It was maybe five or ten minutes after midnight. I was sitting in front of my computer in my room when I first noticed the sound. It was faint and dull, but after a few seconds of listening I could make out a definite tune. At first I wondered just what it could be at this ti of the day, but then the proverbial iridescent bulb lit up over my head and a second later I was already flying down the stairs towards the living room. There, after so fumbling, I managed to get my new phone out of my coat carelessly discarded on the back of a chair and I accepted the call without even looking at the caller ID.
"Yes, it's Leonard... Errr... " I paused for a mont, but then the montary brain freeze was over and I exclaid, "Dunning! I an, Leonard Dunning speaking."
For a few seconds, there was only faint static in the ether. I wondered if maybe soone called the wrong number, but then at last a familiar voice called out to .
"Good evening, chief."
I involuntarily frowned.
"Hi, Judy. I think we are a little beyond evening if you ask ."
"Did I wake you?"
"Nah, I was researching stuff on the net."
"Sorry, I... I should have thought about the ti."
That answer threw off the loop for a mont or two. It wasn't just the apology (though admittedly my assistant didn't strike as soone who apologized at the drop of a hat), but the tone itself. At first I thought it was just a compression artifact of the connection, but by this point I was sure I heard it right: Judy's voice sounded frail, almost mousy. It made worry.
"Is everything all right?"
"Yes."
I waited for her to elaborate, which didn't happen, so I sighed and ventured a guess.
"You couldn't sleep again?"
There was a faint rustle on the other side and I frowned again.
"Please don't tell you just nodded."
"Oh..." She sounded genuinely surprised; whether at herself or , I couldn't tell. "Force of habit."
"It's not a big deal, but be aware that it will be kind of hard to uphold a conversation if you don't talk."
"Sorry."
"You know, you are apologizing an awful lot. Are you sure everything is all right?"
There was a long, tense pause, during which I most certainly didn't nervously walk up and down in the room like an expectant father at the maternity ward. Eventually Judy spoke again, her voice sohow managing to sound even less secure. Speaking of which, it was weird to hear emotions in her voice like that. Maybe she let her guard down while on the phone? Or maybe it was just that I always focused too much on her severe deficit of facial expressions and never noticed the small nuances in her admittedly enchanting voice?
At any rate, she finally answered, "I was just... thinking."
"Oh, that happens even to the best of us. It's nothing to be ashad of." There was a stretch of silence between us, and for so reason I felt mother-in-law levels of disapproval emanating from the phone in my hand. "Sorry, that was... inappropriate?" I grasped for a response. "So, what were you thinking about?"
"Many things... About the world. About . About everything."
"Oooooh...!" I exclaid as I plopped onto my comfy sofa with a sowhat awkward smile. "I get it! You are having an existential crisis!"
"I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't bother you with—"
"Oh, no, no!" I interrupted her before she could gather steam. "It's all right. Having an existential crisis is a perfectly legitimate reason to call ."
"It is?"
"Yep. It's nothing to be ashad of. I think anyone would have one in your shoes."
In truth, the only strange thing about it was how early it happened. Considering that she was a placeholder, I expected the dread to set in much later. After a second or two Judy tentatively asked; "Even you?"
"Especially ," I answered with confidence, though I realized how inappropriate that was by the ti I said it. Oh well.
"You seem to deal awfully well with it."
"Oh, that's just the surface. I am screaming incoherently on the inside even as we speak." There was another stretch of very loud silence and before I knew it I found myself apologizing. "Sorry, I guess it's not the ti to joke about this." I waited until I heard a noise from her which I choose to interpret as a sign of forgiveness, so I proceeded to do the sensible thing and shalessly changed the topic. "So, I guess that's the reason why you couldn't sleep yesterday either."
"Yes."
"Why didn't you tell ?"
"I thought you would ridicule ."
"Wait, do you really think I'm the kind of guy who would do that?" My mouth moved before my brain did, so after a mont of pause I hastily added. "Wait, no, don't answer that question. I think we are both better off if you didn't."
"Agreed."
After another lengthy period of nail-chewing silence, I finally sighed.
"So, why exactly did you call ? How can I help?"
"... I don't know," she replied in a wispy voice, and I was once again astounded by how different she sounded from her usual level deadpan. "I think I just wanted to hear your voice."
"Is that so?" I hesitated for a mont but in the end I told her, "I guess I should start by apologizing too."
