Escape (14)
"......I'll walk you to your room."
Instead of answering, Lineta simply nodded.
She rose from her chair and followed behind .
The hallway was long and dark.
Only the candelabras hanging intermittently on the walls dimly lit the surroundings.
Only the sound of our footsteps echoed on the cold marble floor.
Lineta walked quietly, like a shadow, half a step behind .
Sohow, the day we walked together in the annex's backyard ca to mind.
Like Seraphina back then, Lineta also said nothing now.
We arrived in front of her room.
The massive wooden door was firmly shut.
"Good night."
I said.
Lineta didn't answer.
She simply took a very faint hold of my sleeve.
It was a delicate touch, as if it would break off at any mont if I applied any force.
I waited for her to say sothing, but she didn't open her mouth.
After a mont, the strength drained from her hand.
The fingers that had held my sleeve loosely detached.
"......I'm sorry."
Lineta smiled faintly.
She then turned around, opened her door, and went inside.
The sound of the door closing echoed softly in the hallway.
I stood there for a mont, then moved my feet.
I returned to my room.
I didn't turn on the light.
I just stood still until my eyes adjusted to the darkness.
I wasn't sleepy, but I wanted to sleep.
The faint moonlight streaming through the window vaguely outlined the objects in the room.
Expensive furniture. A soft bed. Thick carpets.
Nothing had changed.
Suddenly, such a thought occurred to .
It felt as if everyone was just pretending to have changed.
Even myself.
From that day I blew my brains out with a revolver in front of Levina, until now.
The cold sensation of the pistol still seed to linger in my palm.
Next, I hanged myself.
Thinking that sothing would be different this ti, that it had to be different, and feeling that if I just died, to hell with the ending or anything else, things would sohow work out, I hanged myself.
Because I thought I might be able to return to where I originally was.
Though even that thought changed the mont I was hanging.
I hadn't changed.
All I had done was die, at most.
And even that wasn't so much my choice as it was being pushed around until I died.
It was the sa when I followed Estelle.
I rely stood by her side, inhaled the cigarette smoke she exhaled, and listened to her words.
Because it was comfortable to be by her side.
Because being led by soone was much easier than deciding sothing for myself and taking responsibility for it.
After becoming 'Lavin,' I don't think there have been many monts when I was truly happy.
When Seraphina first accepted my letter.
Of course, only until she treated it like trash and threw it away.
When Levina uttered words like, 'At least you're trying.'
When I heard those words, I even thought I could change sothing.
Back then, I was filled with such baseless confidence, thinking that because I knew everything, and this was a world I understood, if I just acted as I knew, everything would perfectly fall into place.
And when I walked barefoot with Lineta on the forest path of the annex, visited the village to eat the simple food a village woman prepared, and splashed around in the river.
At that ti, I was definitely happy.
I could spend peaceful days without any worries.
That alone was enough.
But even that, I ruined.
Because I wanted to be happy, I approached Lineta.
I'm not sure if everyone ends up like this just by being next to , or if I just gravitate towards such people, but I wonder if there's any difference between the two.
If I hadn't appeared at that annex.
If Levina hadn't sent Lineta to .
Lineta would have lived happily as an ordinary maid, earning a decent wage.
eting Kyle occasionally to chat about trivial things, and dreaming of visiting the capital soday.
I took everything from Lineta.
Her family, her hotown, her ordinary life.
I took much, but gave nothing at all.
I slowly stood up.
My footsteps led to the table.
On the table lay the revolver I had placed there.
I picked up the revolver.
The heavy sensation of tal filled my hand.
I slowly brought the barrel to my mouth.
The tallic, astringent taste touched my tongue.
At that mont, Lineta's voice brushed past my ears.
'I can't go anywhere, Young Master.
Lavin, we can't go anywhere.'
I slowly removed the revolver from my mouth.
As strength drained from my fingers, the revolver fell to the floor.
A dull thud echoed in the room.
Even if I did this, I would just return again anyway.
