The puddles grew outside the gates of the Royal Villa.
As the heavens wept in advance of all I intended to charge them, their tears threatened both the begonias and the roads they adorned.
Having long suffered at the soles of visiting dignitaries, it would take no more than a single cart before they churned into mud. As a result, even the unscrupulous peddlers who often squawked at my gates chose not to brave the rain … with one exception.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
Yes.
Those who rely treated the lack of competitors like a business opportunity.
Signalling their arrival with a distinctive tinkling of bells, a troll caravan trundled up to the gates of the Royal Villa. Although their richly decorated carriages sagged beneath hoards of dubiously acquired loot, they left scarcely a trail in their wake.
Drawn along by magic even mages couldn’t explain, they rolled to a gentle stop.
The carriage doors swung open with a flourish, and out stepped the troll rchants.
Curiously, the rain paid them even less heed than their carriages. Not a drop struck their black iron armour. Instead, each bead seed to bounce away at the last mont, repelled by whatever enchantnts Starlight Grace did better.
And then they paused.
Usually, this was where they began coughing loudly in order to draw the attention of a princess they hoped to entice from beyond the gates.
Instead, they rely blinked and stared.
After all … I was already there.
As was a small pavilion, complete with a wooden sign.
Juliette’s Shop
All items proudly sourced from local hoodlums.
Ohohohohohoho!
Indeed! Here it was!
Within an outdoor pavilion was an emporium greater than anything a devil could offer!
Upon the wooden tables were the finest things that could be retrieved with the end of a stick.
Bowls, mirrors, toiletries, cutlery, and odd pieces of socks. A disparate collection of household goods and garnts that despite their dubious quality were beyond price, for in each of them swirled enough magic to draw rain from the sky. And also whatever doom that awaited.
Naturally, few custors were discerning enough to properly judge such wondrous things, while even fewer could ferry them away.
“Salutations, representatives of Troll Country,” I said, offering my finest princess smile as I stood before the many tables. “Welco to the Royal Villa. I see you remain punctual despite the poor weather. I’m most delighted. We needn’t allow rain to dampen this visit. Co, let us discuss matters of trade and friendship. There is also complintary tea and smoothies available.”
The trolls stared at . And also Coppelia as she stood behind a little corner table of her own.
She gave a cheerful wave, then gestured at all the slightly luminous smoothies she was keen to see the trolls react to.
For a long mont, the trolls remained utterly still.
And then–
They turned around and headed back to their carriages.
Hmprphmh.
… At least until they heard the nearby obstruction.
There, blocking the road just behind their carriages, was Apple nibbling on several carrots mysteriously fallen from the sky, courtesy of a flying librarian with a parasol above him.
“Oh my,” I said with a gasp. “It seems the wind has grown strong enough to hurl even vegetables across the sky. This is quite dangerous. Please, by all ans, co join in this secure pavilion where no errant carrots will ever be aid.”
Apple gave a snort.
The trolls, seeing the immovable object, slumped their shoulders. They soon huddled together, scratched their backs, shook their heads, then duly elected a representative amongst them to approach .
“Greetings, mada,” said the troll, his candour a few degrees less spirited than usual. As expected, even trolls were not unaffected by the weather. “It is a pleasure to see a returning custor once again. This is quite the unexpected surprise. We are not often greeted at the gates of the Royal Villa.”
“Indeed, for an explicit invitation is often required, and even then a greeting is not assured. However, I believe those who have proven their reliability deserve our courtesy.”
“The acknowledgent is most appreciated. The Royal Villa has always been ho to our finest custors. No visit is ever without satisfaction.”
I clapped my hands in delight.
“My, is that so? Then I hope to continue this streak by offering so of our most prized and historic wares, carefully selected by myself from the very fringes of the royal vault.”
The troll duly turned his attention to the tables behind .
Although little of any expression could be seen behind the thick iron helt, his dark eyes narrowed as he studied the display with a rchant’s scrutiny.
“Mada, every item here appears to be cursed. I believe this is a point of concern.”
“I agree. For such rare and magical artifacts to be on sale is beyond all belief. As the finest treasures of the kingdom, they are usually hoarded.”
The troll stared at a sock prominently displayed on its own pedestal.
Even without saying anything, I could sense he was wary. But wary wasn’t disinterested.
Compared to trolls, even blood vultures were poor opportunists. For I knew that when it ca to as little as the loose garnts we possessed, they would pick over every strand of fabric until they could sell it on for more.
“My apologies, but I was not clear. Every item here appears to be significantly cursed. It is plain to that sothing malignant has taken hold of the magic originally imbuing these objects. It now fills this pavilion and much of the surrounding air.”
“Quite so. Wonderful, isn’t it?”
“Excuse ?”
“Such sinister temperant is simply evidence that everything works. Why, I’ve no doubt you’ve purchased things that are worse.”
The troll paused.
“We have, yes,” he admitted. “But only after considering their effects, as well as our ability to sell them on to the right bidder. We do not acquire cursed objects lightly, no matter how rare or curious.”
“Excellent. Then I shall sell them at a price requiring no consideration.”
“I fear this would be a price the mada is unwilling to offer. The handling, transportation and sale of cursed objects in general cos at a significant opportunity expense. These factors lower the price we would be willing to entertain.”
“Of course. As certain as I am that you would be able to fetch a tidy profit, you doubtless have many considerations to take into account.”
“I am delighted the mada understands. For the sake of clarity, is there a price estimate in mind, say, for parting with the cutlery set that appears to be lacking uniform sizes for the spoons?”
“Yes. That is free.”
The troll blinked.
“I see … and may I inquire about the oven mittens that appear to be unusable due to the burned edges and the exposed fabric?”
“That is also free.”
