,” I said arrogantly. “You. You're amazing, Moonwash. More than anyone.”

Her expression did not change, but her face turned red as a tomato.

“Aha! Got you now! You’re embarrassed too! Take that!”

She tackled without warning, and then actually started tickling ! My higher level ant I could easily ignore it, but the sensation did remain, and I allowed it to dictate the way I thrashed about. Thankfully, Moonwash was actually higher level than , so I wasn’t about to hurt her accidentally.

“Okay, okay, stahp!” I got back up after rolling around the bed with my girlfriend for way too long. “I take it that ans you do like being my girlfriend then?”

“Yes, of course.” She stared at , then played with her expression until she managed to give the side eye. “I’m surprised you still don’t understand that after everything.”

“It was just a confirmation! To be sure!”

“Sure. It’s okay. I like my big dumb demon girlfriend.”

“AAAAAAaaaAaAAAAaAaAAA!!!” I changed subjects to sothing else we absolutely had to talk about after screaming. Codic shouting was fine. Just not the angry kind, directed at her. “Boundaries. We need to set boundaries.”

“You an like with the greater ambient magic?”

“Err… no. A different thing.”

“You discovered a new boundary?” Moonwash only grew more interested.

“Still no! I an for our relationship. Proper boundaries and all that.”

“Ah. Well, I’m fine as we are.”

“But what are we? Like, what kind of relationship do we have? Are we exclusive to each other? Is our relationship more open? Are we taking on entire villages as concubines? What’s going on?”

Moonwash was quiet for a few seconds. “I don’t know.”

“Well… I don’t know either. And that’s the problem! We should decide that right now.”

“Okay. Decide then.”

“Well, it can’t just be ! What do you want?”

Another long pause. “I have thought about it,” Moonwash said. “I think I can be fine with you sleeping around.”

“You can be? Moonwash, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I’m not bothered much by it. It’s normal for relationships to compromise isn’t it?”

“So you are compromising!”

“Well, aren’t you? You’ve seldom been in a relationship like this, haven’t you? I’m not sure because you don’t like to talk about your past life that much, especially personal details, but that was the sense that I got.”

“Well, you wouldn't be wrong. But what about what you want? You shouldn’t be disregarding that!”

“Neither should you, yet all you’ve been asking about is . What about what you want?”

I opened my mouth to continue arguing, then shut it tight again. Moonwash did have a point. The answer to her question would have been easier in my last life, but now it wasn’t so clear. I hadn’t ever been in a relationship since I beca an imp, or even before that, for obvious reasons.

“Look at us,” I laughed. “So concerned over the other that we end up fighting over it.”

“It is funny,” Moonwash agreed. “We’re already together. You’re my girlfriend. Now I only want you to be happy… but clearly you also only want the sa for .”

“Well, duh! And you should be doing the things that make you happy too!”

“I am. I ant that in regards to our relationship. Outside of it, I have my crafts and you have your murders.”

“Wait. Why does mine sound so much worse?”

“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Whew,” I wiped an errant sweat off my brow. “Glad to hear it.”

I laughed, and Moonwash snuggled up to as we just sat there on my bed.

“Okay. We should tell each other honestly what we feel and want for our boundaries.”

“Okay,” Moonwash agreed. “You go first.”

No, no. You go first, I almost said, but I acquiesced and shared my thoughts.

“Well, it’s true that before I was always in more open, if not polyamorous relationships… but most of the ti I just wasn’t in any. I did engage with people in romantic ways, but never for long. It’s all fleeting, you know. So the way I’ve co to love you, and the way that my feelings blaze ever harder, is already special. Maybe it’s just how I was. And maybe I’ve changed. I’m a demon. So I am down to try anything.”

“That doesn’t answer the question, unless if you really have no preference.”

I shrugged and then decided to just be honest. As I should be. “Sothing open, or polyamorous would be… familiar. And I do like sex, with many different people, I’ll admit. Also… this might be… the wrong thing to say, but I’m in a whole new world! Part of does want to get to know all the many other species, including sexually! Ah, but my drive for it isn’t as strong as I thought it’d be. I guess… shit, I don’t know if I should even be sharing this, but I think it’s important to admit. I do get attracted to other people, and part of the reason why I haven’t tried is because of what I ntioned before about how our status was left on complicated for so long, and I didn’t know if I could or should just hook up with soone. That and I don’t really have the option with most people anyway because I’m a demon and I have to hide. So it doesn’t actually matter what I want. It doesn’t fucking matter because the world has already chosen for !!” I took a deep breath, but it didn’t work. The vitriol remained as I continued amid tears. “I have to pretend to be a human. I cannot ever show my true self to most people, much less get naked in the sa bed, because they might decide to out and get fucking killed. The freedom that I thought I finally got has been taken from again!”

