The place where Alex was now standing was Lynchwood—a Wild West–style town lost on a remote planet called Pandora. Vault Hunters flocked here, dreaming of finding the coveted caches of an ancient civilization.
But Alex's reason for being here was far more mundane. His three little princesses had already caused plenty of trouble on Pandora, fraying the nerves of the locals, including the inhabitants of a town known as Sanctuary. To compensate for the damage, Alex had to accept a task from one very well-known woman on Pandora—Moxxi.
The compensation boiled down to a simple "service": get rid of an overly persistent admirer. That's how Alex ended up at a junkyard near Lynchwood, where the headless body of Ziggy Splice—the fanatic who called himself "Moxxi's future husband"—was already lying nearby.
Lighting a cigarette after the deed, Alex looked at the absurd altar Ziggy had built in honor of his beloved. The sight of this "sanctuary" convinced Alex once and for all that so residents of Pandora were beyond saving. Around him lood dozens of Moxxi dolls cobbled together from scrap, while the altar itself was decorated with wilted flowers, severed heads, and one particularly notable "masterpiece"—a doll with a photo of Not-So-Handso Jack and a rusty knife stuck straight into his face.
The only thing left to do was burn this circus down. Alex knew perfectly well: if he left it as it was, another lunatic would just take Ziggy's place. So he pulled several jerrycans of gasoline from his inventory. Sure, he could've used magic to finish things in a second—but where's the fun in that? Sotis it's nice to solve a problem like an ordinary man.
"Country roads, take ho… To the place I belong…" he humd the old song while dousing the altar generously with gasoline.
He wasn't stingy with the fuel. Dozens of Moxxi dolls were drenched in it, and at the end Alex even placed a full canister right on the altar—for a more "spectacular finale." After a few drags, he tossed the glowing cigarette into the heart of the nightmare.
A second later, a loud whoosh!—and flas shot up into the sky. Fire engulfed the altar, leapt onto the trash heaps, and grew into a towering bonfire. Alex calmly watched the madness burn. Fire was one of the three things you could watch forever.
But his peace didn't last long. Sensing multiple presences behind him, Alex tilted his head slightly and saw a horde of Psychos charging at him, shrieking. Their bodies were covered in ridiculous tattoos, their faces hidden by iconic masks, and their mouths spewed incoherent insults.
Alex was already preparing to cut them down… but suddenly they stopped at the burning pile of junk and… started dancing.
He froze, stunned, as dozens of Psychos spun around in so kind of wild shamanistic ritual. Their raspy voices rged into a strange chant:
"Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga… Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga…"
Alex automatically stuck a finger in his ear, thinking he misheard. But no—they were actually singing.
The fairy-drone Navi stread everything to the girls, who sat wide-eyed, unable to understand why their daughters had ever set foot on this cursed planet. Everything they'd seen so far was madness, but the Psychos' dance around a bonfire in honor of Moxxi went far beyond the limit.
"A Psycho who likes being electrocuted—that's tolerable. A Psycho who enjoys choking—you don't surprise anyone with that. Even the owner of the 'Dungeon of Delights' in a latex suit—dubious, but fine. But this…" one of the girls muttered, staring at the screen.
Alex kept standing there, face blank. Yet the longer he listened, the more the rhythm pulled him in. His head began to bob in ti.
"Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga…" the Psychos' voices carried.
"I can't stop this feeling…" Alex joined in, now with enthusiasm.
"Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga!" the Psychos roared, adding rhythm.
"Deep inside of …" he sang louder, gaining montum.
"Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga!" the Psychos echoed, like his personal choir.
"Girl, you just don't realize… What you do to !" Alex continued, swinging his arm in ti.
The horde of Psychos screeched, jumped, and worked themselves into an even greater frenzy. Madness had reached its peak.
The girls watching the broadcast were left speechless. Instead of running away from the madness, Alex suddenly began to sing—together with an entire crowd of Psychos who were cheerfully dancing around the burning mountain of trash.
On one hand, Alex did have a genuinely pleasant voice, and his singing was easy on the ears. But not in this situation. The girls sitting together exchanged glances, and in their eyes was the sa unspoken question: was their husband all right? Or had Alex finally squandered the last remnants of sanity? One way or another, what was happening looked terrifyingly strange. So even started to think he had gotten a little too imrsed in the atmosphere of this insane world called Pandora.
anwhile, inside Chaos, Nyan-Nyan sat on her throne, laughing loudly as she watched Alex sing and dance with the horde of Psychos. Even Yog put aside her snacks to take a look, and to her own surprise, she was impressed. She had never expected such behavior from Alex.
