A gentle breeze swept a leaf against the front of my hair.
I blew it away.
High above , snatches of golden light weaved amidst the shifting canopy as the sun began to drop. The result was a forest lit in the colours of springti as sumr dared to near. Where the sunlight poked between the leaves, a myriad of vibrant hues shone back.
But none more so than from a glimring stream.
As it weaved amongst the handso oaks, its surface sparkled like a watery kaleidoscope.
Here and there, tiny rainbows were ford where the stream tumbled down a handful of stone slabs.
Joined by the blushing tulips and the swaying fronds which grew along its edges, it was the perfect guide as it led us zigzagging through a forest so tranquil that any suggestion that bandits could be plaguing it was almost unthinkable.
Which is why–
“Hup.”
I skipped over a hemp rope tied between two trees.
Then, I waited for Coppelia to join before I scooped up a twig and tossed it towards the rope.
Thunk.
A rock promptly dropped from the branches, just large enough to murder anyone not wearing a helt.
Satisfied at the result, I continued onwards, admiring the blushing tulips, the singing blackbirds, the reflection of my smile in the stream ... and also another hemp rope tied between two trees.
“Hup.”
I duly skipped over it … before waiting again for Coppelia to join .
Thump.
A slightly larger rock dropped after I tossed a twig.
Content once more, I turned around and continued onwards, enjoying the sight of a forest which wasn’t cursed with thorned roots and overly large badgers attempting to murder .
Instead, all I found was another hemp rope tied between two trees.
“Hup.”
And then another. And another.
Thwump. Thwump. Thwump.
One after another, rocks of gradually increasing size but exactly the sa chanism dropped from branches which were gradually bending so wildly that I only needed to look up to see where the hemp ropes were lying in wait.
Thus, many rocks later–
I threw up my arms in utter exasperation.
“If I’m not dying the 1st ti, why do you think I’m dying the 18th ti … ?!”
I was aghast.
To use the sa trap repeatedly wasn’t simply ridiculous–it was hopelessly uncouth!
Indeed, while it worked as an insult, it utterly failed as a trap!
Was this truly the best that the brigands who plagued this forest could do?! … At this rate, I’d be on my way before the hour was done … which was good, yes, but not at the expense of my sanity!
Coppelia giggled, all the while chewing on a bundle of red tulips plucked from the stream.
“Optimism is good~” she said generously. “We need more of this in the world.”
“There’s optimism and then there’s obstinance. This sohow goes even further. Why is it that only the size of the rocks are changing? Why not try sothing different? All this is doing is leaving dents in my forests.”
“Maybe this guy just really hates grass.”
“Well, I suppose this would explain the discount bulk purchase on gradually widening rocks.”
“I an, at so point, the rocks are going to get big enough that they’ll start hitting your entire kingdom.”
“Unlikely. It’d an sobody would have to trip over these absurdly obvious ropes. Most aren’t even ankle height.” I shook my head in dismay. “... No, this is awful. If any bandit wishes to rise up in the world of hooliganism, they’ll first need to learn how to properly dispose of their enemies. Even a drunkard could harmlessly stumble over traps so shoddy.”
Coppelia tilted her head in thought.
“Really? Because I thought you were pretty impressive.”
“... Hm?”
“I an, even if it’s the sa trap, it doesn’t really matter. Most humans specialise in finding amazing ways to get themselves killed. But you’re actually pretty good at not dying to dumb traps.”
I paused.
“O-Ohohohoho … why, of course!” I placed a hand atop my chest and smiled. “As a princess, even traps as sophisticated as these cannot harm ! … Why, I must be elegance itself! To ever allow my feet to be taken unawares is no different to a rchant falling prey to a con artist or a knight being caught with hair that’s not even fashionably dishevelled–it would be a humiliation.”
“Ooooh, I see~! is this part of princess training?”
“No, it is not part of princess training. It is sothing I learned on the battlefield.”
“... aning that … ?”
“aning that I learned it during the chaos of our soirées.”
“Oh, that makes more sense.”
I nodded wisely, then continued onwards while searching for additional traps for Coppelia’s benefit.
“Indeed, compared to the swiping legs of nobility during the turmoil of a court waltz, this is child’s play. If I can keep my feet when everybody is doing their best to accidentally step on my heels, then even ticulously placed traps such as these have no hope of defeating .”
“Huh. The dancing you guys do sounds less torturous than I thought.”
“It is and it isn’t,” I helpfully explained. “Traditional court dancing cos rife with intrigue. That is the height of dullness … which is why we stipulate that all dresses must be no shorter than a carpet in length. The chaos that always ensues sets back the next organised betrayal by years. Cheese, biscuits and insults everywhere.”
“Oooh~ that almost sounds fun!”
I clapped my hands together and smiled.
“Not all formality is mundane … just most! Speaking of dancing, how much do you know?”
“Lots. Many. So much.”
“O-Oh? Truly?”
Coppelia twirled on the spot.
It was very pretty. It also wasn’t official.
“I know the Coppelia,” she declared confidently.
I nodded at once.
“The Coppelia is truly a form which defies expectation. Which has its place. Just not when you’re wearing a needlessly cumberso dress. But that’s fine … I will teach you!”
“Eh? You want to teach how to dance?”
“Naturally, I do! It’s part of your handmaiden training. I’m certain you’ll enjoy it.”
My loyal handmaiden, who still had a considerable list of exercises to go through including tea making, tea pouring and tea spilling upon designated guests, leaned ever so slightly away.
“Hmmmm … I dunno, it looks kinda stuffy. I’m too cute for that.”
“As am I. But neither you nor I ever had a tutor like . Dancing is the oldest art for a reason. It’s an expression of the soul. Moreover, learning to dance in the courtly style will allow you to take my place when a suitor cos to bother .”