I panted. My breaths ca out as growls as I found a deep fury in my sorrow. Moonwash patted my back, and I almost snapped at her out of reflex. I was so happy that I didn’t, and that finally cald down a little.

“It’s okay, Haell,” Moonwash whispered. Her voice was bland but I could tell she was attempting to be kind and gentle, and it was the thought that mattered. “It’s okay. You’re right that it sucks. And we’ll kill them all soday. Okay?”

“Okay,” I sighed. I took a deep breath and sagged into her shoulders. “Sorry. I got off topic. Shit, what was I about to…”

“It’s not a problem, Haell. I get where you’re coming from now.”

“...Alright. But to be clear, it’s by no ans a deal breaker, whatever kind of relationship you’d prefer. Give a second, and I wanna hear about how you feel too.”

Moonwash gave the ti I needed to get my emotions back under control, and then she began. “I suppose I want a relationship like that of my moms, or perhaps your parents. Where they're committed to each other and only each other. But if I think about it, I don't feel extrely bothered about you casually having sex with other people. I don't feel that jealous about it, whereas if you were romantically involved with them, then I'd be more hurt, I think. So, I would prefer a romantically closed relationship, but I'm fine with us being more open sexually.

"You do realize that well, while it isn't the case for everyone, even I would feel so feelings if I fuck soone right? It's just, it's an intense and intimate affair and emotions would run high."

"Emotions would run high. I know that. But you seldom ever got into romantic relationships in your last life despite it, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, but... I'd still feel romantically attached? To an extent?"

She was quiet for a mont. "That does bother a bit more than I thought it would, but only a little bit. Not enough to change my decision. It's a compromise that I'm willing to make, just as you're also willing to compromise." Her gaze intensified further. "Your happiness matters too."

It was my turn to be quiet. I was loved and I just basked in the warmth for a mont. It sohow overshadowed the infernal burns that oozed through my veins.

"I... sorry," I finally mumbled. "I was rambling earlier since I didn't really know what to say, but I don't want you to think that whatever you choose, whatever your preference is, would make any less happy."

“That isn’t what you said earlier.”

I shook my head, and took Moonwash's hands into my own. I pressed my forehead against hers and bumped her skull with my horns a few tis until we got the position right. Our eyes stared unerringly at each other for a few seconds.

"Haell of a few minutes ago was an idiot that hadn't really thought things through. Words were just tumbling out of my mouth like an uncontrolled avalanche, and that’s not the best representation of how I really feel." I squeezed her hand tighter and began, "I would certainly enjoy and be happy with the relationship you described, where I am able to be sexually active outside of it. That would be fun. But I realize now that it would make just as happy to be in an exclusive relationship with you. It is not a shackle that I would chafe under, that commitnt itself will bring nothing but joy."

Moonwash took in my words, she squeezed my hand tighter in turn, and we continued to be lost in each other’s eyes.

"So do not worry, Moonwash. I would truly be happy either way. So go and tell what you want most of all."

"It's a changing thing," she responded, "Your words made really happy, and I think they’ve already made feel differently. I guess I’m an idiot too."

I chuckled. "People change all the ti. So too can relationships evolve.”

"But if we change in the wrong directions, then it might tear us apart."

"That's why we must talk and communicate. But even then, there is no such thing as perfect. The future is uncertain. The risk of heartbreak is just... part of relationships, I'm afraid."

"I see. So it can't be guaranteed. Not even if I'm willing to just go with whatever you wish?"

"That would just be unhealthy. You can't do that, Moonwash."

"Is that not the sa thing you're doing though?"

"No. I'm truly equally comfortable either way, as I had said. I only ntioned so of my preferences earlier because you asked really strongly, and well, stream of consciousness, you know?"

"I see," she took her ti to formulate what she was about to say next. "I want you to be mine and mine alone then, Haell. For now. Because I also want you to be free to explore this world in all the ways you desire. And I already feel much better and less jealous about it after what you said, sohow. I can't explain why. But I think I just need this ti, to feel reassured and be your only one. And then I'll probably change my mind at so point. We're going to live forever aren't we?"

"That's the plan." I hugged her tightly, burying her deeper into my chest. "You don't have to change your mind though, Moonwash. Just let it happen naturally. I'll make you feel loved and reassured anyway."