Afterimage (1)
The room was dark.
It might be the third, or perhaps fourth day.
Her sense of ti had already dulled long ago.
The thick curtains drawn over the window allowed not a single ray of light from the outside world.
They were a heavy, solid boundary separating this room from the world.
The air in the room was heavy and murky.
Seraphina lay looking at the ceiling.
A pure white ceiling, nothing else.
She stared at it for a long ti.
Her gaze lost focus, rely drifting over the empty surface.
Sotis dust motes would enter her vision, then soon disappear again.
A tray was placed in the corridor outside the room door.
Cold soup, hardened bread, and a dust-covered water glass.
The dormitory attendant brought food every day, then at the next alti, took away the untouched food.
At first, they would knock on the door.
'Lady Seraphina, you must eat.'
Sotis, the cautious voices of friends who ca to visit could be heard.
'Seraphina, are you okay? Please open the door.'
But now, they made no sound.
More precisely, they no longer even opened the door, and this had started since the day after she had, for so unknown reason, offered an apology as if Lavin had co to visit.
Seraphina slowly raised her body.
Because she had been lying down for several days, her body felt incredibly heavy.
Her joints creaked as if rusted.
She sat on the edge of the bed and stared blankly at the floor.
A few strands of hair had fallen to the floor.
Seraphina loved Lavin.
At least, she believed so.
And Lavin clearly loved Seraphina.
Otherwise, he wouldn't have said those words at the end.
mories, voices echoed in her ears.
'I like you, Seraphina. I think I love you too much. You might not feel much hearing it, as I've told you every day, but I an it.'
"I know you an it. I love you too."
Seraphina's lips moved soundlessly.
'Even if you don't believe my words, even if you're always busy blaming no matter what I do, even if you listen to those damned people you've never even t, battered by what they say about , rather than my words, I don't hate you.'
"I didn't hate you either. In fact, I didn't want to break off the engagent. That day. I should have defied father and grabbed Lady Levina's collar to sohow rescind it. I should have."
Seraphina, after saying that, let out a hollow laugh to herself.
She buried her head in her knees and again stared only at the floor.
Because Seraphina herself knew well that even if she went back, she would act the sa way.
'No matter what efforts I make, no matter how many hundreds of tis I say I love you, I don't hate you for not returning it.'
"......I'm sorry. Truly."
'And I hate that part of . I hate that I'll be abandoned by you. I always pretend I don't care, but without you, I feel like I'll die.'
"That's not abandoning you...! No. No, it's true. It was who did that. I abandoned you. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. So... so......."
'That must be why. I can't bear to see you with anyone else, at least not while I'm alive.'
"......."
She thought Kyle was just a kind of colleague, soone she beca close to through their shared class.
Because he simply helped her when she was an outsider among the students taking the sa classes, due to the fact that she was Lavin's fiancée.
Since she received so help, and because he was always one of the mbers who went with her to hunt monsters or whenever a task arose, she just stayed close with him.
Those are all just excuses, aren't they?
At least with Lavin, it seed they never had a proper conversation, or even exchanged proper words.
Even if she approached him, she thought, 'Lavin is Lavin, so he wouldn't listen to my words anyway, and would just treat them as nagging.'
Yet when she heard him say, 'Let's forget about breaking the engagent and just get married, living sowhere quiet by ourselves,' she was so incredibly happy.
The one who never changed was always her.
Even now, Lavin whispers in front of her.
'One day, at an appropriate ti, we can get married and just live in so secluded place, just the two of us. Honestly, even that would be enough. There's no need to go back.......'
She reached out her hand, but it didn't reach.
"Yes! Let's do that! Even without that, if we just get a small villa, even if I'm disowned by the family, when I graduate later and work with my friends, and Kyle......!"
Only after spitting out those words did she realize she was repeating the sa mistake again.
'Don't be by Kyle's side.'
"Ah, then. You're right. I'll do that from now on.
I won't et anyone. I won't et anyone at all."
'I hope you don't beco happy.'
For a mont, her breath hitched.
The scenery before her eyes distorted.
Lavin, who had said they would live in a secluded place just the two of them, began to burn.
His skin slowly lted away, turning first pristine white, then red, and finally black.
His last appearance, writhing like an insect.
