The Lamp That No Longer Shines: A LitRPG Action Comedy Chapter 5: Defenestration as a Valid Escape Strategy

[Ti]: 10:45 AM

[Location]: The Tulip Club · Top Floor "Blue Diamond" Suite

"GET OUT!!!"

WHAM.

A velvet cushion flew across the room at supersonic speed, slamming into Rhode’s face.

Lin Zhaojun leaped up from the sofa, her face burning crimson.

"You think I haven't thought about it?!"

Hold on. You actually considered it?!

Lin roared, her voice shaking the expensive crystal glasses. "But the Lead Examiner is Heidi! That god-rotted Heidi Lucent! That woman doesn't just hold a grudge; her aesthetic standards are literally designed as my personal bankruptcy!"

Lin pointed frantically at her own face.

"To get a woman like Heidi to let you slide, do you know what you have to look like? You have to be so beautiful she loses her damn mind! Only then would she drop her pen and beg you to sign a marriage license instead of an exam paper!"

She slumped back again, laughing self-deprecatingly. "I’m a magazine cover girl, sure, but in Heidi’s eyes—eyes that are used to seeing 'Transcendent' beauty—this face is just 'interesting.' It’s not 'brain-lting' material."

"And besides," Lin’s knuckles cracked. "That woman is still keeping score."

"Keeping score?" Hathaway asked. "From a duel?"

"That wasn't a duel; that was a public execution of her soul." Rhode’s eyes were full of mock sympathy. "Four years ago, at The Evocation Invitational. Heidi, the genius heiress, already held the 10th Seat of the Grand Witches. She was only there to collect her [The Zenith of Evocation] ticket and unlock the 'Triple Crown' achievent. Everyone thought it was a formality.

"Then she t Lin."

Rhode held up a zero. "There was a rule: each side could ban two of the opponent's schools. Lin, that maniac, facing a sitting Grand Witch, decided to 'Open Ban.' She didn't ban a single school. She basically told the world: 'I don't care if you're a Grand Witch; I'm winning with one hand tied behind my back.'"

Hathaway sucked in a breath. In this world, doing an Open Ban against a Throne was more than arrogance—it was pulling the dragon's teeth while it was awake.

"Heidi turned green with rage. To save her pride, she Open Banned back. The result?" Rhode glanced at Lin. "In a Best of Seven, Lin pulled a perfect 4-0. She wiped the floor with a Grand Witch on a universal broadcast and didn't give her a single point."

"The killing blow? After winning the final set, Lin slowly pulled out an expensive mana potion and perford a 'Spiral Drink Taunt'. She wasn't even low on mana; she just wanted to tell Heidi: 'I didn't even break a sweat beating you'."

Lin grumbled into the sofa. "I was just thirsty..."

"Thirsty?" Rhode laughed. "Heidi knew you were better, which made the humiliation even worse. As revenge, the 'Lord of Glow' went straight back to the Council and exercised her privilege to personally oversee the A3 Exam Question Bank."

Rhode patted Hathaway’s shoulder. "Heidi flooded the exam with High-Theory Logic Traps and Paradox Calculations," she sneered. "She just strictly enforced the 'Academic Standard'."

Lin let out a muffled wail into the cushion. "But my answer worked!! If I use enough mana, I don't need to calculate the trajectory! I just blow up the whole grid!!"

"And that gets you a zero," Rhode pointed out. "Because the question asked for the 'Minimal Mana Consumption Solution', and you wrote 'Tactical Nuke'."

"Wait," Hathaway asked. "Can't Lin just... beat her up again? Or challenge soone else for a promotion?"

"Challenge?" Lin laughed bitterly, lifting her head from the cushion. "You think this is a shonen manga? This is the Witch Association.

"The Apex Ticket is the key to the upper ranks. One ticket makes you an Arch-Witch. Two tickets is the minimum to even be considered for a Grand Witch seat.

"There are three hundred and fifty-one Tickets. Three. Hundred. Fifty. One. And currently? Two hundred and thirty-six people are sitting on them."

"Why?" Hathaway asked.

"Because the people at the top are squatting on them," Rhode interjected, her tone turning cold. "Ovelia's court issued a formal declaration: a woman of her magnitude cannot leave a credential unclaid. The Axiom of the Water Dragon. The Mandate of the Fire Dragon. Zeniths of eight schools. The Apex of Dominion. Honorary Senator of the Witch Association.

"Twelve tickets. Heidi holds two."