"You? Why?"
"Well..." I awkwardly scratched the back of my head, though she obviously couldn't see that. "If you look at the root of the issue, we would not have this conversation if I didn't get you involved, so—"
"Stop." The word cutting off was icy cold. "If you try to tell you regret involving , I will be really, really angry at you."
I smiled awkwardly to myself. I was actually a little curious how an angry Judy would look like, though I concluded that I really didn't want her to be angry at in particular.
"No, that's not what I wanted to say. I should have just... done it better. Ease you into things. In fact, that's what I originally wanted to do, but I guess I got impatient. Sorry." She didn't say anything to , so I cleared my throat aloud and tried to smile while speaking. I cannot attest, but apparently doing so makes one sound friendlier too. Anyways, I said, "So, do you want to share your worries? Get them off your chest?"
This ti there was only the briefest of pauses.
"I shouldn't. It's silly."
"I don't think it is. Trust , you'll feel better afterward."
Judy fell silent, probably collecting her thoughts, and finally spoke up with a slightly firr voice.
"It is because of our research... I am usually too busy to think about them throughout the day, but when I get to bed they just overwhelm . Questions. Is this world really just an imitation? Am I even real, or just a fignt of soone's imagination? What about my mories? Are they really mine, or just pre-programd images soone else put into my head? What if all I am, or what I think I am, is a lie? What guarantees that if I go to bed today, I would not be reprogramd into a different person by the ti I wake up? Or if the entire world just ends... Would I even be aware of the mont it happens? And... and..." She let out a pitiful sound that made wince in sympathy. "I am rambling. Can you even understand what I want to say?"
"Of course I do," I answered confidently. "I have these kinds of thoughts all the ti."
"... You do?" She sounded genuinely surprised.
"Of course I do. I told you it was only natural."
"How do you deal with it?" she asked so eagerly I tried to imagine what kind of expression would suit such a tone, and I just couldn't overlay it on her face. The image still made smile though and I leaned forwards in my seat.
"We are both dealing with it already." I could sense that she didn't get my aning, so I hurriedly continued. "Isn't that what our research is all about?"
"Really?"
"Of course! We are collecting data and constructing hypotheses because we are uncertain. Being uncertain is troubling, and being uncertain about heavy topics like your own existence is just plain scary. We are combating this dread by taking the thing that makes us uncertain, observing it, picking it apart, poking its innards, putting it back together, and ultimately attempting to figure out how it works. At that mont it is no longer uncertain, and thus we have nothing to fear."
"But what if it is sothing we should fear? Like us not being..." She seed to struggle for the right word for a while before uttering. "... real."
"It is a possibility, but once we know that we can move on. It's better to know things like that than not to."
"And in the anti? What do we do until we get our answers?"
"Live in the present," I answered without a mont of hesitation.
"... What is that supposed to an?"
"Exactly what it sounds like. So what if the world can end at any mont? So what if you cannot ascertain the continuity of your consciousness? It's not like we can do anything about them right now, and obsessing over them would just turn us into nervous wrecks. Personally, I am not a fan of that. There are so many interesting and fun things out there, new experiences and people to et, that I find worrying about these things a waste of ti and effort better spent elsewhere."
"So you say we should ignore them and engage in escapism?"
I was once again wondering where she got her vocabulary, but I decided to ask her at the mont was not really prudent.
"No, I advocate enjoying yourself mont by mont. That's what I'm doing whenever I am not doing my research, and usually even when I do. I hang out with Joshua and company, piss off annoying butlers, and make friends with girls that call in the middle of the night to spill their hearts to . Stuff like that."
"This is fun to you?"
"Yeah, I like talking to you."
There was another long pause ending in a quiet ‘I see...'. Just then I suddenly had a thought.
"Hey, should we go and see the ocean on the weekend?"
There was a silence that decidedly felt more baffled than anything else on the other end of the line.
"... Did you just invite on a date?"
I pointedly fell silent, though I suppose it had little effect since we have been doing that a lot during our conversation anyway. "Just for the record, I am currently rolling my eyes. I just thought you should know."
"So it's not a date?"
"No, it's a research excursion!" I told her with a tired sigh. "I just discovered today that we live on an island and I want to see the shore. Maybe check out a local port and the ships. See if we can find the boundaries of the world. Take your mind off the vast emptiness of existence by doing sothing fun and productive. Stuff like that."
