I didn’t expect to wake up in my and Sey’s bed in Castle Astrye, but that familiar ceiling was what I saw when I opened my eyes.
We killed an angel.
I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest with my lower arms… and my tail with the upper two. Everything was there, and it all felt so… normal. I didn’t have any scars, and while I was far from recovered, I would consider myself more than halfway there.
Sunlight shone through in between the cracks of the curtains, and my intuition told it hadn’t even been a full day. I choked on a sob and focused at a point on the wall until the room closed in.
Whatever else I was, good or evil, defender or murderer, I was decidedly different from the humans I cared deeply for. Would my daughter even be able to live as she does now for another week? What about the week after?
Ever since I’d died, I wanted to be a part of human society. I wanted my holand back, I wanted a life that I felt I’d been denied. Now I’d given up my title, likely given up my chances to live as a citizen of Edath, and I’d also killed an angel. Never mind that he was a bastard who died to his own arrogance, he was an angel.
Angels were supposed to be arbiters of the gods’ will. That tenet extended outside the Church of Dhias, even I knew that.
I’d wondered why Lilly lived in the middle of the desert, and why Utraxia lived in the frozen south. There’s a fundantal problem with existing inside human society: we are powerful, and we are ageless.
Even if I wanted nothing more than to live in a cottage with Seyari, to let my daughter finish her last monts of adolescence, to go to the market on weekends and find hobbies to while away the years, two things would happen.
First and foremost, people would try to use my power for their own ans. Like this ss King Carvalon landed in. Right now, I had a stake in this due to my human connections. But in a few centuries?
Well, that’s problem number two. I wouldn’t. Utraxia and Lillith were strange in a lot of ways because of the sheer weight of centuries. I could live amongst elves, but that would only delay the inevitable.
Kartania was my sister, and I would topple a nation for her. Kartania’s kids, well, I would probably do the sa. But what of their children, and what of their children’s children? Would I beco so sort of ancient living ancestor guardian demon?
Not if I wanted to avoid problem number one.
Lillith and Utraxia solved this by isolating themselves completely (or nearly completely). I couldn’t ask Astrye to do the sa; it wouldn’t be fair at all. Nor could I or would I take over an entire kingdom to be so sort of eternal ruler.
The fact I even seriously considered it for a mont proved my point.
Ugh.
Agelessness and power kinda suck after a point.
I was still staring at the wall, trying to puzzle out how I could live alongside humans, and my thoughts had drifted all the way into the best kind of rock to build the cottage out of when Seyari walked into the room.
She swept into a hug wordlessly, though she paused in front of my face until I focused my eyes away from the spot on the wall and onto her.
“What are you thinking about?” She scooted next to on the bed and wrapped us with a wing. “I’d ask if you were alright, but I think I already know the answer.”
She made an adorable sound as I pulled her onto my lap with two arms. Despite a token attempt, she was stuck fast, and I rested my head in the crook of her neck just to feel her warmth. Sey pressed into my boobs like a pillow and traced a claw up and down my tail, waiting patiently until I found my words.
“What’s the best rock for… no, never mind. What… what do we do now, what’s the next step?”
“I want to start writing,” Seyari mused.
“Sey!”
She turned around and flicked my nose. “Our next steps are recovering and figuring out our next steps.”
For long, long mont, I stared at her. She t my eyes, eventually holding in a laugh that shook her wings.
“That’s… That’s my line, I think.”
This ti she leaned in for a quick peck on my lips. “My line now.”
I chased her lips back for just a mont, then broke away and burst out laughing despite myself.
“It feels wrong to laugh right now,” I muttered as I got the giggles under control.
Sey nuzzled into my chest. “Just go with it.”
“No encouraging words of wisdom?”
“That’d be your line, rember?” ca the muffled reply.
Now it was my turn to flick her; it wasn’t very effective. Despite so signals from my body, and I imagined hers, we didn’t take things further; the pain was still there, the mont too reverent.
Soon enough, my worries that had floated away all ca crashing back down, and I took a deep breath. “So, we’ve got a day, maybe less, until King Carvalon finds out. Yevon was there representing the Church, so he’ll know too.”
Seyari raised her head out of my chest and scooted off my lap to sit next to . “I don’t trust him.”
I wrapped my tail back around both of us; I needed skin contact still. “Well I trust him to have his own agenda over the Church majority. There’s definitely sothing going on there, but I think he’s made it pretty clear we can’t count on him to hold zealots back.”
“Nor should we.”