"They have effectively welded the door shut for the forty-two million High Witches below," Lin murmured. "Without an Apex Ticket, you cannot be an Arch-Witch. And without being a Grand Witch, you can't change the exam rules."

"It's a closed loop," Rhode concluded. "Heidi defines what 'Correct Magic' is. And as long as Lin refuses to bow to that definition, she will be an 'Associate Witch' forever."

Hathaway sat back.

It’s not magic, her inner corporate slave recognized instantly. It’s a monopoly.

"Anyway." Lin suddenly sat up, switching from "Academic Failure" to "Capitalist Mogul" in a heartbeat. She looked at Hathaway’s non-glowing eyes. "These eyes... while they can't help cheat, they have imnse comrcial value."

Lin snapped her fingers, a small fla dancing on her tip. "Rhode, let borrow your cousin."

"Borrow?" Rhode raised an eyebrow. "For what? If you corrupt her, the Council of Elders will hang you from the White Tower to dry."

"Nonsense! We’re starting a New Project." Lin flashed a predatory, snaggletoothed grin. "The the: [Gaze of the Night Queen: When a Ludwig Learns to Stealth]. Trust , we put these 'dark red eyes' on a poster with so black gothic lace, and Witch Fashion will be begging for it."

"Oh?" Rhode’s interest piqued. "And think about it—we plaster those posters all over District 2. The Wellingtons will see a Ludwig who looks as 'gloomy and introverted' as they are. They’ll be too disgusted to eat for a week! Hahaha! Pure psychological warfare!"

Lin shrugged. "I don't care about the Wellingtons. I care about the A3 re-exam fees. They are ten thousand a pop, and there's a waiting list."

Hathaway’s lip twitched. So in your eyes, I’m just a tool to annoy your rivals and a walking ATM?

"Oh, and before I forget." Lin reached into her tactical suit and pulled out a stack of crumpled, suspiciously scented parchnt, shoving them into Hathaway’s arms. "Since you’re a fan, here’s a gift. These are my... ahem, 'private' Pink Spells. They won't help with the A3 (damn you, Heidi!), but they’re 'useful' in certain situations. Study up. Don't embarrass the Ludwig na."

Hathaway looked down at the parchnt. The top page read: Tentacle Summoning: Not Just for Fighting—On the Aesthetics of Physical Entanglent and Asphyxiation.

[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: HIDDEN INTERACTION TRIGGERED!]

[Item Obtained: Lin Zhaojun’s "Special" Manuscripts]

Quality: Epic (Taboo)Type: Knowledge / ntal PollutionDescription: Contains 108 unconventional uses for tentacles.Warning: Reading this does not cost Mana, but continuously drains the user's [Sanity (SAN)].Note:"Knowledge is power, but sotis, knowledge is also a one-way ticket to a detention center." — Rhode's Comntary.

Hathaway looked at the two partners in cri now planning which bar to hit.

There really isn't a single normal person in this world.

Suddenly, a knock at the door. A waiter entered, pale as a ghost, carrying an exquisite gift box. "U-um... Lady Lin, Lady Rhode... Lady Adeline from the Ruby Hall sent this wine..."

"WHAT?!"

Both Rhode and Lin roared the word simultaneously.

The two "Arch-Witches" who were just acting like they ruled the world suddenly looked like cats whose tails had been stepped on.

"That... that Plud Dragon?!" Rhode’s voice cracked. She stared at the box as if it contained an anti-matter bomb.

[WARNING: HIGH-RISK CAUSALITY WEAPON DETECTED!]

[WARNING: ENVIRONNTAL LUCK LEVEL DROPPING RAPIDLY...]

Outside the window, a stray teor suddenly streaked across the sky, slamming into the city's distant shield with a violent flare.

"RUN!!" Rhode grabbed Hathaway’s hand. "Adeline’s gifts aren't wine; they’re a Curse of Probability! Last person who took her gift was hit by teors for three days straight!!"

"JUMP!!" Lin roared, grabbing her staff.

Lin didn't use the door. She used a [Force Impact] to blow out the entire expensive floor-to-ceiling window.

SHATTER—!!

The wind scread in. Before Hathaway could even ask why, she was sandwiched between the two witches and leaped.

They were three thousand ters in the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

This was Hathaway’s first morning in the new world: Her idol was a cheating student; she was carrying illegal tentacle textbooks; and she was currently skydiving without a parachute because of a woman nad "Adeline."

It was... quite productive.