The sa was happening in Lady Death's domain. She sat upon her throne of black bones, observing the events. It openly amused her. If before she had marked Alex only to spite Nyan-Nyan, now Death was genuinely intrigued by this man. Watching the madness, she laughed out loud for the first ti in ages, and her realm—usually filled only with silence and gloom—ca alive with the sound of her laughter.
At one point, the Creator's eldest son, Michael—and at the sa ti Alex's elder brother—decided to check on what his younger brother was doing. Creating a projection, he managed to glance for only a second… before imdiately shutting it down with a heavy sigh. Yet another confirmation—his new brother was a true madman.
Alex, anwhile, had completely given in to the Psychos' rhythm: singing, dancing, and looking as if he had always been a part of this strange company.
"Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Ooga!" the crowd of Psychos chanted in unison, dancing around the flaming dump.
"I'm hooked on a feeling, I'm high on believing, that you're in love with !" Alex sang along, tapping his foot as if it were just an ordinary celebration.
"Glory to the Firehawk Lilith!!!" one of the Psychos scread, raising a flaming axe above his head.
"Glory to the Firehawk Lilith!!!" the whole crowd echoed, waving their burning weapons.
Alex froze as he heard the shouts. He hadn't expected that by simply doing a job for Moxxi, he'd beco the cause of a new cult forming in honor of the siren nad Lilith. Lilith had once already had her own cult of fanatics she couldn't get rid of. And as Alex rembered, the Vault Hunters had long ago wiped them out at Lilith's personal request—because their fanaticism had spiraled out of control.
Now, hearing them scream Lilith's na and seeing so of them catch fire as the flas spread to their bodies, Alex realized: it was ti to run. If his family could hear his thoughts right now, they all would've rolled their eyes and added a few sarcastic remarks.
Then an explosion thundered. Nobody—not even Alex—knew that Ziggy had planted bombs inside every Moxxi doll, and the heat had set them all off at once. Burning trash flew in every direction. One particularly large chunk crashed straight onto a shop in Lynchwood, crushing a Psycho in a latex suit. The town had turned into a hell of fire and screams.
Alex, however, stood amidst the chaos—alive, unhard, and expressionless. Charred bodies lay all around, pierced by flaming debris. He only shrugged:
"Well… there was a cult—and now there's no cult of the Firehawk. As they say, fanatics don't live long."
Acting as if nothing unusual had happened, Alex calmly headed toward Lynchwood. Except the fairy-drone Navi had been recording everything in high quality all this ti. His singing and dancing with the Psychos, along with this entire mad spectacle, would no doubt resurface many tis at family dinners as a "funny story."
Reaching Lynchwood, Alex stopped, staring at the chaos. Half the town was burning, Psychos ran around engulfed in flas, screaming curses. He wondered: should he put out the fire, or just leave? Choosing the latter, he dissolved into the air and reappeared at the gates of Sanctuary.
The first thing that caught his eye was a mountain of empty beer cans and a sleeping guard who, even in his dreams, refused to let go of his beer. Alex looked at this "marvel of security" and wondered if giving him beer as an apology had even been worth it, considering the only thing he was guarding was his nap.
Casting one more glance at the guard clutching the beer can, Alex shook his head. Either way, as long as he was in this town, he could protect it from Hyperion's goons, should Not-So-Handso Jack decide to attack again—for who knows how many tis now.
Entering Sanctuary, Alex heard suspicious noises from Scooter's garage. The tal shutters were firmly closed, and Alex didn't even want to know what was going on inside. Knowing Scooter's imagination, Alex could only picture what he might have been doing with his latest vehicle, and the images were so unpleasant he wanted to burn them out of his mind. Deciding not to dwell on it, he made his way to Moxxi's bar to report that Ziggy would no longer be a problem.
Climbing the steps, Alex caught the familiar mix of slls: cheap liquor, cigarettes, gunpowder, and Moxxi's sweet perfu that lingered throughout the bar. Entering, he ignored the patrons—the damage caused by "the four gremlins" had already been compensated.
Seeing him, Moxxi greeted Alex with a seductive smile. Waiting until he sat at the counter, she imdiately poured him a chilled drink. Alex lit a cigarette, and Moxxi, leaning on the counter and tracing her finger along his wrist, asked:
"So, how did it go, sugar? Did you manage to take care of my little problem with Ziggy?"
"You could say that. Everything went… fairly smoothly," Alex replied in a calm tone, pretending that the ensuing chaos had nothing to do with her question.
