Rose Blumen ~ Exogignesthai 219. After a bad dream, 6

(Rose)

The weather is finally nicer. We left the area with an unrealistic yellow sky over ti.

We haven’t found our answers yet. We may need a while as the matters are quite important. What do we want to beco and to obtain, given full, absolute freedom?

For now and today, we just both want to keep walking along our endless journey southward. Enjoying the sights and presents of the new world. Only new to in a way. So we keep our journey going like a pilgrimage.

This seltsam Welt... It’s full of wonders and both the new lifeforms and ancient structures play their parts into this new painting, and music, building its charms.

The world I discover and live in is appealing. Aside for a few exceptions and monstrosities, it is actually rather friendly, and nice to wander through.

One wonder after another, rarely repeated for so reason.

B - Random chances, random beings-like- and unpredictable behaviour of every lifeform such as us bring unlikely oddities for the new beings to resemble each other.

R - In simpler words?

B - Each new sprout of a being-like- has endless possibilities as for what to beco. So it’s unlikely that two new beings born on different places would resemble one another.

R - Ah ah... I see that.

The sky is clear again. Her white flowers have a light and pleasant aroma. I like the faint scent of roses, of wild roses. Not the large big bourbon roses sold over in bouquet in town, but the small ones that grow unattended in gardens or in the wild.

I dearly missed that perfu... It’s kind of funny for I wasn’t one to perfu my collar or sleeves when I was in society. I think a part of the happiness my parents chose for themselves, was to have their daughters not mingle with things like that. They were odd birds the more I think about them...

Daydreaming about my parents, suddenly sothing weird is moving within . My heart hurts suddenly a lot.

I fall to my knees. My eyes fill silently with tears. They flow without crying. I feel like I’ve been shot...

My heart stopped beating?

I’m collapsing. I fall to the ground, and pass out lifeless before Blu can react.

~

I feel a deep sadness rising within . A nightmare I forgot. In the middle of the day? I know that I’m unconscious truly, I kept so awareness in this dream.

I can feel myself tearing up and crying in reality. In this dream however I’m not.

All is white. The sky is white and oppressing. I see roots reaching the sky from outer space, slowly, slowly reaching this reality. Blu is coming to help .

I now see around I’m in this grass field that reminds of my holand, though still in this clouded scenery. Only one thing matters still.

Why. Why do I dream of you, now?

I see your back as you’re looking in the distance, in a manner I don’t really recall seeing you ever having. But this gives a stronger feeling of romanticism to the mood I guess. It still is sowhat familiar but I can’t replace it.

You’re looking at the sky, where we see those gigantic roots slowly covering the sky of Earth, and coming down toward us gradually.

- It’s Blu reaching out to us. She will rapidly bring you back.

As she turns toward , of course my heart flutters, seeing this dream of you in front of , almost as if it was real.

Again... Again... The nightmares keep repeating themselves and all I can do is cry.

R - Who are you... I know you can’t be her...

- I’m your desire Rose.

She got closer and embraces gently. My heart aches so much I can’t describe it properly anymore. Each of her words hurts and makes cry.

She only states truths that make cry.

The world may have ended. The world may disappear. All I want, all I care for, all I desire is right there.

Behind my urge of hocoming and will to survive all that stood on my way, there was...

My dream flows with my unreal tears over her shoulder and neck.

More than the touch of the soft skin of her neck. More than the look in her deep sad eyes. More than the caress in her hair or hers in mine.

The world may end... The only thing I’ve ever prayed for in this world and last was to return to you.

You could have remained ill and absentminded for all I cared. I only wanted you...

I cry again, recalling what father and mother had to say about my love. What our sisters did to us. What all that ant is losing sense.

Everything is fading in my mind and I cry. You were right...

All I ever wanted was you. I could have prayed for all eternity, all I wanted was to be with you.

That new life I tried to build after mourning your loss... Can I still withstand its pointless purpose?

I hold you tighter in this fantasy as the illusion begins to fade, the giant roots about to reach us from above.

My instinct to survive tried its best to give a new purpose in life. A new will to live for.

I can’t anymore.

I could never live without you I think. These years spent in this world are losing their aning faster than I can blink to my eyes.

Next to the desire of sharing life, air, bread and water with you, it all seem to have accounted for nothing now.

Or just as random ans to an end... ans to return perhaps to you...

You vanished in my arms right as the roots of Blu entangled . I had a last burst of tears and cries as reality took back.

What do I live for but you?

I feel the cold darkness of being unconscious for a short while.

I wake up in a great gasp breath, and imdiately begin to cry everything I have, while Blu tries to sooth .

Why am I feeling so sad? Why now? I did manage to live a few years without you now. Why not a few more? Why not until I die?

I cry on the ground, facing the sky, the cheerful and silent sky.

I can’t control myself anymore. This is where my will finally broke down.

~

I’ve endured everything new until now. Everything fascinating the world has to offer.

But I’ve endured it as I was holding my breath sowhat since I lost you. I wanted to believe I was strong enough, resilient, to go on living despite losing you.

And actually, I believe I’ve been, so far, up until now...

My mind is breaking apart. I can’t even hear Blu anymore. Even though I know she’s trying to reassure right now.

I feel old. I feel scared. I feel lost.

As if I were to find you when you were an old woman, or if I found you as I knew you, only once I beca an old woman.

So piece of us is shattered, has always been, ti is harsh and the longer we’ve been separated, the harder it becos to reconnect as we once were.

Since you died, I’ve lost you for ever... And stating the obvious here I am crying even louder, feeling stupid, my heart and lungs being only pain...

~

Given what I’ve beco... Were I to return to you, you wouldn’t...

We would feel awkward, and sad, realising ti made us lose that special bond we had.

My heart aches so much I just want to die.

Here, I who used to always see hope and fight to survive... My soul is a sudden shipwreck now...

My life with that flower on my chest has been a pleasant dream... And this nightmare of living without you is simply reality.

I see death. My death. Was it mine? I can picture soone killing oneself out of despair...

And I cry again. Soaked. Drowning. I will drown in my own tears if I don’t lean on the side.

I have a hesitation and finally do. With the cough cos vomit also. I release those roots and mushrooms I had eaten earlier. Mostly water and acids co out. My throat still hurts less than my heart. I go on crying despite my coughs.

I raise a trembling hand to the blinding sky. I’m losing my mind. I’ve committed every possible sin imaginable while looking for you...

I’m not worthy anymore of living with you. I’ve beco a monster a long ti ago...

A monster whom might have killed or defiled you as all these monsters implied...

All they did was read my heart beyond what I would usually admit.

I’m screaming more than I cry, pressing my hands against my closed and hollow eyes, as I admit to myself a little further how horrible a being I’ve let myself beco.

Blinded by desires and pain. I’ve beco naught but a monster.

I’m not worthy of having you anymore. I cry and yell. The ground is trembling around but it’s surely just my brain falling to pieces, believing another lie.

I’m just the worst.

I’m spitting blood and scratching myself badly. I’ve bitten my lips badly and I keep spitting blood when I’m not yelling. My lost eye may have regrown thanks to Blu, it still can’t see. But it still can cry.

Blu is panicking around . I just want to die.

Since the beginning, we’ve been putting on a play at acting human, trying to beco humans as we idealise it.

It’s over. Today I’ve fallen aside the scene and crushed our pitiful show. I can’t play anymore.

I’m gone and my mind is lost.

~