That question was not easy to answer for Kyle.
Why go that far?
Was making an oath for a friend too far? Yes, it was.
This was sothing that might happen in a deep relationship when nothing else worked anymore, and the two parties had to take drastic asures to save it.
Stuff like this involved deep love.
Kyle was not attracted to Swamp Dragon, and he did not have any romantic interests in him.
Despite how it had appeared with so of his off-color jokes, he was very much straight.
When Swamp Dragon saw Kyle's hesitation, he realized sothing.
"This is not about ," Swamp Dragon comnted. "It's about you."
Kyle closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Until now, he hadn't really thought about it.
He wanted to desperately help Swamp Dragon. That was just what he wanted to do.
Yes, it was his job to risk his life as the frontliner, but they were a team. He was supposed to take the most dangerous position, but no one expected him to sacrifice himself.
He was too extre with his dedication to the team.
Kyle had also assud the most dangerous positions in his previous teams, but would he have sacrificed himself?
No.
His old teams, the Dwarves and Team Sandstorm. When he had led those teams, he had taken the brunt of the danger, but they had never been in a truly inescapable situation before.
When he had charged forward, he knew that there was a ton of danger, but he also believed that he could handle it.
If there had actually been such a situation, what would Kyle have done?
He would have fucked off.
Everyone for themselves.
He wouldn't actively push his teammates to the taphorical chasing tiger, but he also wouldn't throw himself between them and the tiger.
It all depended on luck, and nobody would fault him for that.
But that was what he had done this ti.
He hadn't expected to survive.
Why?
Kyle was asking himself that question as well, and when Swamp Dragon had made his comnt, Kyle was reminded of sothing the mysterious man had said.
The mysterious man had asked why Kyle hadn't fought with his team, but Kyle hadn't been able to give a clear and satisfying answer.
In the end, the man had just said one thing.
"Guilt?"
Kyle had given a negative answer to that comnt back then, but…
Maybe he had been right.
Kyle was amazing at blocking out negative emotions, but did that an that he truly didn't feel them?
Just go with the flow.
Whatcha gonna do? How did that motto work when he had condensed his Sin Flas?
Back then, he had tried. He had really tried to go with the flow and just accept his new situation.
Eventually, it had worked out, but the fact that it took a long ti for him to recover showed that he actually felt the negative emotions.
He was not a machine.
Kyle looked at Swamp Dragon.
'Guilt,' he repeated in his mind. 'I don't care about the Array of Stars or the Cult. Yes, they have helped , and my morals tell that I should repay them, but if I'm honest, I don't really give a shit. Sure, repaying them is what I'm supposed to do, but it feels more like sothing I have to do instead of sothing I really want to do. Kinda feels like cleaning your apartnt.'
'Swamp Dragon? Sebastian? It feels different. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to betray them.'
'But I have to. They are part of the Array of Stars, and I am part of the Cult. That sucks! I don't want to do that!'
'That's why it feels bad. It's sothing I don't want to do but will do anyway.'
'That's why I go that hard. I am trying to balance bad with good. I'm trying to lessen my guilt.'
'But that doesn't work. You can't get rid of guilt like that. Sure, you might feel better if you do sothing good after doing sothing bad, but that won't fix anything.'
'Sure, in a grand, ideological, moral sense, it's debatable, but that's not how emotions work. At least, I think so. That's what everyone says, at least.'
'I need to fix the underlying issue for my guilt, which is my eventual betrayal.'
'But for now, I have to stop trying to go all martyr on Swamp Dragon.'
"Yeah, you're right," Kyle said awkwardly. "I think I have a problem."
Swamp Dragon raised an eyebrow. "What problem?"
The next sentence, Kyle transmitted instead of speaking.
"I feel bad about the entire Parasite thing," he transmitted.
The Array of Stars knew about his "past" as a Parasite, but Kyle didn't want to share that with Manny and Third Valkyrie, who were still watching on the sidelines.
"I'm trying to overcorrect," Kyle transmitted. "I feel like I owe you."
Swamp Dragon took a deep breath.
Naturally, he believed that this was about Kyle's "forr" allegiance.
"You don't owe ," he said. "It's fine. I understand your circumstances."
"Overcorrecting is not the right thing to do, and I think you know that now."
Swamp Dragon sighed.
It was a sigh of resignation and relief.
"Don't do this again, " Swamp Dragon said. "Please. I can give you one last chance, but it will be the last."
Kyle took a deep breath of relief.
"Thank you," he said. "I will work on this, and I won't mindlessly sacrifice myself anymore… or attempt to. I kinda failed at sacrificing myself."
Swamp Dragon just shook his head a bit, but there was a small smile visible on his face.
"I'm willing to form a team with teor Hamr," he said to Third Valkyrie.
Manny was smiling widely, while the Third Valkyrie just looked forward in annoyance and boredom.
This ant more work for her.
"Fine," she said. "I'll form the team when your next shift starts."
Then, she just teleported away.
As Kyle looked at Swamp Dragon, almost all of his guilt vanished.
But how?
Without solving the underlying issue, getting rid of sothing like that was almost impossible.
Well, Kyle kind of solved the underlying issue.
He had actually changed sothing rather simple.
'I don't care that much about betraying the Array of Stars. Yeah, kinda sucks, but whatcha gonna do?'
'What I care about is not betraying Sebastian and Swamp Dragon.'
'The entire betrayal thing won't happen for a looooong ti. Chances are, I will die before I get powerful enough to be of any use. Chances are also that both of them will die before that happens. It's also possible that they might change organizations.'
'Also, as long as I keep growing, I can remain in the growth-stage and don't have to enter the information-collection-stage.'
'Just gotta go all the way to the Twelfth Realm. Unless they can also reach that level, the problem will solve itself!'
'I don't have to feel bad about betraying them since I simply won't betray them.'
Of course, a voice in the back of Kyle's head still sowed doubts.
What if one or both of them also beca that strong?
What if the Cult forced him to do information collection early?
Kyle's solution?
Very simple.
'That's future Kyle's problem! Can't keep being anxious about eventualities that might never occur!'
tgresolv?domain=StrongestHamrGod
The author's patreon. If he gets more than 1000€ per month, he will increase the number of words in the chapter.
User Comments
0 comments from readers