"Oh, sugar, thank you. You have no idea how hard it is for such a fragile lady like to fend off overly persistent suitors," Moxxi purred coyly, still running her finger along his hand.
Alex gave her an empty look. He knew perfectly well that behind the mask of a "fragile lady" hid a cruel and vengeful woman who never missed a chance to get back at her enemies. After Not-So-Handso Jack had used her and betrayed her, Moxxi hated him with every fiber of her being, and if she had the chance, she'd gladly shove a grenade into a place where even the sun doesn't shine. The only one Alex could compare her to was Freya: both could smile and play the role of a weak woman, but behind that smile was always a blade ready to strike straight into the heart.
"So then, sugar," Moxxi drawled, resting her cheek on her palm, "how did it go with Ziggy? And… I hope you didn't forget to burn down that altar in my honor?"
"Your admirer Ziggy died so fast I barely noticed. As for the altar… if you don't count the hundreds of trash-made dolls that looked like you, a few severed heads, and one with a photo of so idiot with an annoying grin and a rusty knife stuck in his face, then yeah—it all went up in flas. But…" Alex tapped his finger on the wooden counter.
"But?" Moxxi leaned closer, curiosity ringing in her voice.
"When the altar went up like a Christmas tree, it caught the Psychos' attention. At first, they were dancing around the fire, singing… then suddenly they started declaring their love for Lilith."
Moxxi burst out laughing, covering her lips with her hand:
"Hahaha! You're telling those lunatics threw a disco around a burning trash pile, then crowned themselves Lilith's fan club?"
Alex nodded, keeping a stone face. He wasn't about to admit he had been part of that "celebration" until everything blew up. Moxxi, anwhile, broke into full laughter, her voice ringing throughout the bar. She felt she had made the right choice trusting Alex with this "compensation": who would've thought that killing a pushy suitor would turn into such a show?
She even pictured Lilith's expression when she learned her na had once again beco the object of a cult. And the cherry on top was Alex's ntion of the explosives hidden inside the Moxxi dolls. The blast was so powerful that the burning debris flew all the way to Lynchwood and set half the town on fire.
The bar's patrons, hearing her laughter, began listening closely and exchanging glances, realizing that soon new rumors would be crawling through Sanctuary. Alex already knew: Lilith was about to get another headache.
"Oh, sugar…" said Moxxi, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes and fixing her makeup. "You really do know how to brighten a girl's day."
"Glad you enjoyed it. I should probably get back to my business. Who knows how many enemies those four gremlins have already managed to make. I'd rather not have a mob with torches chasing after my daughters," Alex said, draining his glass in one gulp.
"You're leaving already, sweet thing? I thought you'd stay a little longer. It's just too fun having you around…" Moxxi drawled coquettishly, clearly unwilling to let him go.
"Well, I already had to sneak away from work to beat up one idiot," Alex replied calmly as he rose from the counter.
"It's a sha you have to go. But drop by anyti. I'd love to chat again," she said softly.
"As long as I'm on Pandora, if you need sothing—just say the word. I'll be here until I take care of all the problems that landed on my daughters," Alex said, heading toward the exit.
"Of course, sugar. I've actually got a couple of ideas… but I'll tell you later," Moxxi said with a smile, blowing him a kiss.
Alex turned his head slightly toward her, gave a nod, and walked out through another exit of the bar.
He found himself in a small alleyway. Turning his head to the left, Alex saw a junkyard where, in a heap of trash, lay the drunk whose face he had once smashed against the bar counter. A little farther off was another pervert who had been hoping to et an electro-shocker. Next to them were a couple of particularly "clever" individuals who had decided to demand exaggerated compensation for the trouble caused by Anya, Nyarlko, Jinx, and Tina.
Turning his gaze away from the unconscious bodies, Alex looked ahead, at the simple street where passersby calmly strolled or chatted with one another. Here was also the Black Market shop, run by Crazy Earl—the man who could get absolutely anything in exchange for Eridium.
Alex wondered whether it was worth gathering so Eridium to test what interesting effects could be extracted from that ore.
Walking at a slow pace, he turned to the right—toward the building located in the center of Sanctuary. Deciding to step inside, Alex entered and found a rather empty room, save for the Hyperion company's Fast Travel station. These stations allowed travel across Pandora, wherever they were installed.
Glancing to the other side, Alex rembered that in the ga there had been a golden chest here. With it, you could obtain powerful weapons—if you had golden keys. But now, this was reality, not a ga. And of course, the chest wasn't there.
Leaving the building, he walked to the end of the street and stopped at a crossroads. To the left was the path to Marcus Kincaid's shop—that sa forr lover of Moxxi who ran the largest weapons business on Pandora. Marcus could get you any weapon for the right price. The other road led to the Crimson Raiders' headquarters.