I can't even escape.
The sa room, Seraphina visiting just the sa, my sister visiting just the sa.
And , who seems destined to die no matter what I do.
'I want to be loved.'
Suddenly, such a thought occurred to .
Not love I receive because I do sothing, or die, or change.
But simply, from the beginning.
I wished I could be loved even if I did nothing, even if I remained the sa scoundrel 'Lavin'.
After all, I haven't done anything wrong.
I wish people would praise and tell I'm amazing even if I just change a little, get a little better, or just show that I'm trying.
The very fact that sothing only changes if I die is miserable.
I fear the gazes that only turn back to when I die.
Because it feels like it proves I'm just a worm, a bastard who only deserves a glance when I'm dead.
I sank to the floor, looking at the bottles of alcohol in the corner.
They were things Levina had brought.
Each one was expensive and rare.
I picked one up.
I uncorked it and drank straight from the bottle.
The potent alcohol burned its way down my throat.
Bitter, sweet, and an inexplicable fragrance stung my nose.
Tears flowed.
I couldn't tell if it was because of the alcohol, or sothing else.
Only the hot sensation streaming down my cheeks was clear.
Knock, knock.
I don't know how much ti had passed, but Levina ca.
"Lavin...... I didn't bring these for you to drink like this."
She said sothing, but the content wasn't clear.
Her voice rely humd as if coming from underwater.
Seeing sprawled on the floor, drunk, she approached without a word.
And then she stopped in front of and looked down at for a long ti.
I didn't know what expression was on Levina's face, but her cheeks looked incredibly red.
She slowly bent down and hugged tightly.
Her body always seed so imposing, but it was smaller and more delicate than I had imagined.
Even though Levina hugged , I felt no warmth at all.
I couldn't feel her heartbeat, or her breath.
"It's alright now, Lavin. You have ."
Levina whispered.
Her voice still sounded distant.
Her arms tightened around even more forcefully.
It was hard to breathe.
She helped up and laid on the bed.
The way she tucked in was strangely gentle.
Levina softly brushed my hair back.
Then, after a mont of hesitation, she lightly kissed my forehead.
The sensation of her cold lips felt alien.
She seed to intend to stay by my side until I fell asleep, as she quietly sat on the chair beside the bed.
The moonlight from outside the window illuminated her profile.
It was certainly a face anyone would call beautiful, but sohow, I didn't want to look at it.
How long did I sleep?
When I opened my eyes, Levina was still sitting there.
She seed not to have noticed I had woken up, as she was gazing at the faint pre-dawn light outside the window.
Her profile looked sowhat tired.
Her usually straight posture was subtly slouched.
"......Levina."
I called her na with a hoarse voice.
Levina turned to look at , her eyes slightly narrowed.
"Shall I bring you sothing to drink?"
She rose from her seat and placed a hand on my forehead.
Her cold hand touched my forehead.
"Has the alcohol worn off a bit?"
"I think so."
I pushed myself up.
Levina supported my back.
"Aren't you hungry? Shall I get you sothing? Maybe so warm soup."
"It's fine."
I pushed her hand away.
A flicker of disappointnt crossed Levina's face, but she soon regained her usual expressionless deanor.
"Why did you do that?"
She asked softly.
"What?"
"Why did you drink like that?"
I didn't answer.
Levina sighed.
"Did that maid say sothing foolish?"
I shook my head.
"Then why?"
"Just...... because I felt stifled."
At my words, Levina's expression hardened.
"Please leave now. I want to be alone."
"What are you going to do? What if you run into Mother again after I leave?"
"I won't do anything."
She scooted closer to on the bed.
And took my hand.
Her cold hand enveloped mine.
"Lavin, only trust . Don't trust anyone else.
Everyone around you, even your forr fiancée, even the maid – they're all just trying to use you.
Only I can be on your side without expecting anything in return."
Her eyes gazed at with persistent intensity.
"So, just stay by my side. Don't think about going anywhere else.
Then everything will be alright."
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