The Genesis Saga Chapter 212

Jyn entered his room, alone. The darkness matched his mood, but he forced himself to turn on the lights. The utter lack of mundane objects surprised him. The small mirror had been removed and gone was anything that was sharp. Jyn took the ti to inspect his room as he made his way towards the black duffle bag on his bed.

He opened it and saw that there were no new clothes or anything to sleep in. The only thing inside was his personal data slate. He scoffed. The only thing they’d given him was a reminder of days past that he would never again have. Though he didn’t want the reminder of his innocence, he couldn’t help himself.

Gingerly, he picked up the device and turned it on. He had no goal in mind as he swiped his way through it. He went through each app and every bit of data stored on it, losing himself completely in the past. When he finally opened his stored photos and videos, he paused. Reluctantly, he went to the very beginning and found the part of his life from before he’d joined the military.

His parents, his brother, and a much younger version of himself dominated those photos. A birthday here, a family reunion there. The occasional outing to a restaurant and the rare instance he was with old friends.

After all that had happened to him, that part of his life was so distant it hardly mattered anymore. He hadn’t kept up any real contact with his family in years, much less since the team’s deploynt to the Arvis Sector where they’d discovered Adrian. They had no idea what he’d gotten himself into and he doubted they’d care anymore. His family wasn’t a bad one, but he’d distanced himself anyway and thrown himself into a career he knew they disapproved of.

Hells, he had no idea if they were even still alive.

Briefly, he wondered if they would be disappointed in the shell of a man he’d beco now. He was no longer the sa son or brother his family rembered. He was nothing more than a broken man living a broken dream.

Jyn continued leafing through the pictures until he ca across the ones he’d taken on his very first day as a soldier. People long-dead had held the cara so that he would have a mory to look back on. His feeling of the stars aligning when his application to the military had been accepted and he’d been assigned his first team was alien to him now. He’d lost his fellow soldiers one by one during skirmishes or transfers to other teams. Each ti, he’d worked his way one step closer to Captain.

And now all his hard work had been taken from him.

Pointless though it was to reminisce about a career he would never have again, he couldn’t tear his attention from the photos. He went through them until the day he’d awarded his rank of Captain. It marked the first ti the military had truly acknowledged his performance and dedication to his missions.

Not that he had anything to show for his standard of excellence after going to the Arvis Sector. Everything had gone downhill from there. That mission had truly marked the beginning of the end. He went on to the next photo, the first one of the current team. He marveled at how young they all were. Everybody’s smiles reached their eyes and their long-lost innocence was still there. His gaze paused on the sight of him posing next to Reya and his heart sank further.

Even right after they’d first t, there had been a spark between them. For years, Jyn remained at arm’s length from her, not wanting to have a ssy relationship with his subordinate. Not only would it have been inappropriate, but he hadn’t wanted Reya to live a relationship with such a skewed power dynamic.

The years seemingly flew by and before he knew, she’d been snatched by another man — an alien, even. When she and Adrian had announced their relationship officially, Jyn refused to accept that he’d lost Reya for good. But no matter how hard he tried to convince Reya she was making a mistake, he wasn’t blind. Every ti he looked at the two of them together, he knew the truth.

Reya had never been happier.

And the one to give her that joy wasn’t him. There was no more warmth between the him and Reya like there once was. All that was left was a frigid disdain for him. Jyn knew it to be true. He’d seen the very mont Reya’s last shred of true affection for him died.

He didn’t know which hurt more, the orange chemical or losing Reya.

Unbidden, tears welled in his eyes once more. Jyn blinked them away, refusing to cry again so soon after his waterworks display by the campfire. Instead, he focused on the photos and fell back into a trance. Hours flew by as each mory was relived with each new piece of evidence it had ever happened.

The moons rose high in the sky, and Jyn heard others retire for the night, no doubt certain he’d long since fallen asleep. The alcohol had long since faded from his bloodstream and he was sober once more. Each passing minute was agonizing, for it brought him one step closer to rembering the orange chemical.

The alcohol had worked wonders for his tired, damaged mind. It wasn’t the healthiest way to cope, but Jyn was certain that the others wouldn’t mind if he helped indulged so more one last ti. Clutching his data slate close to his chest, Jyn stood up off his bed and silently made his way to the door.