A face contorted in pain. Those empty eyes stared straight at her.
A blackened, burned hand, rising like smoke, reached towards her neck.
She felt as if soone was choking her.
She couldn't breathe.
"Gasp, choke…!"
Seraphina scread, twisting her whole body.
Only after rolling off the bed did she again alternately laugh and cry to herself, whimpering.
She raised a finger and slowly traced her neck.
There was nothing.
Only smooth, cold skin.
Why did she think she had to hold onto him?
Did she think she had to set him straight so he wouldn't go down the wrong path?
Yet, why did the very person who thought such things do nothing but shed tears, even as she watched his end?
Why did she just stand there and watch him turn to ashes?
Because of , Lavin burned to death alive.
That fact doesn't change.
It's not a matter of him being a murderer, or my still-beloved ex-fiancé, or anything like that.
The person who, for over 10 years, had always uttered words of love to her.
The person who, since childhood, had always seen her as 'Seraphina,' not as a family's daughter, a pitiful child, or an obedient child, had died.
I killed him.
That child who was beside .
Not an Edelgard, or the person who's been with the Saintess lately, or so scoundrel, but Lavin, who was always by my side, I killed him.
Like that, Seraphina blankly stared at the ceiling, then let out a low sigh.
Lavin used to say sotis.
That Levina had always tried to separate them since they were children.
At the ti, she just thought it was a complaint.
But for so reason, after the engagent was truly broken, Levina had seed quite pleased.
But what good would thinking about such things do now?
Seraphina staggered to her feet.
She headed to the bathroom.
In the mirror stood an unfamiliar woman.
Her hair was disheveled, her eyes hollow, and her lips were parched.
She looked like a back-alley prostitute no one would even buy anymore.
She turned on the faucet.
She took cold water and washed her face.
It didn't clear her mind.
Water droplets stread down her chin.
It felt like it had always been this way.
Every ti Lavin asked for help, I just stood still.
Even when he hanged himself... did that happen?
For a mont, an afterimage of Lavin hanging himself and dying flashed before her.
But soon, it was covered by the intense image of him burning, and quickly disappeared.
I did nothing again.
I hate the sight of myself crying, and standing still, doing nothing.
Seraphina's eyes t her own in the mirror.
She punched the mirror.
The mirror shattered into pieces and fell to the floor.
Blood flowed from her fist.
But it didn't hurt.
She rembered Lavin's wrist, which she had blown off with magic.
His hand, gripping the revolver, lying on the floor.
Red blood pouring over it.
Seraphina blankly picked up the largest shard of glass that had fallen to the floor.
The sharp part glead, reflecting the lamp light.
She stabbed her own wrist with it.
But, it hurt too much.
Far more than she had imagined.
The sharp pain of the stab, and the chilling sensation of it digging into her flesh.
"Hk...!"
She swallowed a scream, and instead of pushing the glass shard further, she dropped it.
Blood flowed from her wrist.
She held her bleeding wrist and collapsed onto the floor.
And she cried endlessly, miserably.
She wanted to share even a little of his pain, but she didn't even have the courage for that.
Her silent sobs filled the empty bathroom.
She didn't know how many hours had passed.
Soone knocked on the door.
Knock, knock.
Seraphina sat blankly in the bathroom, then heard the sound.
She knew she should get up at the sound of soone knocking.
But she didn't want to get up.
She had always remained still, and it felt like it wouldn't matter if she remained still now too.
She felt it would be better if she just did nothing.
As if that was her role.
Bang!
Suddenly, the door burst open roughly.
It was a female knight standing in the corridor.
It seed she had slled blood and forced the door open.
She gasped in horror at the sight of Seraphina, bleeding and collapsed on the floor.
She rushed over and pulled her to her feet.
"Seraphina! What in the…!"
She tried to take Seraphina to a physician or a priest.
But Seraphina rely allowed herself to be carried and dragged along, not moving on her own.
"......It hurts."
"Then why do sothing that hurts! Everyone's gone mad! Even you! You know full well there's already hardly anyone to treat wounds these days because of those crazy people! Everyone's acting as if the person who deserved to die, died, and......"
Seraphina, without a word, lightly placed her left hand over her friend's mouth, who was carrying her.
Only then did the female knight close her mouth and simply continued walking.
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