Lost in thought, Alex tried to piece together the tiline of this world.
He recalled Roland—the leader of the Crimson Raiders. As Alex rembered, Roland had first ended up in Hyperion's prison, from where he was rescued by the Vault Hunters. After that, he began handing out missions, thwarting Hyperion's plans and those of Not-So-Handso Jack. Eventually, Roland died in the prison where Jack kept his Siren daughter, Angel. After her death, Jack captured Lilith to use her powers to open the Vault.
But right now, Sanctuary hadn't yet turned into a flying city, which ant Roland had to be alive. Especially since Anya, Nyarlko, Jinx, and Tina had ntioned Lilith, who was still here.
Alex beca even more confused. It irritated him that he couldn't piece together a clear chain of events.
"Does it even matter," he thought. "Whether Roland is alive, dead, or has switched sides to Jack—that's their problem."
He decided to stick to his original plan: compensate those affected by the four gremlins, rescue the Siren nad Angel, shove a golden statuette up Jack's rear, and perhaps open the Vault built by the ancient Eridian civilization.
Mapping out his route, Alex turned left and headed toward the Crimson Raiders' headquarters, where Anya, Nyarlko, Jinx, and Tina were waiting for him.
After walking a bit further and turning, he saw the headquarters with two soldiers standing at the entrance. Alex raised an eyebrow, trying to rember whether these were the sa ones coming for compensation or other victims of the gremlins. But when the two raised their hands in greeting, it beca clear—they were also here for the sa reason.
Alex smiled, nodded to them, and walked past. No one even attempted to stop him.
Inside, he saw beds, a pile of washing machines, and, of course, Patricia Tannis—a researcher, archaeologist, and slightly mad scientist. She was notorious for suddenly changing topics mid-conversation, getting distracted by nonsense, and spouting complete nonsense.
"So many calculations unfinished… so many studies incomplete… so many experints in bed untested… What should I do?" muttered Tannis, hunched over her papers.
Alex gave her an empty stare and decided to quietly pass by. Moxxi had been enough of a distraction; Tannis could clearly also be dangerous in that regard, and Alex had no desire to deal with her.
Carefully stepping, he headed for the staircase leading to the second floor, where the main part of the headquarters was located. But, to his misfortune, Tannis was standing directly in his path.
He was almost past her when she suddenly turned and grabbed his arm.
"Are you new here? Can I help you, Mouth-Breather?" Tannis asked, holding on tightly.
"Kind of. I don't need anything. I'm not buying anything. I'm not selling anything. I just need to get upstairs," Alex replied in a robotic voice.
"Why do you sound like a robot?.. Maybe you are a robot sent to kill and steal my research?" Tannis's eyes sparkled with madness. "Not a chance I'll give in without a fight! I'll turn you into a pile of scrap!"
With that, she grabbed a grenade from the table.
Alex stared at her with an empty expression as Tannis held the grenade, clearly planning to make it explode. He sighed heavily, once again asking himself: why him?
While he was lost in thought, Tannis threw the grenade. It hit Alex's chest and thudded to the floor, scattering tiny sparks.
Both—Alex and Tannis—stared at it. The grenade rely crackled, showing no intention of exploding.
Alex looked at Tannis and grimly thought that this crazy woman must have thrown grenades far too often, which was probably why she was handed a dud. Tannis, with the sa mad gleam in her eyes, glanced at the grenade at his feet and just clicked her tongue.
"For starters, I'm not a robot. I'm here on business. And your research doesn't interest ," Alex said calmly, bending down to pick up the "dummy grenade" from the floor.
"Hmm… You really don't look like a robot," Tannis said, nodding and examining him from head to toe. "Neither Dahl nor even Hyperion would make machines this… attractive."
"I think… thanks for the complint. Good luck with your research, whatever it is you're doing," Alex replied, deciding it was better not to get drawn into a conversation.
"Hey, wait!" Tannis suddenly perked up. "I haven't finished talking. If you're not a robot and also so attractive… how about a little… fun? I'm free right now."
She smiled and grabbed Alex's hand.
Alex stared at her with the sa blank expression, carefully removed her fingers, and pulled a small bag of candy from his pocket. He placed it in Tannis's hands.
While she examined the candy, intrigued, Alex silently made his way upstairs. He had absolutely no desire to sleep with a woman he'd just t.