“Pass.”
“C-Coppelia! There are only positives! … Mostly for , but it’ll also help your eyes beco keener!”
“Eeehh … my eyes are pretty good, though?”
“They are. But they can be better. Trust , once you’ve grown accustod to the sight of rival dance partners attempting to dislocate your fibula, you shall see the world in a different light. Using just their footsteps, you can discern their every wicked intention.”
Coppelia humd for a mont.
Then, she raised her arm.
“Question!”
“Yes?”
“Can it discern wicked intentions even if they’re not human?”
“Well, yes–as long as they have legs, then just the way they move their toes will betray their innermost thoughts.”
“Great! This should be easy, then.”
“... Is it because the thing you’re referring to has four legs and not two?”
“Mmh~”
We ca to a sudden stop.
Before us, the sight of the first large-scale blemish had finally appeared.
The stream continued onwards, weaving through a adow spoiled by the greatest source of public littering I’d seen since the last ti a handful of elves had gathered together.
It was a ss of patchwork tents and everything they contained. So had been staked in the grass, while others had been allowed to blow over.
Disused clothing, bowls and bedrolls were scattered in all directions, while crates and barrels were piled up with little concern for either organisation or the fact that many of the lids were left ajar, offering the wood mice to stuff their tummies before sumr’s arrival.
There were also racks of weapons. Most of which were now on the ground.
Along with the blood stains.
And a single cow.
Moooo.
Yes.
There in the centre of what was very much a hastily deserted bandit camp … was a cow with a bell.
Clink, clink. Clink, clink.
It stood beside a cauldron long gone cold.
A large, common farm animal found up and down my kingdom. It boasted a fetching black and white pattern, large flappy ears, a swishing tail and a bundle of grass in its mouth.
It raised its head and gazed directly at us … all the while chewing away and offering little notice to the abandonnt around it.
Or indeed, the clear evidence of violence.
“... Alrighty!” Coppelia turned to with a clear look of expectation. “What’s the cow’s intention?”
I stared at said cow.
“Those are hooves. Not toes. It doesn’t count.”
A giggle ca in response. That was good. The more amused she was, the less people would believe her when she explained what we’d seen.
“Very well,” I said with a nod. “This is a sowhat more original trap … co, we’ll go around the camp.”
“Eh?! You want to ignore the cow?”
“No, I want to ignore the cow surrounded by blood. I’ve no idea what this is, but I do know that continuing not to know will make my life happier. That is the most important thing in the world.”
“We can’t just leave the cow.”
“Why not?”
“What if it’s evil? We can’t miss what hilarious things it does.”
I quietly groaned.
“Coppelia, we ca here to interrogate brigands, not suspicious farm animals surrounded by blood. Yes, I realise their language skills are likely on-par, but I doubt a cow knows more than whatever misfits have abandoned it.”
“Abandoned it … or been eaten by it.”
Suddenly, Coppelia leaned forwards slightly, studying the cow for any signs of demonic energy.
After a mont–
“Mmh~ it’s not a horse,” she declared confidently. “Want to poke it?”
“Absolutely not,” I replied, appalled at the very suggestion. “Unless it’s part of a staged public relations event, I’ve no obligation to approach a suspicious cow. What if it sneezes at ?”
“That’ll just an it likes you.”
“... True. But regardless, I see no reason to poke it. We have things to do.”
“Sure, but if we leave the cow surrounded by blood alone, historical records indicate there’s a 99.8% probability it’s going to end up conquering the world and covering it in shadow. Which I’m fine with. But it’ll also an you having to leave your tower to fix everything again.”
My mouth widened.
Just which history books did Coppelia read, exactly … ?! Because I could absolutely see a scenario where this ca true!
“Very well.” I briefly closed my eyes, aggrieved at every option. “One of us needs to approach and see what the cow does, then. If it’s normal, we can at least shoo it towards a farm so productivity isn’t going to waste.”
A mont of silence passed.
And then–
“Rock, paper, scissors, go!!”
I looked down.
“... Uuuugghh, fine,” I said, bravely strolling forward to et my doom. “If I die, let it be known that it was by a carrot. I’ll at least remove it from every nu as my final act.”
Ignoring the round of applause behind , I approached the blinking cow.
Still, it did nothing.
In fact … it simply leaned down to chew on a fresh tuft of grass.
Sothing which would have been insulting were it not for the fact this was, in fact, a highly coordinated act. Because before I could even begin interrogating the farm animal, a different and rcifully familiar issue presented itself.
A spear thrown unerringly from the treeline, dribbling with a noxious liquid as it went.
I barely saw it … for beyond the weapon was sothing even more horrifying.
The sight of a pale creature cloaked in malevolence.
It wore blackened leather and a bloody scarf, its eyes alight with a fla that was both cold and burning with cruelty, its skin stretched taut over its bones.
A human corpse risen from the soil.
Pwiishh.
The next mont, the spear broke as a black scythe ringed with shadow struck it cleanly in half.
Its owner didn’t mind.
After all, he still had a better one.
A figure in the shape of what was once a man raised another weapon. A boar spear more suited for hunting a frost mammoth than for use in battle.
As he approached, its weight seed to drag him down, his knees creaking and back stooped as he shambled closer. An undead horror whose sickly skin and pale hair reflected the sunlight. But even that compared little to the flas burning in its hollow sockets.
Then … he ca to a pause and pointed towards the cow.
“Her na’s Daisy,” he said proudly. “Daisy the Bloodletter.”
The grazing farm animal looked up at . I looked back.
And then I ca to one conclusion.
… I should have brought Apple.
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