When I leaned over and ruffled her hair, Seyari scowled up at . “You could try a pout, you know,” I offered.
“Doesn’t work with my face.”
“Doesn’t work with my face either, but you don’t see that stopping .”
“Nothing stops you from being strange, love.”
“Aww, thanks.” I gave her a tail squeeze. “We need to tell Astrye, if you’ve not already.”
“I have already.”
I winced. “So…”
“They’re still deciding.”
“Think we should start moving out already?”
Sey laughed darkly. “They might want us to stay.”
“You know that’s not true.”
She patted my back. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Renna.”
“Sey, half the town is destroyed because of . I don’t know anyone in town who hasn’t lost soone, except for Verrka’s imdiate family, and I haven’t asked.”
“And the other half is alive because of you.”
“So I just hold that over their heads forever? I saved you, so now you’re my subjects for eternity, stuck fighting against a world that doesn’t want in it?”
“The whole world’s not against us, Renna. Just the Church of Dhias and that bastard duke.”
My shoulder sagged. “You’re right, but… I feel like I’m trapping them. Soon as word gets around, I won’t have my title anymore either.”
Sey grabbed my chin and pulled my head to face hers instead of the hands wringing in my lap. “Oh you will, Renna. Or do you an that worthless human title?”
“Sey…”
She stood up and pulled bodily with her. “I’m taking you downstairs and out of your head.”
A small smile curved my lips. “How are you so calm?”
“After what? After we killed the guy who fucked my mom and left her and was actively never a part of my life? Renna, he didn’t even rember which one of his bastards I was.”
“Sey…”
“No, don’t you ‘Sey’ .” With a roll of her eyes, she pulled close and whispered, “He’s not Mordwell. He had no power over . There were two people I’d ever consider my father. You’ve t both, and he was neither of them.”
“Mordwell?”
She nodded, eyes misting. “Yeah. Him.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. He can’t hurt now.” She wrapped us up in crimson-feathered wings.
I hugged her tighter, one pair of arms over her wings, the other around her waist. “Do you mind if I ask—”
“Captain Torrez.” Her smile lit up like the sun. “Briny bastard’s got a big heart.”
“He did ask about you when I visited… sort of.”
“He doesn’t like showing it.” Sey’s voice was small, and she punctuated the statent with sothing between a huff and a forced laugh. “Bet he just said my na and watched your face.”
I thought for a second then nodded. “I don’t rember, but he did say your na.”
“Good enough!” She drew her wings back and blinked the mist from her eyes. “I never did well under strict authority. Torrez knew that, but he still tried to put the ss I was back together. When this is all over, I’d like to find the Lady again, buy him a keg of ale or sothing.”
“We can do that. I need to visit Nelys anyway.”
“I bet you they’ll want to co back here.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Really. We had more than a few crewmbers who got hosick. Most of ‘em ca back to the ship pretty damn fast.” She slipped a little into her old accent, voice tones diverging. “Nostalgia’s always better than the real thing, and leavin’ the nest’s a must for wanderin’ souls.”
“Like Nelys?”
Sey grinned. “Darling, they were disguised as a human aboard a pirate ship just to get sowhere different, trying to learn two new languages.”
“Which they did!” I added.
“And you did,” Seyari replied. “Or did you notice we switched into Turquoiser.”
“I hadn’t actually,” I admitted.
She flicked on the horn. “My point exactly. And now that you’ve gotten all teary and misty-eyed, I’m going to stuff you full of food and roll you in front of the town council. Hope you like potatoes!”
***
Lucky for , I liked potatoes, and winter vegetables. Especially when they were seasoned. If she’d not already headed back across the pass, I’d hug Myrna for bringing the first part of Duchess Arina’s promised food. Did I need to eat? No, but I wanted to, and Sey was very convincing that I deserved it.
More than that, I was able to get just a taste of durian, the ones I’d brought. Outside, in the cold and surrounded by wind magic, but I didn’t care. Apparently, they’d been a divisive topic in the brief ti since I’d brought them, with a few people seeing things my way and the rest absolutely horrified.
More for .
Still… Will we even get the rest of the food the duchess promised?
The castle was mostly back to “normal,” for however long that would still apply. I saw Shyll talking to Taava, and I got to hug my daughter as I was leaving to et with the town council. We pulled away, and I held all four of her hands in mine.
“Thank you,” I told her sincerely, failing to hold back the urge to let go of one hand and ruffle her hair.
