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"Oh, I don't know what I should do at all."
Seraphina's voice seed to echo faintly within the teacup.
Instead of answering, I picked up a cream-topped bread and took a bite.
The sweet and soft cream lted in my mouth.
"It's the sa for ."
Not knowing what to do, I just moved haphazardly, but nothing worked out. Although I beca the head of the Family, I was just vaguely led around by the thought that I should do sothing, and after becoming it, I hadn't done anything at all.
Nothing had changed no matter what I did, so of course, it was unlikely for soone like to suddenly succeed.
Still, I would live believing sothing would co of it. While I might not be able to do everything, I'll think that I can do sothing.
Because I wanted to believe that when Seraphina, Levina, and Estelle died, they didn't die for an unparalleled idiot, but for soone they loved.
There was one thing I realized after spending a night with Estelle and living as a couple in the mansion. It wouldn't matter if only I were an idiot, but sohow it felt like everyone around was also falling apart because of the way I lived.
Especially Estelle, who was by my side.
She approached , saved , and stayed by my side, yet I behaved literally like soone selling their body.
I demanded a price for love. I thought that if I wanted to keep Estelle by my side, she had to do at least that much.
If one starts demanding a price or weighing love, from that mont on, 'transaction' would be a more fitting word than 'love'.
Now that I thought about it, the Church didn't seem to be wrong. Keeping Estelle by my side and not letting her go was certainly a disgusting, satanic whore's act that corrupted the Saintess.
But Estelle loved , even like that.
"Sothing, sothing seems to have changed a lot..."
Seraphina said, looking at .
I shook my head, as if nothing had changed.
"No, actually, I, I might have changed a lot, but I just didn't want to accept it."
Her hair swayed faintly.
"Was I so buried in ti that I didn't see you properly?"
"Don't think like that, let's just look around the street. Things like this, they're harder to see than you'd think."
"It's the sa as what we see every day."
Seraphina replied, looking outside.
I recalled the streets that had been empty and silent, where the faces of passersby were all distorted with pain and agony.
Of course, it was all because of .
At least for now, everything was fine.
Even if it was on the verge of collapsing, at least for this mont.
The Demons will invade. Right now, it's so peaceful that no one would think the Demons would invade.
"Lavin."
Seraphina said, gazing at the lovers on the street.
"Why, whenever I look at you, does the image of you dying co to mind?"
"...Dying?"
"Yes. Always. So horribly, it's hard to believe it's just a dream."
I recalled the deaths I had experienced. Even to myself, they felt sohow ugly and pathetic, mories I didn't particularly want to recall.
Even more so because I felt like a cursed human who only brought misfortune to those around . As soon as I consciously thought of myself as a cursed human, my thoughts blurred slightly, as if my mind were filled with static.
"I went into the room and found the Young Head embracing you, with a hole in your head. When I asked Levina, 'What on earth are you doing?', she just looked up at and smiled."
A faint hint of murderous intent flashed in her eyes.
"I close my eyes and open them again, and you're hanging yourself in front of . Unable to bear watching anymore, I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them again, and you were writhing and burning in front of ."
Seraphina sniffled slightly.
"The sll of blood, the scent of sothing thoroughly burnt, and a fishy odor wafted past my nose. As if it were all real."
Seraphina's nose bridge was slightly red.
"Actually, I just thought these were unpleasant nightmares. I had treated you carelessly, so I kept having bad thoughts, like 'Shouldn't soone like you just die every single day, and shouldn't I just die like this too?' I just thought I was being punished by God."
She drew out the end of her sentence slightly.
"Then an image of you having a wedding ceremony with soone else at the church flashed by."
Her voice sounded as if it were drenched in tears.
"It must be a dream, but even though it's a dream, my heart ached so much it throbbed. Your side is naturally my place, but an incredibly beautiful person was occupying my spot. It was agonizing. More so than you dying. It's funny, even though it's all a dream."
Her laughter, in that tear-soaked voice, sounded like sobs.
"What's even funnier is that when Father brought up your story and suggested, 'Let's slowly break off the engagent,' I nodded. And when the Young Head said she'd heard from Father and asked with a smile if it was true, I nodded then too, yet here I am."
I tried not to show any emotion as I looked at Seraphina.