Carefully, quietly, he turned the knob and opened it a crack. He couldn’t make out anybody present in the hall. All the other bedroom doors were shut. Hope swelled in Jyn’s chest as he left the room and shut the door behind him with the softest of clicks. He ghosted through the hall and down the steps, skipping the one that creaked.

The mont he made it to the ground floor, he scanned the living room for any signs of movent. A breath he didn’t know he was holding left him once he was certain there was none. Jyn silently made his way towards the front door and slid on his shoes.

He made it all of one step outside before he froze. Darkness blanketed the valley the safe house was in. To make it to the ship, he would have to trek across the fields alone with no light to guide him. Panic flooded him at the thought of a gru’ul lurking in the tree line, ready to shoot him the mont he was vulnerable.

Jyn’s desire to mute his thoughts of the orange chemical eventually overrode his fear of getting shot again. He forced one limb in front of the other and trudged through the field towards the ship. He didn’t need any light to make his way to the ramp, for he knew exactly where Tassie had landed it. It was a trip he’d made hundreds of tis before.

Yet, for all the familiarity such a mundane action should have, Jyn couldn’t shake the deep-seated fear he had of getting shot again. Faster he walked until he broke into a jog. His eyes sought the ramp that would bring him to safety and the mont it was in sight, he started sprinting as though his life depended on it.

He barged onto the ship and frantically ran through the hangar until he crossed the door. Imdiately, he turned around and input the lock command that would ensure he would remain safe and undisturbed. If anything happened, he would be alerted by the ship and the others would surely deal with the problem.

His rapidly beating heart slowly cald as he made his way through the ship and towards the storage room. There, he knew he would have unfettered access to alcohol. Enough to kill a man ten tis over.

Jyn wound his way through the ship until he arrived at his destination. He stepped inside and made directly for his prize. A giant storage unit stood before him and he excitedly opened it. Bottles upon bottles of various liquors glimred with condensation as a blast of cold air made his hair stand on edge.

Knowing he wouldn’t be disturbed, he took his ti selecting his favourite ones, all of them having a high percentage of alcohol in them. Please with his selection, he closed the storage unit and imdiately popped the cork off the tall, slim, deep purple bottle he was carrying. He pocketed the cork and brought the sweet, fruity drink to his lips and took long, deep gulps.

The liquor went down smoothly. It was the reason he’d chosen it. He barely felt the burn as it settled in his stomach. Satisfied for the mont, Jyn looked around. The storage room wasn’t the most inviting place to have a drink. He frowned and thought about the best place to continue his project.

Ultimately, he decided to go to his personal quarters on the ship where he knew he would be comfortable. He took more sips from the purple bottle as he walked, and by the ti he arrived the warmth in his stomach had started spreading to the rest of his body.

He entered his room. It sparsely decorated since soldiers weren’t only permitted to personalize their quarters. Still, there were so knickknacks on his desk and near the head of his bed. His personal room wasn’t a grand affair, but it was still larger than the other ones on the ship, a perk of being the Captain.

Jyn plopped down on his bed and set the two unopened bottles on the floor. Still holding his data slate, he turned the device back on and continued going through it. Generously drinking between each picture and video, it wasn’t long until his cheeks finally numbed once more.

Before he knew it, he was done with the first bottle. Jyn uncaringly swapped it for another one, this ti a much harsher drink with a woody, smoky flavour. It was stronger, and he wouldn’t be able to drink it as quickly as the previous one. He twisted off the cap and imdiately the room filled with the scent of a blazing campfire. Jyn grinned and took a delicate sip. He knew that he should be careful after polishing off the first bottle, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

A burn like no other trailed down his throat, despite the small sip. Jyn tore the bottle away from his mouth, sputtering and coughing. Even knowing what to expect, the strength of the drink still took him by surprise. He waited for his fit to subside before diving back into the bottle.

He repeated the action until finally, at long last, he was flushed from all that he’d ingested, and the world around him grew unfocused. He clumsily set the bottle on the floor next to the others and for a mont, all was well.

It took a monuntal effort to pick back up his discarded data slate. Jyn didn’t care. He was glad for it. His mind buzzed from the alcohol and made it difficult to form proper thoughts. Just as he’d hoped.