Joisse had far more self control, and eschewed protest for an earnest smile. “I’m glad we won. I was so worried while you and Mom Sey were fighting; I definitely could have done more.”
“You did great. Sey told the details when she was shoving roasted potatoes at .”
Joisse shook her head. “I could’ve acted faster.”
“And risked getting yourself killed.” I wagged a finger. “We made a plan, and you stuck to it!”
“But…”
“No buts!” I flexed my top left arm and used the lower left one to slap my bicep. “Your mom’s strong! I’m not gonna die just from losing a few limbs.”
“Don’t say it like that!”
“Focus on what you did right! My first fights were all throwing myself on the sword and hoping my regeneration would carry the day. You kept patient and hit your shot!”
My daughter’s brow furrowed. “Didn’t you do that in this fight, too?”
“Not entirely!” I protested. “There was a plan this ti! And I only had to take that one attack because I couldn’t dodge.”
“So it’s alright if it’s part of the plan?”
“Well… um, you did great pulling us out of the collapsing ravine!”
“Which you fell into to use your body as a weapon.”
“I…”
I blinked and looked at Joisse’s clawed finger. Why was everyone flicking today? At least she hit my forehead.
“I guess you’re right, Mom. I shouldn’t be feeling bad that I didn’t do enough. I should be getting mad at you for hurting yourself too much! Do you ever finish a fight conscious?”
“Sotis!” I defended. “Like, umm, how about when Astrye got attacked last. I was conscious the whole ti!”
“Because they couldn’t aningfully hurt you! You still let yourself get chained to the ground.”
“I needed to talk to them.”
She flicked again. “Verrka’s right.”
“Right about what?”
“She says you’re like a boss enemy”—she made an “up here” gesture with her top two hands— “who really wants to be rank-and-file instead.” She mid stick figures with her other hands.
“What’s that supposed to an?” I crossed all my arms, but I didn’t pout. Sovereign demons didn’t pout.
“You’re always trying to bring yourself down to other people’s level, Mom.” She mid my body language. I didn’t look like that! Although, I did feel my tail tip twitching and pulled the limb around one leg instead.
“Well yeah, I’ve got human friends and I don’t want to be weird.” I made two pairs of air quotes at “weird.” “You do the sa!” I felt a little bad for accusing my daughter, but she sat at Verrka’s house just the sa as I did.
“I’m not demonic royalty.”
I blinked; it took a second for the realization to hit. “Actually, yes you are; you’re my daughter.”
I’m demonic royalty. Damn, never thought of it like that before. Probably best not to, actually.
She stopped, one clawed finger held up in the air, and deflated. “Okay, wrong way to put it. And… that’s sothing I need more ti to think about. But! You’re always trying to be relatable and you don’t need to be.”
“How? What?” I threw my hands up.
“You can be a demonic Sovereign and your friends are going to be fine with that. Sure, you’ll scare people, but you always do that anyway! You’re the one who’s always accepting and all about people being their true selves.”
“But my true self isn’t…” I trailed off and really thought about it. I was not the sa Zarenna who erupted out of the volcano. I was no longer she who hid and threw herself at people’s feet begging for acceptance.
Things were different now: accept or not, I wasn’t going to break. I’d bend, I’d compromise, but I would not concede. There was no need to play up my awkwardness around strangers and acquaintances, and there was no need to keep my body language mortal around friends.
“Fine,” I answered finally. “Thank you, Daughter.” Then I went in for another hair ruffle to tone the formality back down. “But I’ve got so bad news for you—the awkward act isn’t completely artificial.”
“Yeah, I know.” Joisse shrugged.
I staggered back, two hands over my heart and as my tail uncoiled to stick out ramrod straight. “You wound ! Well, if you know, I guess that makes it easier. I’m not going to stop my bad sense of humor.”
“I know.”
“And I won’t stop trying to be nice. Or be any more aggressive.” I rattled off the items on my fingers.
“I’d hope not.”
“But maybe I’ll hold my head a little higher, play into what I am. Stop forcing my movents to be human-like all the ti.”
Joisse hugged again. “That’s the idea. Thanks, Mom.”
I leaned down and whispered, “Who else put you up to this?”
“Mom Sey and Aunt Kartania,” she admitted. “But it was my idea too.”
I gave her a squeeze. “Thank you, I think I needed that affirmation.” Then I looked over her shoulder and saw a familiar tail disappear around a door. “Are you sure there wasn’t a cat there too?”
“Cat?” Joisse smiled. “No, never. No strange dogs either.”
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