Because everything that had happened before was now as if it never occurred.
"Saying it out loud doesn't feel all that cathartic either."
And so, I spent a long ti at the cafe with Seraphina.
We were silent.
Only the street's noise and the occasional clinking of teacups floated between us.
Before getting up from our seats, Seraphina said in a low voice.
"I don't want to break up with you. If I part ways with you, I feel like I'll live with regret for the rest of my life."
"Then we'll have to try not to break up. Both you and I."
She nodded faintly.
When I paid and ca out, my wallet was empty, but I didn't show it. The lightness in my pocket sohow felt like my current state of mind.
Unlike on the way to the cafe, the path back sohow felt suffocating.
Even before she took her final steps towards death, Seraphina hadn't pleaded for my love.
Whether for her, for Estelle, or at the very least for Levina, I had to do sothing.
I also had to love. Not thinking about what to give and what to receive, but truly loving. Like Estelle, with the thought of giving anything to the other person.
Thoughts like, 'I've done this much, so you should do this much for too,' or 'I've loved you this much, so you should reciprocate,' should not even cross my mind. Living like that once was enough.
I walked Seraphina to her room door.
I tightened my grip on our intertwined fingers, pressed my body close to hers, and pushed her towards the door. Her back t the cold wooden door.
"I also don't know what I should do at all."
I said, leaning my face close to hers.
"La-Lavin. W-what if soone sees us here?"
Seraphina's face flushed as she gazed at my lips. Even as she said that, she leaned closer. Her eyes trembled.
As if it were a prank, I avoided her lips as she leaned in and brought my mouth to her ear.
"You said you saw dying, didn't you?"
At my whisper, Seraphina flinched.
"At the very least, I won't die the sa way you saw."
After saying that, I pulled away from her, told her good night, and turned to leave.
****
I returned to my room like that. And then, for a long ti, I practiced magic, using spells.
I spent several days like that, solely on practice. I could spend ti without necessarily drinking or smoking, and as I practiced, I would eventually vomit blood and faint, so I had no separate ti to drink alcohol either.
It wasn't particularly agonizing, and since it seed like even small results were erging, no matter what it was, it was quite fun in its own way.
I conjured flas on my palm, created water droplets, and stirred up wind. Now, they weren't exactly tiny, but they didn't seem powerful either.
The dazzling magic that appeared in books and that Levina and Seraphina had shown was still far from usable, I was busy fainting even trying to light a fire, but at least it seed I could now mimic amateur magicians.
The sensation of magic gathering and dispersing at my fingertips beca quite familiar.
Occasionally, when I overused it, the skin on my neck would crack slightly and get injured, and I would vomit blood and faint, but I was filled with a sense of accomplishnt that I could now use sothing I couldn't, despite all my previous struggles.
Ignoring the taste of blood in my mouth, I was in the midst of conjuring a spell that floated above my palm.
Knock, knock.
The door opened with a knock.
It was Levina, looking sohow haggard.
She stepped into the room, then saw what was floating in my palm and her eyes widened. Her steps halted abruptly.
"You, that... how on earth did you...?"
Her voice trembled.
"It's forbidden magic, and you didn't do it, did you?"
She approached slowly. Her footsteps broke the silence in the room.
The spell floating above my palm swayed faintly with her footsteps, then soon dissipated. Like a candle fla in the wind.
Levina ca closer and grabbed my wrist. Her hand was as cold as ice.
"What happened?"
I didn't know how to answer. Levina's hand, holding my wrist, trembled violently. Her trembling transferred through my arm.
"Please, just don't tell you're involved with heretics or Demons. Don't ever say such a thing."
I hadn't expected to see Levina's pupils trembling at this mont.
"No, even if it truly is sothing like that, you can repent starting now, can't you? So don't tell anyone."
"If I say I did it myself, is that not okay?"
"There's no way you could do it. You, who have lived like that since childhood, huh?"
Levina exhaled and moved slightly away from . But she didn't let go of my wrist.
"You haven't shown it to anyone else, have you?"
"...No."
Then she released my wrist. She had gripped it so tightly that the marks of her fingers remained clearly on my pale skin.
Levina washed her face, then looked around the room and said in a low voice.
"So you've been cleaning, after all."
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