“... And the slightly bent goblin crown that appears to be muffled with several layers of pillows?”
“Also free. In fact, everything is. But not the pillows. Those will cost 10,000 gold crowns apiece.”
The troll stared at .
I waited for the haggling to begin. After all, he didn’t know that was already the most generous price I was willing to entertain for the pillows.
All I received were eyes wincing in pain instead.
Without saying a word, he turned around and made his way to his peers, who upon being spoken to all responded by wincing in pain as well.
Eventually, after scratching their backs several tis, the troll returned to .
“My apologies. I needed to urgently consult my colleagues.”
“That’s fine. So when would you like to see the other items for sale?”
“That is necessary. We cannot accept the offer.”
“Why not? They’re also free.”
“In our experience, anything offered freely invites significant concerns. To give away a commodity runs counter to the fundantals of trade. While the mada is known for unconventional dealings, this goes beyond even those expectations.”
I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering my smile.
“Ohohohoho … I see that your entrepreneur spirit believes that if it’s too good to be true, it is. And while that’s normally the case, the fact I exist is proof this doesn’t always hold true.”
“Perhaps so. But as generous as the mada’s offer is, I see little reason why it would be tabled.”
“Why, the reason is simple. To further friendship between the kingdom and the trolls. That alone is a worthy reward. With that said, there’s also an important condition attached to my offer.”
The troll brightened up at once. That was more like it.
“I see. And what condition did the mada have in mind?”
“That everything must be sold on with care. Given the magical nature of these royal treasures, it’s imperative that only those of sufficient pedigree, wealth, and wisdom are permitted to own them.”
I nodded, then pointed to the horizon where the blackest cloud awaited.
Even so, it could be blacker still.
“... You’re therefore permitted to sell only within a 20 tre radius of the White Citadel.”
Ohohohohohohoho!!
Indeed … here was the charity of a princess!
Of course, I wished only to improve neighbourly relations. And to the Grand Duchess whose tower constantly blotted out the sun, few things were more welco than the rain constantly falling upon her parched rooftop.
Sadly, to simply donate magical socks from my vault was against protocol. It would appear that we were simply kowtowing.
Furthermore, removing clutter was a slow and expensive process.
The solution–
Trolls.
Indeed, it was so obvious that even the one in front of could only appear stunned.
After all, them selling cursed wares was simply expected! They could take all the credit for them as well! At least until we made suggestive comnts hinting about where they could co from while feigning surprise at the 1,058 prophecies of doom now upon the Grand Duchess’s doorstep!
“That … is quite the condition,” said the troll, making no attempt to hide his stunned tone.
“Oh? Is it too difficult?”
“I do not believe it would be. Rather, the area you describe is frequented almost exclusively by the titled gentry of Granholtz. Amongst them, it would not be overly cumberso to find suitable buyers for objects of … precarious magical properties.”
I nodded in satisfaction.
As expected of the world’s most travelled rchants, they could do in broad daylight what shadowy organisations took untold years trudging in the sewers to accomplish … and that ant no more dragons!
That’s right!
By openly sowing randomly cursed objects amongst the aristocracy of our greatest rival, it would ensure that the next ti a dragon ca to give vague ons about the future, it wouldn’t be my strawberries needing to be crushed for it!
“I see the mada has demonstrated her unconventional approach once again,” said the troll, straightening his back in respect. “As much as it frustrates , I cannot fathom why items that would fetch any price are given so freely. And yet I sense there is an ingenious thod to such an expense.”
I offered a kindly smile.
“Oh? That is high praise. Yet you needn’t trouble yourself over it. Know only that my geniusness is such that even I never stop to ponder over what I am doing.”
The troll paused. But only for a mont.
“Indeed, I continue to be struck by the mada’s boldness regarding business practices. As expected of both a princess and an ad–”
“Hmmmmmmmmmm?” I cupped a hand to my ear. “What’s that? Were you about to say sothing unnecessary? Perhaps even sothing best forgotten?”
A cough sounded from the gallery of trolls in the background.
“Of course not,” said the one before , offering the slightest nod. “I must consult further with my colleagues. However, I believe that an arrangent is certainly possible in regards to any objects exhibiting nefarious properties you might wish to remove.”
I clapped my hands together and smiled.
How wonderful!
Now all I had to do was excavate the rest of the royal vault … and maybe ntion the various taxes associated with selling cursed items in a foreign nation!
Once that was done, the clouds would finally disperse!
Sumr would end with a flourish of sunshine. Autumn would co in a haze of gold. And not a single prophecy of doom would be allowed to co to fruition while I had an orchard to protect.
That’s why–
“Y-Your Highness, I have an urgent–”
“No!”
“But … But Your Highness, it’s–”
“Absolutely not!”
That’s why I stomped my foot, imdiately shooing away the knight whose sweat was practically dribbling down his armour.
Still on horseback and utterly oblivious to the large troll, he wore the look of a man who had just escaped the battlefield. With a hand trembling upon the hilt of his sword and his visor fully down, only a receptionist could best him as a harbinger of doom.
“Your Highness! This … This is urgent! I have news to report!”
I groaned into my palms.
A far cry from Coppelia, who was imdiately next to with a look of excitent. She hopped up and down, a luminous smoothie in her hands in case I wanted to embrace imdiate unconsciousness.
“Ooh, ooh! What happened?!” she asked, her eyes searching for any flas, black holes or angry farrs in the distance. “Is it terrible? Is it awful? Is it doom?”
The knight audibly swallowed a gulp.
Then, with a trembling hand, he gripped his kneecap. And I already knew his answer.
“Your Highness … the … the forr queen … she is here …”
I blinked.
A mont later, I turned towards Coppelia with a nod.
“We’re dood.”
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