For the first ti after waking up in the military hospital, he was far enough away from his ordeal so as to almost ignore it completely. He continued going through old mories, struggling to rember each one through the haze. A part of him was alard, but the rest figured the photos were enough proof that he didn’t need to think too hard.

Thinking only led to rembrance, and he wouldn’t tolerate that.

Pictures and videos of Reya and the team were now the only thing he saw. He ward further, though whether out of nostalgia or because of the liquor, he couldn’t tell. He shrugged ntally and continued on.

Tis of celebration made him almost smile. He couldn’t truly bring himself to do so anymore after being shot, but he didn’t let it bother him. He shook away the thought and kept going, only to freeze upon seeing a picture of Adrian he’d taken for High Command.

Everything ca crashing down.

In front of him was a stark reminder of the cause of all of his problems. The man they’d saved who had repaid him with an agony beyond compare. Fury and indignance rose from within as the past forced its way into his thoughts. Jyn saved the man from horrendous suffering and in return Adrian’s problems had followed the rest of them like the plague — unshakeable and impossible to get rid of.

Every picture thereafter involved Adrian in so way or another. Jyn had asked the rest of the team to send him all of their pictures so he could compile them in one place for High Command. He’d forgotten how many there were. There weren’t a ton, but there were enough to bring into crystal clarity the mont they’d discovered Adrian in the Arvis Sector.

One last picture was all it took to break the dam holding everything back. Reya and Adrian were displayed before him, holding hands and smiling without a care in the world. They were happy. Happy in ways Jyn would never be, for Reya was lost to him forever.

Why? Jyn thought miserably. Why do they get their happy ever after and I get tossed aside like a ragdoll? It wasn’t fair. Adrian was the cause of all that had happened, and the universe had decided to gift him happiness.

Jyn couldn’t help but wonder. What had he worked towards all of those years? He’d cut contact with his family, lost the woman he loved and even himself in the process. All so another man could steal his happiness.

What made Adrian so important? Even after being abducted straight from a military compound, High Command had mobilized countless soldiers to go rescue him. It made no sense to Jyn. It was maddening. They’d died in droves so the key to the war could be brought back ho safe and sound.

Even then, for Jyn, the true cost didn’t lie in the dead. It lay in him. He would never again be the sa. How could anybody be after feeling of a needle piercing their skin that delivered suffering incarnate?

They couldn’t.

That mont would forever be ingrained in his very soul. An echo resounded in his mind and a heat different from the alcohol word its way under his skin. It spread from his side where he’d been shot until it was everywhere and all-consuming. It seared every inch of him and was soon joined by the sting of a thousand bugs, the chill of the lowest hell, and even the crumbling of his soul.

Event that was but a pale shadow of the real thing.

Jyn didn’t know when he’d curled himself into a ball on the bed. His data slate was long forgotten. His grip on his thoughts was slipping. He could no longer hold back the pain. The haze of alcohol made it difficult to think, difficult to reason. The alcohol failed him. The mory ca back with crystal clarity.

And he couldn’t shut it out.

He quivered and shook, crying freely on his bed as re lived the pain over and over again. He couldn’t take it anymore. He’d lost everything he had that was worth living for and rewarded with the ultimate demon. One that would haunt him forevermore.

No amount of running would bring them far enough. No amount of hiding would deceive their observation. Jyn was, and always had been, nothing more than an experint. One destined for pain and misery.

Jyn needed relief. Sothing, anything that would remove the mory. He tried to stand but his limbs wouldn’t listen. He rolled over and landed on the floor, sending the bottles careening away with a sharp clink.

He lacked the will to move, and for several long minutes, he remained prone on the floor. Another thought rang clearly above the rest. Even the pain. He knew how to rid himself of his suffering and wondered how he hadn’t thought of it before.

He forced his arms in front of him and dragged himself in a ager crawl towards his desk. Every second it took was an eternity, but Jyn continued forward towards salvation. When he was close enough, he mustered the strength to sit up and unlocked the top drawer of the desk. He braced himself against the desk chair and rummaged around until he found what he was looking for.

Jyn pulled out the gun and stared at it longingly. He would know no peace so long as he lived. He knew it to be the truth. But such a complicated problem had a simple solution. It would be for the best.

Jyn raised the gun to his head and closed his eyes.