R’lissea’s question hung in the air for a long ti. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand what she was asking, but that I didn’t know how to answer. I liked being near my friends, cuddling with Fable, and resting in Luke’s arms. I was okay with him kissing , and sotis even wanted to kiss him too.
But sothing had changed when I woke up to Luke this morning. I didn’t know how long he’d watched over , but that he’d fallen asleep at all must have ant he was exhausted. Even if that was because he’d broken through, even if his decision to stay with didn’t an he wouldn’t ascend, it still touched sothing within .
I loved Luke. And for the first ti, I actually knew what that ant. And that was what scared .
R’lissea cleared her throat, and I flinched, realizing I’d left her unanswered. "You know, there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to soone," she said. "And if that ans you want to give yourself to him, I don’t see why–"
"R’lissea!" My face burned, and I pressed my hands to my cheeks, shaking my head vehently.
"Sorry, sorry." She held up her hands, a bemused smile tugging at her lips. "I just assud–"
"We’ve never done anything like that," I mumbled, staring at my lap. "I an, sure, there’s been kisses, and we hold hands, but the rest...? There’s no way we could...I could do sothing like that right now."
But this morning, if he’d pursued it, if he hadn’t stopped...what then? I wasn’t sure I could have stopped him. With how I felt, the heat surging within , I didn’t know if I would even have wanted to.
I couldn’t say that out loud; I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. I’d lived an entire life where n had taken what they wanted, through prostitution or rape, whichever fit their fancy. The mories were dim and blurry, but as real to as the horrors of the inquisitors’ Dusk Chambers. That I had been so willing to betray the promise I made to myself in the halls of Lord Byron’s mansion, and to Aurle, was the most terrifying part.
R’lissea let out a long sigh. "I guess I should have seen this coming. You’ve never handled new feelings very well, and I can’t think of anything that would sound the alarm bells more than getting intimate with soone. It was already pretty shocking when you admitted to kissing Luke."
I ducked my head, hunching my shoulders in sha. "I-I’m sorry."
She smiled sadly. "I’ve never pried into your past, but I think I understand you well enough to know there’s no reason for you to apologize. You’ve had so much taken from you, so much innocence stolen. I rember when you told that offering your body was the only way to receive safety. It was your first instinct in a relationship. But you said Luke was different, right?"
I nodded, a quiver in my lower lip. That much was true. Whether it was with Soltair or Byron, for one reason or another, the only way I could be safe was to beco subservient to their every desire. But with Luke, I’d never once thought of that. Not until this morning.
She continued. "But now, never mind him taking that from you, you actually want to give it to him. Most people view intimacy as a wonderful part of a relationship, but for you...it would be stranger if it didn’t scare you."
"Really? It’s...okay?"
She patted my hand. "If we’re being honest, I think it scares Luke, too. I bet he never thought he’d actually feel this way about anyone. But here you two are, looking at a horizon you were never ant to see." She chuckled at that, shaking her head. "I almost pity him. It can’t be easy, having a pretty girl like you alone in a room, just begging for sothing she didn’t even understand. That he consciously left when he did says a lot about him, no?"
"It’s not the first ti," I said, playing with a length of silky hair. "I just, um, didn’t realize it before. But now...do you think he even cares about that kind of thing? He only sees as a distraction, I think."
"Oh, co on, Xiviyah. One mont you’re terrified that you’re attracted to him, the next you’re bemoaning he doesn’t see you the sa way?"
My blush darkened, and I bit my lip, looking away. She was right. It was completely illogical, but at the sa ti...sothing about Luke looking at , desiring , made my heart flutter.
R’lissea giggled to herself, shaking her head wryly. "If what I saw in the common room this morning was any indicator, I think he likes you plenty. And there’s no way he gave up on the perfect chance to cripple Radia just to hold the hand of a ’distraction.’"
"You really think so?"
"It’s kinda obvious, if you look at it. You don’t kiss soone you don’t like. Gods, you two really are hopeless. And Xiv, for the record, there’s nothing wrong with wanting him, either. It might be scary, but rember that fear cos from the past. It doesn’t have to define your relationships anymore."
"I...I think I’m starting to get that," I said after a mont’s thought. I nodded resolutely. "But I’m still not ready for sothing like that. And with Luke...I don’t know if I ever will be. If we do, and he leaves..."
I sniffled again, blinking as my eyes grew thick with tears. I swallowed hard, but the lump in my throat refused to budge. R’lissea gathered i n her arms, pulling close again.
"I know, it’s hard. And no one blas you for thinking like that. To tell you the truth, um, when I was in Sylvarus before, with Ronin, we kinda had that relationship."
I gasped, looking up sharply. "You did?"
Red blood in her cheeks, her fingers curling into my sleeves. "Just once or twice. We were really too young and unprepared, but the point is, I regret sharing that part of with him now. Especially how everything turned out."
"Im’ sorry. I didn’t know," I said, chewing on my lip. "Um, when I was in Heartland, Tana and Sorrin got married."
"I rember you talking about that. That’s where you got your wreath, isn’t it?"
I nodded, touching my horn where the flowers usually rested. "Yeah, but I never really understood it. But after what you’ve said, and feeling like this..." I pressed a hand to my heart. "I think I want to get married soday. And maybe, like them, that’s when it’s okay to be...close."
R’lissea’s face softened, and her smile turned a little sad. "I think that’s very sweet, Xiv."
I rested my head on her shoulder. "I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to feel like this for soone again. When Luke leaves, does that kind of hole ever get filled?"
"I don’t know. But be brave, okay? I’ll be there with you every step of the way. And if fate sees you in a white dress one day, then I’ll be there to grow the flowers."
She smiled, waving her hand. A tendril of life magic blossod in my hair, turning into a glowing white flower. I touched it, the petals warm and delicate.
"I’d like that," I whispered.
"Good. Now, feeling better?"
I nodded, and she squeezed once more. Then, rising to her feet, she smoothed her skirt and offered a hand.
"Co on," she said, pulling to my feet. "Let’s get you in a new dress and brush that hair out. That should give us enough ti for you to dry those tears. You’ve got to look respectable for the war council later."
"Thank you," I said as she fussed over , choosing a red elven dress for to wear and beginning on my hair.
She smiled warmly, tapping my head with the comb. "That’s what friends are for. I’m just glad you’re willing to talk with . It hurts seeing you cry, and not knowing why."
"Then, um, when you’re feeling sad...?" I bit my lip as she paused, hesitantly looking at her.
She t my gaze in the mirror, smiling at . "Then I hope you’ll return the favor."
I nodded, smiling slightly, and leaned back into her gentle hands. Our ti together was short, and before I knew it, we were joining the others in the lobby. Apparently, it had been three or four days since Luke had brought to Firstlight Inn, and by that ti, my body had let go of enough of the tangled ball in my stomach to feel hungry. Rivlett showed us to the table where the others were already eating breakfast.
The conversation stilled as we arrived. They were just our friends, Korra and Gayron sitting together, Luke on the other side. I gave Luke a shy smile, but he avoided my gaze, his cheeks turning a light shade of pink. Korra raised her eyebrow at , and I found myself copying Luke without aning to, quickly looking at my lap. R’lissea sat down next to Luke, and after so awkward silence, they began to catch up on everything that happened.
It had been four days since Luke carried into the First Light Inn, and the war had progressed exactly as I’d seen in my vision. The Fatesworn and Luke’s horde had secured the entire region around Darkreign keep, but church spies and night raids had seen them grow restless.
Now that I’d finally awakened, Luke declared the ti had co to leave Darkreign behind. Our sights were set on Radia.
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