Tannis watched him leave, clicking her tongue slightly—she didn't even ask his na. But her thoughts quickly shifted: she opened the bag and popped a piece of candy into her mouth. Feeling the sweetness, Tannis squinted in satisfaction, humd to herself, and returned to her work.
anwhile, Alex climbed the stairs to the second floor of the Crimson Raiders' headquarters. There, he was t with a strange sight.
On a shabby couch slouched a thin man in a leather jacket and worn-out pants. He wore a bandana on his head and dark sunglasses over his eyes. He held a bottle of alcohol in his hand, with empty bottles scattered around. On a perch nearby sat a bird resembling a vulture. This was Mordecai.
A bit further, at a table, sat a huge muscular man in a sleeveless leather jacket that highlighted his massive arms. His grim appearance contrasted with the pink bunny ears on his head. This was Brick.
Brick was currently sitting with Anya, Nyarlko, Jinx, and Tina. The four of them were playing a local version of "Dungeons and Dragons," but in the style of Pandora.
No one noticed Alex entering, so he cleared his throat slightly to attract attention.
At the sound of his cough, Mordecai and Brick instinctively grabbed their weapons. But before they could do anything, Anya, Nyarlko, Jinx, and Tina happily jumped onto Alex.
Seeing the handso guy surrounded by four girls, Mordecai and Brick exchanged glances. Both thought the sa thing: who is this stranger?
"Daddy! Where have you been? Why so long?!" Anya asked, stretching his cheeks.
"If soone hadn't caused a ss, I'd have been back sooner," Alex squinted and pinched Anya's nose.
"We should've just left that crybaby Scooter alone, that's all. So what if we stole his car! Let him build a new one," Tina said nonchalantly.
"Only Scooter? What about the others you caused trouble for?" Alex raised an eyebrow, looking at all four of them.
"Nothing like that happened," Anya, Nyarlko, Jinx, and Tina said in unison, making innocent faces.
"It did happen," Alex sighed. "Stealing soone else's fridge. Stealing a wallet. Stealing weapons… And why did you even have to steal just the left shoes? Can anyone explain that?"
Anya, Nyarlko, Jinx, and Tina exchanged glances and pretended they had no idea what Alex was talking about. Seeing that he wasn't going to get any admissions out of them, he just let out a heavy sigh.
Mordecai and Brick had been watching the scene with genuine interest the whole ti. Hearing the girls' words, they exchanged glances and realized: here was the mysterious, and according to Anya, Nyarlko, and Jinx, "the most handso daddy in the world." Not that they denied Alex looked incredibly attractive. But both couldn't shake the thought: isn't he a bit too young to be the father of three daughters like these?
"Daddy, you still didn't answer—where were you? And why did it take so long?" Jinx asked, tugging at Alex's face.
"I was catching up to you so late because I had to pay compensation to all those poor souls whose lives you managed to ruin," Alex replied dryly. "Including one little job for Moxxi. It involved getting rid of an overly persistent admirer and burning down an altar, which, as it turned out, was explosive. In the end, half of Lynchwood was reduced to ashes."
Hearing the word "compensation," the four gremlins just shrugged in unison. They were far more curious about how Alex had completed the task.
Brick and Mordecai, on the other hand, couldn't take their eyes off the man who had managed to please Moxxi and burn down half the city at the sa ti.
"Well, you're impressive, man. Burning down half of Lynchwood—that's a skill," Brick said with a wide grin, studying Alex.
"Thanks… cute ears," Alex replied with a faint smile.
"Hahaha! Thank you! I am the great rabbit warrior, of the battle-rabbit race!" Brick declared proudly with a grin.
"Hahaha, impressive. I take it you're Brick, and the one who never lets go of his bottle is Mordecai. Right? Or did I mix them up?" Alex said, even though he knew perfectly well who was who.
"Hahaha, you got it. Mordecai either drinks or hunts. Most often, he does both at the sa ti—drinks and hunts," Brick replied with loud laughter, giving his friend a friendly pat on the shoulder.
"Well, everyone has their own preferences," Alex shrugged indifferently.
"All right, sit with us, handso daddy. Tell us what you think of Pandora," Brick said, moving a chair for him.
Alex smiled and sat down at the table. But before he could even speak, a figurine was placed in front of him, and he was forced to join the board ga. And, to top it off, a crown was plopped onto his head.
He glanced at the four gremlins—they had no intention of accepting a refusal. Smirking, Alex just shook his head and decided to play along, while casually chatting with Brick and Mordecai.
Still, deep down, another question nagged at him: where was Lilith? Why hadn't he seen this fiery siren yet? Alex decided not to rush and, during the conversation, carefully extract the missing details—to fully understand at which stage the events of this world were.
To be continued…
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