Yeah, he knew it. He was the one who had failed both of them that day. Fuck, he had failed them from the beginning. Wasn’t there to protect Rafael, to be the big brother he needed... wasn’t there for Hans, fuck, didn’t even know about his daughter in the hospital.
It just all washed over him in that mont, the guilt of it all.
"You should say sothing." Charlotte’s voice ca, pulling him out from his thoughts as he stood looking down at the two headstones.
"Should I?" Jas asked back as he looked down at her, but her eyes were fixed on Rafael’s marble headstone.
"Yeah, or you should cry."
"Why would I cry?" Jas asked back, though he didn’t even know why he asked it, because it was just too obvious.
"I think this is the right ti for it." Her voice ca again. "If you don’t cry, you’re just going to keep holding it inside, and when you hold things in like that... it hurts." Her grip suddenly tightened around Jas’s hand, and her voice grew quieter. "When Dad died, I didn’t cry, because I thought he didn’t love . He was never there, and even when he showed up, it felt like he didn’t even see , like I was nothing to him..." Her voice cracked slightly. "But I know now that he did love , because if he didn’t, I wouldn’t be here with you. He loved , he just never knew how to show it, and neither did I... and when I finally realized that, I started crying, and that bad feeling from my tummy disappeared after that." She sniffed and rubbed her sleeve under her nose, not looking up. "So... it’s okay if you cry too. I’ll stay. I won’t go anywhere."
How strange it was... to hear those words from a child. How strange that she accepted sothing she shouldn’t really be able to understand. She knew Lucian was keeping his distance for a reason... to protect her. That was why he was never truly there, even when it seed as if she didn’t exist. He refused to give his enemies any chance. Lucian couldn’t bear the thought of losing the only child he had ever had... of watching her vanish from his life.
Yes, Lucian had abandoned Charlotte to protect her, and she understood his intentions, why he had passed her to Jas. He had done it out of love, a love so deep that he couldn’t even bear to imagine what would happen if there was no one to keep her safe. He knew that death was closing in on him and had accepted it, but he could never accept leaving Charlotte behind.
"You’re too smart, Charlotte, but you know... emotions are different for every single person. For ... there are no tears left to cry."
"Why?" Charlotte’s voice ca again. It wasn’t pushy, it wasn’t demanding... it was just a question, pure and honest.
But it was also clear she didn’t really understand... how could she?
Her understanding didn’t co from explanations, but all it ca from watching and listening. She had learned emotions the hard way and still, she asked, because she couldn’t understand what it ant when soone said they couldn’t cry anymore. What it ant when a person had suffered so much, felt so much pain, that their body simply stopped letting it out.
"When you cry, it’s because sothing hurts, right? Because it’s too much to keep inside," Jas’ voice ca as he tried to explain it to her. "But when pain stays for too long, you get used to it being part of you. So... crying helps so people..." His voice wavered for a bit, but he continued, "...and I’m glad it helps you, but for , I don’t know how to cry anymore."
Sohow, the way he explained it to Charlotte only made it worse for himself. Just thinking about it... about how this was his truth, nothing more and nothing less, how not even a single tear had co that day, when his mother said she wanted to create distance between them, that she wanted to be alone.
He should have cried at that mont. That day should have been the worst one since Rafael’s death... because Erika was the only one who truly chained him to this world, the only reason he kept living.
But there was nothing. Not a single tear and maybe that was when everything shifted.
It was no longer Erika who chained him to the world, who gave him a reason to live... but the little, cute bomb at his side, squeezing his hand tighter and tighter, trying her best to comfort him.
Though her view on it was different, to say the least.
"That is just stupid." She said, though she still gripped Jas’ hand tight.
"It is indeed stupid, but once you grow up, you will understand it, Charlotte. But now, let’s say our goodbyes." Jas said as he let go of her hand and slowly knelt down, really slowly, as the pain just got worse, though Charlotte was there to help him even if she didn’t do much... she gave him a hand.
"What is that?" She asked curiously as Jas pulled sothing from his pocket.
"A pack of cigarettes," he answered her, pulling out one and placing the rest of the pack on Hans’ headstone. "You know, Hans always said he wasn’t a chain smoker and only smoked one or two, but he lied. I always slled it on him." He smiled as he lit the cigarette and placed it next to the pack, then turned to Rafael and laid a coin there.
"The magic coin?" Charlotte asked, watching it closely and noticing it was the sa one they had played with.
"Yeah, when we were younger we played it together, and he was always better at it." He smiled. "Well, I hope both of you found peace. I love you guys." Jas whispered as he touched their nas.
"I love you too, Rafael and Hans." Charlotte did the sa touching their nas and after a long silence between the four of them... they left.
User Comments
0 comments from readers