My assistant gave a small ‘Hmph.' and at last answered, "Two deluxe cheese sandwiches."
I sighed. "Do I have to pay you separately for everything? ... Also, that sounds like compensated dating. It makes feel dirty."
"You said it's not a date, so it's fine. Call it compensated research tripping."
"Might as well... So, should we call it a day for today? We should discuss the details tomorrow and—"
"No!" Judy suddenly exclaid and it almost made jump out of my seat. "I an..." She mumbled sothing I couldn't understand.
"Could you repeat that?"
"I said... please talk to so more. Until I'm ready to fall asleep."
She sounded surprisingly earnest, like a little kid asking for a bedti story, but I really didn't want to ruin the mont by poking fun at her.
"Fine, fine. What should I talk about?"
"I don't know..." She hesitated. "What were you researching when I called you?"
"Oh, it was ti travel. Ti travel in fiction, I an."
"Ah, that sounds perfect to help fall asleep."
I involuntarily set my jaw.
"Let warn you, it will be in the test."
"What test?"
"The one at the end of the sester."
"I'm pretty, so I don't need to worry about my grades."
"Young lady! Your lack of study ethics is appalling! Kids these days just can't appreciate proper education! You have no idea how easy you have it nowadays! Back in my days, we had to mine our own textbooks from the deep, dark crevices of Mount Librarium! You youngsters have everything at your fingertips with your interwebz and social dia and... and..."
"And lolcats?"
"Especially lolcats! I truly fear for the future of our country and/or species!"
"Oh, the humanity?"
"Oh, the humanity indeed!"
We both paused for a few seconds, and at least on my end I had a hard ti stifling my snickers. At the sa ti, I also felt really, really relieved that Judy seed to be back to normal... well, as normal as she can be considered, but I might not have been the best yardstick in that regard.
"So, back to the topic: ti travel in fiction."
"Do you think it happened in this world?" Judy interjected before I could even gather montum.
"Hm? Oh, no. Or rather, I have no idea, but probably not. Otherwise, we should be up to our necks in paradoxes."
"Then why did you look into it?"
"Oh, that's a bit of a tangent. You see, I was originally researching school life cody stories for common tropes and formulas when I ca across this particular galge—"
"Galge?"
"Oh, right, you probably don't know this. A galges are romance-focused gas about a single male protagonist wooing one or more love interests, except they are more like virtual books with images, and then there are the ones that are all about raising statistics and stuff, and... that's another tangent. The point is, I was looking into this particular eroge—"
"Eroge?"
"It's a ga with... well..." I awkwardly scratched my chin and averted my eyes, but then I realized I had nothing to avert them from and instead I just rolled them and muttered; "... sex."
"So it's porn?" Judy answered dryly, apparently completely unfazed by the subject matter.
"Not always. At least depending on whom you ask. One of my sources told most eroge are story-heavy and only have about as much sexual content as your average paperback romance novel while another insisted they are all horrible child-porn made by Satan or sothing... I think I will need to do more research."
"For science."
"Indeed."
"And it has nothing to do with you trying to hone your flirting skills through virtual training."
I smiled ruefully and grunted directly into the phone so she could certainly hear it.
"I'm glad to hear you are completely back to normal. Now stop it."
"Aw. I was scolded."
"A-ny-ways, there was this one particular story that had ti travel in it, so I clicked on a link pointing to that topic and was reading through that when you called. It's actually pretty fascinating."
And with that, I began my long, detailed, and in no way dry explanation of fictional ti travel over the phone. I didn't get too far though, as I was only beginning to explain how the grandfather paradox worked when I noticed my assistant was suspiciously silent.
"Judy? Are you asleep?" I waited for a few seconds for an answer, and after listening very closely I thought I could make out the sounds of a soft, even breathing over the white noise of the phone line. I smiled. "Good night."
With that I ended the call and pocketed my phone before I jumped to my feet and headed to my room, already thinking about the research trip we would have on the weekend. I originally wanted to do it on my own, but now that I asked her to accompany I had to make sure to help her relax properly.
"Before anything else, I should check the local maps for docks. Oh, and a nice shoreline. Are beaches still open at this ti of the year? Transportation, food, tickets... I wonder if there is a good movie in the theaters we could watch to wind down?"
Mumbling so I entered my room and tried my best to ignore how excited I sounded.
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