Rose Blumen ~ Exogignesthai 215. A cold weather, 3

(Rose)

I’m getting weaker with each passing day. Pushing further south slowly, against an incredibly awful weather.

I’m crossing five streams of mud a day at least. Maybe that’s how wrecks are scattered everywhere also around. The whole country is sinking and regularly flooded.

My lungs hurt as much as my stomach now. I’m definitely ill, and the non-stopping rain surely doesn’t help.

I’ve found so clothes in a bag drifting away. They don’t really fit , but they’re better than the damp rags I had left to cover , sowhat.

I’ve lost a few nails and scratched so of my skin off, fighting the bad weather’s effects on .

I’m feeling so cold all the ti I hardly sleep still.

The nightmares have returned for when I do. Because I still feel bad and guilty. Because I’m afraid. Because I’m losing tiny pieces of myself along the way.

I have seen better days through this journey. More fulfilling days. More happy days...

I’m reaching slowly a coastal city. From what I recall, Venezia isn’t around here at all, but from where I stand, it might very well be it. The city is flooded and strong rivers replace the streets. So buildings are eroded by the flow at their feet. There are pseudo-natural bridges and dams here and there, made of rubbles accumulated over flows and ti.

The delta building itself slowly around this city is quite a sight.

From atop the hill, I look at this odd modern version of Venezia. Buildings protruding from the water and still standing when they can. Or being part of the newly ford hills of wrecks and rubbles here and there.

I’m not really eager to try and cross over this city, as it looks like a death trap with the current flood and strong streams.

On the other hand, I need a place to rest, dry, and resupply.

So I need to take a look at so of the close buildings at the very least.

It was a rather big city before. I’ll visit it when the weather gets better, assuming I find quickly enough what I need to survive.

My digestive system has weakened lately, and I cannot eat wood or grass anymore. I am actually currently weaker than before Blu returned to . I guess that says how much Horanah exhausted Blu’s power carelessly.

And there was no point about it...

I reached the buildings at the outskirts of the city. Residential buildings on the heights of the eastern hills.

It’s still raining but at least there is no river flowing through these buildings, so I might be able to find so dry place.

The door is gone. The doors are gone, more accurately. None is left around in that building. It looks like it was buried under the sea for a while, still.

Everything is damp and mouldy. Weird stains grew everywhere. Algae if not fungi. The wooden doors are naught but mud in the corridor where my feet are sinking.

Even upstairs, I see nothing answering my needs. I just want a path of dry floor to rest on for a little while...

I don’t really feel the hunger anymore as I feel sick mostly.

I return under the bloated sky and run to the next building. I slip and fall into the mud, hurting myself. I stand up and reach the doorstep.

The door is closed. I smash it open with a piece of rubble lying nearby.

I get in. I can feel that the air is different here. I go into the first apartnt. It’s ruined. The next one I can’t open. In the third there’s a weird pile of mud on the floor, below rope with a hangman knot. I understand what that stain of mud is when I see the fragnt of clothes inside. Next.

In the room behind, it’s rather dry. The beds mattresses haven’t decomposed yet. There’s another of those lted corpse over the bed. A stain now, that seeped into the sheets and mattress. I turn it over on the bedfra, and then lie on it on this dusty but cleaner side. I sigh.

The ceiling has weird stains too I then notice. It’s as if blood vessels or roots were drawn on it.

I’m breathing deeply. I haven’t rested in too long. Feeling my head down makes dizzy.

I’ll rest here for a while, and just hope that I don’t have too many nightmares.

I fall asleep there in the middle of the afternoon, wondering about what do I want, and curses, and this malicious energy I can’t quite grasp... That power for the beings-like-her...

I’m closing my eye, my breath becoming more calm at last. I can sleep for a little while for real.

~

I think I saw Blu. It was pitch red, like inside my body. I think she’ll soon be able to return to .

I miss her and I’ve suffered being alone lately. So a part of is rather reassured knowing she’ll soon be back.

But a part of longs for a little longer ti of loneliness...

I feel like I’m trying to find myself, or to reconnect to sothing I forgot. That I need to be alone in order to figure out... sothing.

Have I perhaps forgotten sothing very important? I feel like I’m missing sothing, in a blind spot of my mory. It’s hard to say what, or why, but I have the feeling that I need to remain alone a little longer, for a chance to realise what that is.

What is it that I’m trying to see? Please, tell ...

The day ends while I’m dozing off, partially day dreaming, feeling anxious and uncertain.

Once I get better, I will probably feel less... Lost. Certainly.

I dreamt about this energy I can’t see, again. I must have fell asleep and awoke a few tis, again and again.

I cough and try to stand up. I feel like my head is spinning, dizzy and sick.

I step into the pulp on the ground. I sigh and move on.

A few minutes later, I’m burning almost all the furniture I could find in a great bonfire under the main hallway of the building. As it’s still raining outside and I’m cold. And annoyed.

I’m warming up slowly by the flas.

It’s full night outside. Will this fire attract unwanted attention?

I’m really feeling a little lost lately.

But a faint smile gleams with young wrinkles on my face, at the sight of this warm fire, in a surreal environnt. It makes think that it will not last. Nothing will last.

So of my roots are finally moving in my psyche. I will survive.

My will doesn’t fully depend from you, nor her. My will to survive and thrive gets stronger with proper motivation, like hocoming, but it exists nonetheless.

Being unable to live without one’s love is an overly romantic misconception, or faith.

What I desire and what I need to survive aren’t the sa.

The fire dries the building and my skin at last.

I desire... Her return. Your return, but the way I last saw you, which ans more having a new you than the return of the real you whom died of old age.

I want flowers. I want to sll roses, and lavender. Lavender... Doesn’t it grow near the diterranean sea?

I may find so around here then? Once sumr cos, I’ll look for those legendary purple fields.

I’m stretching my body a little. I’m so sore.

I cough again. I yell until my lungs are forced to spit so kind of mud. So sticky oil was staining the inside of my lungs, and still is. They hurt.

But so of my will’s fire is reignited, with the warmth of that one in front of . I don’t mind being alone right at that mont, because I feel the change, and warming up will of mine.

I can dream or daydream about what I desire. I will live on nonetheless. I know I’m all up and downs, always. I’ll seize that new growth.

And if I find a fantastical or faustian opportunity to change the course of my history through my insane wish, I will consider it.

Tomorrow anwhile, I will look for lavender.

~